How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

You sound narrow minded, PP.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather marry someone who occasionally complains about their family then someone who thinks their family is always amazing, and that their family’s way of doing things is The Right Thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you have issues. I hope you have good relationships with your children and their spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

Oh we know it, and we are glad that people like you wear their judgement right out front where we can see it. You are damaged goods yourself for referring to other human beings that way.

[Anonymous]

One of my sisters is married to a guy and together they somehow decided years ago they were Adults From Dysfunctional Families. They read a book called "Toxic Parents" and feel justified in their actions. It's basically hurt their own children to be kept out of family events (except when BIL's parents spring for a cruise or dude ranch vacations). Neither family of origin is perfect of course, but not as vile as they claim.

[Anonymous]

Also, you have to consider the people who never talk poorly of their family, but who have unhealthily enmeshment with them that could actually be very detrimental to a marriage.

This is a really good point. Sometimes emotional maturity means the ability to be critical of your family and to view them as separate from you. A person who is so enmeshed with their family that they can’t set boundaries or make their own decisions is much more concerning to me than someone who expresses frustration or even distaste towards their family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family and who has gotten a ton of therapy and done a lot of self reflection in order to be a good parent and spouse I really resent the term "damaged goods." No one can help the family they are born into but they can their best as an adult to live an emotionally healthy life. While I would never wish to relive my childhood I have a lot of empathy and depth because of it. People in my situation are not "damaged goods"-we're people who were born to parents who shouldn't have had kids. Also, I don't go on this site too often-do people really "crow" about being estranged from family or encourage others to be estranged? I ask this as someone who is not estranged from my parents but definitely sets boundaries in order to prevent myself and my kids from being hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family and who has gotten a ton of therapy and done a lot of self reflection in order to be a good parent and spouse I really resent the term "damaged goods." No one can help the family they are born into but they can their best as an adult to live an emotionally healthy life. While I would never wish to relive my childhood I have a lot of empathy and depth because of it. People in my situation are not "damaged goods"-we're people who were born to parents who shouldn't have had kids. Also, I don't go on this site too often-do people really "crow" about being estranged from family or encourage others to be estranged? I ask this as someone who is not estranged from my parents but definitely sets boundaries in order to prevent myself and my kids from being hurt.

Yes, they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

Your romanization of 'healthy' families is indicative of your immature and limited life experience. Just because families are 'healthy' doesn't mean everyone in the family is. Empathy doesn't always come naturally to people and understanding requires knowledge of motivation, cause/effect, etc. You demonstrate neither which helps me understand why you romanticize 'healthy' families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my sisters is married to a guy and together they somehow decided years ago they were Adults From Dysfunctional Families. They read a book called "Toxic Parents" and feel justified in their actions. It's basically hurt their own children to be kept out of family events (except when BIL's parents spring for a cruise or dude ranch vacations). Neither family of origin is perfect of course, but not as vile as they claim.

Maybe it wasn't vile for you but that doesn't mean it wasn't vile for them. Just your statement about how it 'hurt their own children' and the snide comment the vacations provided by the ILs are indicative of the dysfunction you bring. Perhaps if you had more empathy and understanding like a PP states arise naturally in 'healthy' families, you'd be more accepting of your sister's experiences and choices. I'd keep my distance from you as well.

[Anonymous]

This is the wrong forum to ask this question. It is full of people trashing their folks, especially their in-laws. People on the site are nasty AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family and who has gotten a ton of therapy and done a lot of self reflection in order to be a good parent and spouse I really resent the term "damaged goods." No one can help the family they are born into but they can their best as an adult to live an emotionally healthy life. While I would never wish to relive my childhood I have a lot of empathy and depth because of it. People in my situation are not "damaged goods"-we're people who were born to parents who shouldn't have had kids. Also, I don't go on this site too often-do people really "crow" about being estranged from family or encourage others to be estranged? I ask this as someone who is not estranged from my parents but definitely sets boundaries in order to prevent myself and my kids from being hurt.

