Kid birthday plans issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I just figured it out! OP - is your boyfriend the reason your x and you broke up?

[Anonymous]

OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Real talk: What kind of relationship is this if they only see each other a few times a year? What's the point of putting your sons into this situation? Are you planning to get married to this guy? Why do you care if your son spends time with these children?

Is it in your children's best interest to press this issue with your ex and make things awkward, or is it more about your best interest? Yes, it's your time apparently, and yes you've accepted a new partner on his end, but still, if it makes life complicated your children will notice and they won't be happy about it.

We are in an LDR. The kids were friends when they were younger before they moved away. They only see each other a few times a year either when they all come into town or we have gone on vacay once or twice with them. This is a committed relationship and 'serious' but no plans to marry because it is LDR and I do not want to be married right now. I would say this is quasi-family.

In my opinion (biased) ds will have more fun with bf doing our plans. And yes it is my interest because it furthers the relationship with all of us, but ds also benefits.

How exactly does your DS benefit? Does he really love your BF that much? Is it worth the tradeoff of awkwardness with his father?

I really think you are looking with your me-goggles on.

He benefits because its going to be fun! Arcade and music and running around doing fun things. For him it’s not about my bf.

So take him without the BF, problem solved. Equally as fun for your DS, you get your time, and no tension with your ex.

Is tension with your ex really the birthday memory you want your child to have?

But it’s not as fun. The kids really do have fun together. And why does my ex-husband get to dictate what I do with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

Its uncomfortable for the ex. OP ask, ex decline and she's upset. She can take child to lunch instead or she can ask the child what they'd like as they may not want to see boyfriend and his kids. She is making them the focus and not her child. She only has her child a few hours. She can see boyfriend and kids before or after her visit with her child. She's entitled to see him, not necessarily entitled to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I just figured it out! OP - is your boyfriend the reason your x and you broke up?

No but exh still finds it weird we are together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

He has the right to say no in seeing your boyfriend and his kids (and probably paying for it to). This is about your child, not you. You are not married or a family. Take your child for lunch and let dad have dinner. Problem solved. Be respectful to your ex. And, ask your child what they want. Your focus and priority should be your child, not your boyfriend and it sounds like your boyfriend is the focus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Fun for who? You? Your child? The ex? It would only be fun for you. You can show off your new relationship or AP and be cruel to your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

If you were really putting your son first you'd give him the birthday he actually wants, not the birthday he's willing to tolerate under pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

He has the right to say no in seeing your boyfriend and his kids (and probably paying for it to). This is about your child, not you. You are not married or a family. Take your child for lunch and let dad have dinner. Problem solved. Be respectful to your ex. And, ask your child what they want. Your focus and priority should be your child, not your boyfriend and it sounds like your boyfriend is the focus.

This post right here is making it about ex-husband‘s feelings though. And I have no idea what you mean about paying for it. Ds is not available for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

If you were really putting your son first you'd give him the birthday he actually wants, not the birthday he's willing to tolerate under pressure.

I’ll ask him what he wants to do but just like every year he’ll say I don’t care or he will say I want to do the thing you planned. Originally it was going to be a sleepover with friends but that got moved thus this “dilemma”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

If you were really putting your son first you'd give him the birthday he actually wants, not the birthday he's willing to tolerate under pressure.

I’ll ask him what he wants to do but just like every year he’ll say I don’t care or he will say I want to do the thing you planned. Originally it was going to be a sleepover with friends but that got moved thus this “dilemma”.

So, when you asked what he wants he did not say "I want tension and awkwardness between my parents, and also to spend two hours with BF and his kids". Right?

Children of divorce are under a lot of pressure to go along to get along. Don't be so quick to believe him when he says it's ok.