How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

Not the OP.

I see what the OP is talking about. If someone overshares about their family, and it is all negative, that is a bad sign to me. Unless we're intimately involved or besties for life, I shouldn't know your deepest darkest thoughts about your parents and/or sibs and/or anyone else in your family. When someone blurts out that stuff or brings it up constantly, it is off-putting and really not any of my business. I would turn away, too.

[Anonymous]

People from dysfunctional families will often seek out people from functional families as friends, partners and mates. They want the functionality that they see from the people they seek out. Unfortunately, unless they take the time to figure out their own dysfunction (nature and nurture), it can make for an almost impossible situation. People who consistently and/or constantly "trash talk their folks" haven't figured out their own dysfunction yet so, yes, it should be a warning signal. It doesn't mean the person is automatically off limits and should be avoided, but it does mean that the person still has work to do in becoming healthy and stable.

[Anonymous]

I think trash talk is an extreme. If they simply trash them, that is not OK. However, I would be fine with someone who has gone through therapy and can speak with maturity about complex people who made some poor choices and didn't take any responsibility.

I would happy to hear someone loves his or her parents and is grateful. However, there is an extreme there too where it can be almost robotic and like they are afraid to portray anything but perfection. With enough life experience and therapy you can also see the difference between enmeshment and healthy boundaries. They overly enmeshed family that looks perfect so often ends up with many estrangements because they cannot handle anyone challenging anything.

I agree with others OP, you sound like you have rigid black and white thinking. I just hope my kids marry people who are thoughtful and have emotional maturity. I cannot blame them for having a challenging family situation as long as they cope in healthy ways and get help as needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

It isn’t necessary to have dysfunction to also have empathy and understanding for others. But, humans are predictable, and there is generally overwhelming agreement throughout the history of humanity that we aren’t so great at that whole walking a mile in someone else’s shoes thing…..our (humanity’s) hubris and magical thinking lead to great progress and innovation, but it also leads us to discount experiences that are different from our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

It isn’t necessary to have dysfunction to also have empathy and understanding for others. But, humans are predictable, and there is generally overwhelming agreement throughout the history of humanity that we aren’t so great at that whole walking a mile in someone else’s shoes thing…..our (humanity’s) hubris and magical thinking lead to great progress and innovation, but it also leads us to discount experiences that are different from our own.

What does this mean? No offense, but it sounds like rambling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

Your romanization of 'healthy' families is indicative of your immature and limited life experience. Just because families are 'healthy' doesn't mean everyone in the family is. Empathy doesn't always come naturally to people and understanding requires knowledge of motivation, cause/effect, etc. You demonstrate neither which helps me understand why you romanticize 'healthy' families.

I don't romanticize healthy families. My point is, you don't have to come from a dysfunctional family and work out your issues to have empathy. Some people raise their children to have empathy.

Mean spirited posts like yours are not good advertisements for working out one's family-of-origin issues. FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong forum to ask this question. It is full of people trashing their folks, especially their in-laws. People on the site are nasty AF.

+1 It's their entire identity.

[Anonymous]

My mother told me not to marry into a divorced family.

I didn’t, but it just happened to work out that way.

What she could not predict is how the family would shift and change as the first in law was introduced. Looking back, I would tell me kid not to be the first in law. It’s tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother told me not to marry into a divorced family.

I didn’t, but it just happened to work out that way.

What she could not predict is how the family would shift and change as the first in law was introduced. Looking back, I would tell me kid not to be the first in law. It’s tough.

My mother told me not to marry into a fmaily with any cancer. Now that we have plenty of cancer in ours, she got over herself.

She told me not to marry someone from a family with divorce. I did and my marriage is happier and more stable than her drama filled "marriage" ever was.

I think you need to focus on whether it's a good person with good values. Hopefully your kids know better than to hang out with anyone who just trash talks anyone, but um...pot meet kettle so maybe not. If a person can speak reflectively and with genuine understanding about about a dysfunctional upbringing and can see their parent as a complex human being who made mistakes, i see no issue. I have to say though, the people I know who ramble on about trash talk and gossip being a problem, are the biggest culprits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

Not the OP.

I see what the OP is talking about. If someone overshares about their family, and it is all negative, that is a bad sign to me. Unless we're intimately involved or besties for life, I shouldn't know your deepest darkest thoughts about your parents and/or sibs and/or anyone else in your family. When someone blurts out that stuff or brings it up constantly, it is off-putting and really not any of my business. I would turn away, too.

