How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

[Anonymous]

I think these ppl who trash talk their folks all the time are dangerous. If you’re an empathetic person you fall for it, then you can’t escape the drama.

[Anonymous]

Err...what?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

I am sorry for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Discussing the reality of your past and your family dynamics is different from "trash talking." My parents are both alcoholics. They did a great job raising us, but when we were college age, their drinking started to go off the rails, and it has become problematic in many, many ways.

I do not "trash talk" them, but I definitely did make my husband aware of this fact when our relationship got serious, and it informs how we interact with them and how we interact with our children.

It's not always "respect your elders," OP. It is respect the truth, and do the best you can with what you have. Sometimes, that means distance and walking away.

[Anonymous]

People from healthy families marry people from healthy families. So work on your own relationship with your kids and don't be a MIL from hell.

[Anonymous]

My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.

+1 My DH is the one that, supposedly, had the healthy family. I come from an abusive, dysfunctional family and was very open about it. Turns out that under the veneer of a 'great family', DH's family was pretty toxic and petty. Early in our marriage, he actually asked me what was wrong with me that I couldn't love his family - everyone loved his family. That was 20+ years ago and while he gets it, he's not yet at the point he can speak about it without guilt/shame.

[Anonymous]

OP your premise is very simplistic and black and white (wich can be offputting to some), but the underlying idea is something that is worth discussing.

Successful marriages are not built solely on romantic love and compatibility of two individuals; their families also play a role. compatibility between a man or woman and their future ILs is something that every person considering marriage should think about.

A person who has a lot of issues with their family could very well have legit complaints, or they could be emotionally stunted. In any event, their potential marriage partner needs to consider if they came out of their dysfunctional family with unresolved baggage or if they have the emotional health to embark on a lifelong commitment.

Also, you have to consider the people who never talk poorly of their family, but who have unhealthily enmeshment with them that could actually be very detrimental to a marriage.

[Anonymous]

If you have a good, open, caring relationship with your teen/young adult, then they will automatically take issue with people who trash talk their families, or constantly fight and yell.

At least that is my experience with my young adult kids. They are not comfortable in yelling households with lots of fighting. Even my teenager has an issue with the way her friend speaks to her mother, and vice versa. It's nothing I had to teach them other than maintaining an open, respectful relationship with my husband and with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Um, if you use the term "trash talk your folks" (as my family and I would) there is probably a lot of dsyfunction. No way are they even going to be able to find anyone who won't "trash talk" until they have a lot of therapy (like I did.)

And then you won't like their dh or dw anyway.

[Anonymous]

Least of my concerns, OP, since my kids wouldn't want to be with negative people anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.