How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

[Anonymous]

Their “folks?” How old is OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

When the choices are protect yourself by escaping or continuing to suffer abuse and expose your children to unhealthy cycles, sometimes that’s what you must do, especially when untreated mental illness is involved. Sharing your experience, especially with people in similar situations seeking advice, is far from bragging.

I empathize with my mother, and appreciate that she was less abusive than her parents, but I’m not going to keep going back for more and worsen my own anxiety and depression. When my anxiety and depression are severe, I have to take resources away from my family to focus on healing myself and getting back to functional. When my children see my mother say cruel things and I agree or say little to contradict her so I can avoid conflict, or when they watch her lie or stir up drama and I dismiss it and continue to allow it, that sends them the wrong message. I broke the cycle the cleanest and healthiest way I know how, after using all the tools at my disposal trying to save the relationship. Not every relationship is worth salvaging. Sometimes we have to grow up and learn that if we keep touching the hot stove, we’re going to keep getting burned, so we either stop touching the hot stove and let our kids see that we made a healthy choice instead of telling them it’s okay or even desirable to keep burning ourselves for love.

I’ve never told someone to cut off a family member, but I’ve shared my experiences when other people are facing similar problems. Again, not bragging, just offering my story so people know they’re not alone and if they choose this path, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies but it’s also not all sadness and isolation either. Abusers like to blame and isolate, so it’s helpful to know you’re not alone, whether you stay or go.

And you’re not damaged goods for growing up in an unhealthy home. You’re a person who had struggles and has to work harder to get to catch up to people in healthy environments. You’re deserving of love and a good life, and it’s possible to provide stability for your children. You just have more steps to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your premise is very simplistic and black and white (wich can be offputting to some), but the underlying idea is something that is worth discussing.

Successful marriages are not built solely on romantic love and compatibility of two individuals; their families also play a role. compatibility between a man or woman and their future ILs is something that every person considering marriage should think about.

A person who has a lot of issues with their family could very well have legit complaints, or they could be emotionally stunted. In any event, their potential marriage partner needs to consider if they came out of their dysfunctional family with unresolved baggage or if they have the emotional health to embark on a lifelong commitment.

Also, you have to consider the people who never talk poorly of their family, but who have unhealthily enmeshment with them that could actually be very detrimental to a marriage.

Let's call it what it actually is. Unintelligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

You truly need therapy. Leave other people alone and let them deal with their issues. You are likely someone who would tell people who are being abused to shut up. People like you allow the Sanduskys etc of the world to continue their abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

You truly need therapy. Leave other people alone and let them deal with their issues. You are likely someone who would tell people who are being abused to shut up. People like you allow the Sanduskys etc of the world to continue their abuse.

LOL, PP. The person you're responding to is absolutely right. People like you, PP, seek so much validation that you fail to allow yourself to heal. The person you're responding to is MUCH healthier than you will ever be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

When the choices are protect yourself by escaping or continuing to suffer abuse and expose your children to unhealthy cycles, sometimes that’s what you must do, especially when untreated mental illness is involved. Sharing your experience, especially with people in similar situations seeking advice, is far from bragging.

I empathize with my mother, and appreciate that she was less abusive than her parents, but I’m not going to keep going back for more and worsen my own anxiety and depression. When my anxiety and depression are severe, I have to take resources away from my family to focus on healing myself and getting back to functional. When my children see my mother say cruel things and I agree or say little to contradict her so I can avoid conflict, or when they watch her lie or stir up drama and I dismiss it and continue to allow it, that sends them the wrong message. I broke the cycle the cleanest and healthiest way I know how, after using all the tools at my disposal trying to save the relationship. Not every relationship is worth salvaging. Sometimes we have to grow up and learn that if we keep touching the hot stove, we’re going to keep getting burned, so we either stop touching the hot stove and let our kids see that we made a healthy choice instead of telling them it’s okay or even desirable to keep burning ourselves for love.

I’ve never told someone to cut off a family member, but I’ve shared my experiences when other people are facing similar problems. Again, not bragging, just offering my story so people know they’re not alone and if they choose this path, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies but it’s also not all sadness and isolation either. Abusers like to blame and isolate, so it’s helpful to know you’re not alone, whether you stay or go.

And you’re not damaged goods for growing up in an unhealthy home. You’re a person who had struggles and has to work harder to get to catch up to people in healthy environments. You’re deserving of love and a good life, and it’s possible to provide stability for your children. You just have more steps to get there.