We're talking about people you are in a serious romantic relationship with or marrying. In that situation, it's weird to expect them to avoid "oversharing". No one is talking about random coworkers or casual friends here.

Thought I'd also suggest that if you "turn away" when people share negative things about their life, that's probably more a reflection of your own limitations and possibility an avoidance tendency. The most emotionally healthy response to someone sharing a negative thing with you is to empathize but also recognize it is THEIR problem, not yours. When someone has a hard time even hearing about difficult life experiences, it often means that they have a hard time sitting with other people's pain. This is limiting in life and you will find it becomes harder as you get older because all people eventually have troubles. It is easy when you are relatively young to just not want to deal with sadness in other people's lives. It is much harder in middle age -- people who previously seemed very happy-go-lucky will struggle with losing their parents, worrying about their kids, career disappointment, financial troubles. Learning to listen others discuss difficult subjects, without just internalizing them or rejecting them, is a skill that everyone should learn or you will discover you are very isolated in your 40s and beyond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

Not the OP.

I see what the OP is talking about. If someone overshares about their family, and it is all negative, that is a bad sign to me. Unless we're intimately involved or besties for life, I shouldn't know your deepest darkest thoughts about your parents and/or sibs and/or anyone else in your family. When someone blurts out that stuff or brings it up constantly, it is off-putting and really not any of my business. I would turn away, too.

A bad sign for what, if you aren't dating them? Like what do you think will happen if you are friends or acquaintances with someone who has a negative relationship with their family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

Not the OP.

I see what the OP is talking about. If someone overshares about their family, and it is all negative, that is a bad sign to me. Unless we're intimately involved or besties for life, I shouldn't know your deepest darkest thoughts about your parents and/or sibs and/or anyone else in your family. When someone blurts out that stuff or brings it up constantly, it is off-putting and really not any of my business. I would turn away, too.

We're talking about people you are in a serious romantic relationship with or marrying. In that situation, it's weird to expect them to avoid "oversharing". No one is talking about random coworkers or casual friends here.

Thought I'd also suggest that if you "turn away" when people share negative things about their life, that's probably more a reflection of your own limitations and possibility an avoidance tendency. The most emotionally healthy response to someone sharing a negative thing with you is to empathize but also recognize it is THEIR problem, not yours. When someone has a hard time even hearing about difficult life experiences, it often means that they have a hard time sitting with other people's pain. This is limiting in life and you will find it becomes harder as you get older because all people eventually have troubles. It is easy when you are relatively young to just not want to deal with sadness in other people's lives. It is much harder in middle age -- people who previously seemed very happy-go-lucky will struggle with losing their parents, worrying about their kids, career disappointment, financial troubles. Learning to listen others discuss difficult subjects, without just internalizing them or rejecting them, is a skill that everyone should learn or you will discover you are very isolated in your 40s and beyond.

Sorry I triggered you. Get well soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

My Dh - who I started dating 25 years ago - got along well with his parents. We both adore his mom still, but his dad has become really angry and belligerent. Similarly my mom had developed memory / executive function problems. In both cases they can be hard to be around and we definitely complain to each other. I’m glad my partner and I can do this. In general my siblings married people that I don’t mesh well with and same with them / my DH. We do okay, but we’re very different. I fit the think this makes us difficult people, we just prioritize different things. I’d love to be closer, but we’re just not. I’m glad I have a spouse where I feel it’s easy to be myself rather than picking a spouse for smoothest family dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

+1 My DH is the one that, supposedly, had the healthy family. I come from an abusive, dysfunctional family and was very open about it. Turns out that under the veneer of a 'great family', DH's family was pretty toxic and petty. Early in our marriage, he actually asked me what was wrong with me that I couldn't love his family - everyone loved his family. That was 20+ years ago and while he gets it, he's not yet at the point he can speak about it without guilt/shame.

This is me. And it only gets worse as the difficult parents your spouse can't see clearly start getting older and paranoid and pettier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I’ve often said I’m so glad that my family was so dysfunctional, I knew what was up and could start dealing with it early. DH came from a family that is very dysfunctional, but ts all been very murky or covert. Now, in his mid 40s, he’s dealing with it, and then, and it’s very damaging to our family. My family has 0 impact on our lives, because I learned how to set boundaries ike very early on.