No, people don't "crow". But in an era where people have more resources for recognizing and addressing dysfunction in their families (I'm right there with you PP, on the work that goes into this so that you can be a good parent and spouse), there is also backlash. And this is not surprising. I remember when I first started therapy back in my 20s, I went into the therapists office and announced that I didn't want to sit around dissecting my childhood, that was the past. I wanted to just focus on these issues I was having with my career and love life, and the lack of direction I was experiencing. My therapist was like "okay, sounds good, this is your time." And then a year later she said, "I really think in order to get where you want to go, we're going to have to talk about your family and childhood and how those things have shaped you, and also how they might be obstacles to your goals right now." And I said no thank you and left. And then I went back into therapy a few years later and was like "I would like to talk about my family and my childhood and how they shaped me and how they might be obstacles to my goals right now." And THEN I got better.

So it is unsurprising to see people on here and elsewhere who feel threatened by that process. They feel personally implicated by it and they feel hurt by family members who might try to set reasonable boundaries with them. It is easier for them to engage in black and white thinking (that the world can be divided into good people from good families and bad people from bad families) than to struggle with the idea that most people have at least some dysfunction in their families and that almost everyone could benefit from thinking a bit about how they interact with others, especially those closest to them, and making sure those relationships contain mutual respect and appropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

No, it's not. It's far better to be with someone who recognizes the dysfunction of their family and take steps to establish/maintain healthy boundaries than be with someone who can't recognize they've been condition to accept dysfunction and allows their partner and kids to be subjected to it.

+1

I would rather be with someone who works on themselves and has empathy and understanding.

People from healthy families have empathy and understanding. Working through "dysfunction" of one's family isn't necessary.

Your romanization of 'healthy' families is indicative of your immature and limited life experience. Just because families are 'healthy' doesn't mean everyone in the family is. Empathy doesn't always come naturally to people and understanding requires knowledge of motivation, cause/effect, etc. You demonstrate neither which helps me understand why you romanticize 'healthy' families.

I feel like joining any family as an in law is challenging and that in the beginning it is easier to fall into the trap of judging harshly or idealizing but both are distortions...the families that "show well" will eventually show some "crazy" (sometimes a lot) and within the crazy one, you may find individuals who are great, healthier people. Parents have little say in who their children marry in our culture. It's mostly out of a parents control. What you can control is not stirring the pot if your adult child joins a difficult family. Work on that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom once told me to try to avoid marrying someone who doesn't get along with his family. She said either that person is right and you'd be marrying into a family with difficult people OR the person you are dating is the difficult person. Either way it's bad news.

It was pretty good advice!

+100 People on DCUM who are practically crowing about how they are estranged from family, or worse, encourage others to become estranged, don't realize that they are announcing that they are damaged goods. I hope my kids avoid those people, too.

As someone who grew up in a very dysfunctional family and who has gotten a ton of therapy and done a lot of self reflection in order to be a good parent and spouse I really resent the term "damaged goods." No one can help the family they are born into but they can their best as an adult to live an emotionally healthy life. While I would never wish to relive my childhood I have a lot of empathy and depth because of it. People in my situation are not "damaged goods"-we're people who were born to parents who shouldn't have had kids. Also, I don't go on this site too often-do people really "crow" about being estranged from family or encourage others to be estranged? I ask this as someone who is not estranged from my parents but definitely sets boundaries in order to prevent myself and my kids from being hurt.

No, people don't "crow". But in an era where people have more resources for recognizing and addressing dysfunction in their families (I'm right there with you PP, on the work that goes into this so that you can be a good parent and spouse), there is also backlash. And this is not surprising. I remember when I first started therapy back in my 20s, I went into the therapists office and announced that I didn't want to sit around dissecting my childhood, that was the past. I wanted to just focus on these issues I was having with my career and love life, and the lack of direction I was experiencing. My therapist was like "okay, sounds good, this is your time." And then a year later she said, "I really think in order to get where you want to go, we're going to have to talk about your family and childhood and how those things have shaped you, and also how they might be obstacles to your goals right now." And I said no thank you and left. And then I went back into therapy a few years later and was like "I would like to talk about my family and my childhood and how they shaped me and how they might be obstacles to my goals right now." And THEN I got better.

So it is unsurprising to see people on here and elsewhere who feel threatened by that process. They feel personally implicated by it and they feel hurt by family members who might try to set reasonable boundaries with them. It is easier for them to engage in black and white thinking (that the world can be divided into good people from good families and bad people from bad families) than to struggle with the idea that most people have at least some dysfunction in their families and that almost everyone could benefit from thinking a bit about how they interact with others, especially those closest to them, and making sure those relationships contain mutual respect and appropriate boundaries.

Well said.