+1 I relate to this so much. My mother is also less abusive than her mother, but in mom's case she was the Golden child and protected. I was not. I was spent many session in therapy processing things and coming up with new strategies to stay connected and not let her untreated mental health issues at at me. The rage attacks caused me so much anxiety and depression and i needed to protect my children from witnessing anymore. She got particularly bad anytime we had a family emergency because during those times I had no reserves to deal with her terrible behavior. She has had professionals work with her and she always quits therapy and drops meds despite their warnings about her mental state and how it impacts others and herself. It's not a matter of distancing yourself and throwing a celebration with friends and living the good life, it's a matter of survival because you cannot take another second of abusive behavior and you have finally stopped empathizing with the abuser and instead you have enough empathy for yourself to say "enough!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

You truly need therapy. Leave other people alone and let them deal with their issues. You are likely someone who would tell people who are being abused to shut up. People like you allow the Sanduskys etc of the world to continue their abuse.[/quote

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

Your romanization of 'healthy' families is indicative of your immature and limited life experience. Just because families are 'healthy' doesn't mean everyone in the family is. Empathy doesn't always come naturally to people and understanding requires knowledge of motivation, cause/effect, etc. You demonstrate neither which helps me understand why you romanticize 'healthy' families.

I don't romanticize healthy families. My point is, you don't have to come from a dysfunctional family and work out your issues to have empathy. Some people raise their children to have empathy.

Mean spirited posts like yours are not good advertisements for working out one's family-of-origin issues. FYI.

Except, that's not what you said. You made an absolute statement that "People from healthy families have empathy and understanding". That is vastly different than your bolded statement. You also know nothing of my family of origin and your statement about 'mean spirited' posts highlights dysfunction can occur no matter what kind of family you come from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You’re lucky to come from such privilege. Not all of us are so fortunate. I guess we did a crap job of choosing which family to be born into and we deserve what we got, or something like that. As much as I resent you calling me damaged goods for having the bad luck of being born into a poor, abusive family, I don’t wish you ill or even wish that you learn from experience how the negative actions of your family can affect you even though you have no control of them, especially during childhood. I do hope you find more empathy though. Maybe someday someone close to you can share how they rose above adversity and you’ll realize that escaping cycles of abuse, poverty, or addiction is a good thing, not a bad thing.

You are describing me. What I don't do is brag about how horrible my family was, and urge others on DCUM to see themselves as victims and to dwell on every bad thing about their relatives. Funny thing is, those people have ZERO empathy for their big, bad relatives -- they happily "grey rock" and shut them out, and tell others on DCUM to do the same. That's the exact opposite of empathy.

You truly need therapy. Leave other people alone and let them deal with their issues. You are likely someone who would tell people who are being abused to shut up. People like you allow the Sanduskys etc of the world to continue their abuse.

LOL, PP. The person you're responding to is absolutely right. People like you, PP, seek so much validation that you fail to allow yourself to heal. The person you're responding to is MUCH healthier than you will ever be.

DP. So much for your 'empathy'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

Your mom was right! Don’t marry a Meghan Markle. They will destroy your family and separate you from
Them!
On the flip side my friend who gets along the worst with her in laws and is actually getting a divorce over it. She ruined her own marriage! Well, that friend comes from a big loving family that has weathered a lot and even the third generation is hard working and United. So who would have guessed it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I’ve often said I’m so glad that my family was so dysfunctional, I knew what was up and could start dealing with it early. DH came from a family that is very dysfunctional, but ts all been very murky or covert. Now, in his mid 40s, he’s dealing with it, and then, and it’s very damaging to our family. My family has 0 impact on our lives, because I learned how to set boundaries ike very early on.

PP here whose DH asked why she couldn't love his toxic family since everyone loves them. I just want to let you know I feel your pain. DH and I are in our 50s and had a lot of relationship counseling early on about his family - since, like you, my family's issues were well known and I'd learned to set boundaries. In dealing with DH's family, I focused on running interference for the kids and identifying for them the problematic behaviors of DH's family. I didn't do it in a mean spirited way. It was factual. They observed how I handled it and we'd talk about it. When they started dating, we'd have conversations about their romantic interests and how the families interacted. I think it's been really helpful for my kids to be able to speak with me about it and for them to know that I'm not judgmental about the other families - given my own family, how could I? But, I'm helping my kids learn to identify problematic behaviors and how not to get sucked into dysfunction - how not to get pulled into a slotted role in someone else's family. They get to choose their role. KWIM?

[Anonymous]

Sure OP, screen the grandparents, aunts, and uncles of your child's future spouse for drama . . . You can't be serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

Your mom was right! Don’t marry a Meghan Markle. They will destroy your family and separate you from
Them!
On the flip side my friend who gets along the worst with her in laws and is actually getting a divorce over it. She ruined her own marriage! Well, that friend comes from a big loving family that has weathered a lot and even the third generation is hard working and United. So who would have guessed it!!!

I love how everyone somehow blames Meghan for Harry wanting to escape his own very dysfunctional family. I mean, uncle is into sex trafficking, dad married the OW, everyone is expecting him to keep on in the family business but he can never get a promotion, his very birth was just in case something happened to his brother. What’s to stay for, really?