Reply to How to help kids not date/marry people who trash talk their folks

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My DH and I both come from dysfunctional, sometimes abusive families and one of the reasons we wound up together is that when one of us would talk about our families in less than glowing terms, the other one was willing to listen and believe what was being said, instead of turning up their nose in distaste.

Some people come from messed up families. Some people have bad parents. They need to be with partners who understand that dynamic and will support them in healing. If you want your kids to marry people who come from families with good parents, fine, I get it. But saying you "don't trust" people who speak negatively of their families is the wrong tack. Your kids might wind up marrying someone who never has a negative word to say about their abusive parents. Trust me when I tell you that is much more of a red flag.[/quote]

Not the OP.

I see what the OP is talking about.  If someone overshares about their family, and it is all negative, that is a bad sign to me.  Unless we're intimately involved or besties for life, I shouldn't know your deepest darkest thoughts about your parents and/or sibs and/or anyone else in your family.  When someone blurts out that stuff or brings it up constantly, it is off-putting and really not any of my business.  I would turn away, too.[/quote]

We're talking about people you are in a serious romantic relationship with or marrying. In that situation, it's weird to expect them to avoid "oversharing". No one is talking about random coworkers or casual friends here.

Thought I'd also suggest that if you "turn away" when people share negative things about their life, that's probably more a reflection of your own limitations and possibility an avoidance tendency. The most emotionally healthy response to someone sharing a negative thing with you is to empathize but also recognize it is THEIR problem, not yours. When someone has a hard time even hearing about difficult life experiences, it often means that they have a hard time sitting with other people's pain. This is limiting in life and you will find it becomes harder as you get older because all people eventually have troubles. It is easy when you are relatively young to just not want to deal with sadness in other people's lives. It is much harder in middle age -- people who previously seemed very happy-go-lucky will struggle with losing their parents, worrying about their kids, career disappointment, financial troubles. Learning to listen others discuss difficult subjects, without just internalizing them or rejecting them, is a skill that everyone should learn or you will discover you are very isolated in your 40s and beyond.[/quote]

Sorry I triggered you.  Get well soon![/quote]

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