Kid birthday plans issue

[Anonymous]

Please give me your opinions.

Exh and I share 50/50 custody of 3 teens. Well, the oldest is 18 now so I guess 2 kids.

Background: Like many divorced families we deviated from the decree schedule quite a bit but generally maintain the 50/50 time with the kids being with me a bit more due to his work travel and long distance relationship. They are engaged now and she will be moving here (she's empty nest) so that's good. I am also in an LDR going on more than 3 years but we see each other less frequently because his job is less flexible and his kids are at home like mine. We generally have a good coparenting relationship.

Originally for his birthday my ds (turning 13) was going to have a slumber party at my house even though he is 'with' his dad that weekend. Our kids often do this so they can have the house without their brothers around. Exh was fine with this. Then ds asked to move the party to the next weekend so more people could come. Because of this it opened up that night for dinner. My bf and his kids are in town that weekend (we live in his hometown) so I asked exh if we could take all the kids to a fun place for dinner for a few hours. My kids and bf kids get along great - all teen boys, etc. They see each other once or twice a year due to distance but communicate on social media, etc. This is the only time during their visit that we can all get together.

Exh is being very resistant to the idea and now wants to take the kids to dinner with his dad instead and said I could come along. In the past we have done some bdays dinners like this all together so this is not unusual. However, in this case it is important to me that since there is an opening for my kids to spend time with bf kids I want to do dinner with them. It's not just dinner it's a fun place with a band and arcade, etc.

Legally I am entitled to 2 hours from 6-8 with my kid for his bday per the decree (this is usually standard in divorce.) I don't want to bring this up at all but it's in my back pocket. Would the shoe be on the other foot I would be absolutely supportive of exh and his fiance/stb wife taking the kids to dinner especially to do something fun. In some ways I would expect it.

How much do I push this? I feel like I am very supportive of exh and his relationship and being supportive of the kids with her, etc. But I don't want to cause ww2 but I don't want to be a pushover. FWIW BF of course wants to do this but also understands as a dad who shares custody that it can get tricky. My biggest issue here is that exh claimed he made dinner plans already but that would have been impossible bc there was a sleepover planned that night.

[Anonymous]

As a child of divorce this post just makes me feel tired. Are you like this about every minor "holiday"?

Don't overestimate your children's desire to spend time with your boyfriend's kids. They will likely tell you what you want to hear, because that's the most convenient thing for them, but your XH may know they don't actually want to spend their birthday this way and is trying to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you focus on what your son wants for his birthday, rather than creating drama over what YOU want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a child of divorce this post just makes me feel tired. Are you like this about every minor "holiday"?

Don't overestimate your children's desire to spend time with your boyfriend's kids. They will likely tell you what you want to hear, because that's the most convenient thing for them, but your XH may know they don't actually want to spend their birthday this way and is trying to protect them.

Absolutely not. Normally I am go along to get along. Which is why I feel I want to put my foot down about this.

And no, he is not trying to protect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you focus on what your son wants for his birthday, rather than creating drama over what YOU want.

So we should ask him to choose?

Who is to say exh isn't creating drama?

[Anonymous]

Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

Exactly. You are being selfish, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

THere is no spending the night with bf kids. I would pick up my kids from exh house and then bring them back in a few hours.

So I should ask ds if he wants to do dinner with bf and me or dinner with his dad? Seems unfair to him to ask him that. KWIM?

[Anonymous]

You're wrong. Mixing your kids with your boyfriend's kids is not important. Your kid spending time with his father is what's important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're wrong. Mixing your kids with your boyfriend's kids is not important. Your kid spending time with his father is what's important.

He is with him all week that week 'spending time.' Plus DS had a sleepover planned at my house with friends originally that night and exh was fine with that. Now he is not fine with dinner with me and bf and kids. I wonder if I told him I would be taking ds and the other 2 but bf wouldn't be there if that would change his stance.

The non possessory parent gets the birthday kid for dinner anyway. It's part of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

THere is no spending the night with bf kids. I would pick up my kids from exh house and then bring them back in a few hours.

So I should ask ds if he wants to do dinner with bf and me or dinner with his dad? Seems unfair to him to ask him that. KWIM?

Ok, there are more than two options in the world! Ask him if he wants a special dinner or activity just with his mom and his brothers. Ask him whatever. But stop actling like the only birthday you could possibly plan is spending time with your BF and BF's kids. Because I guarantee your child does not care about them the way you do. Stop making this about *you* and what *you* want, and think about your son and what he wants, since it's his birthday after all. It's supposed to be a time to spend time with and celebrate your child, it's not a time to try to further your goal of a family-like relationship with these other people. Focus on your SON, not your self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

THere is no spending the night with bf kids. I would pick up my kids from exh house and then bring them back in a few hours.

So I should ask ds if he wants to do dinner with bf and me or dinner with his dad? Seems unfair to him to ask him that. KWIM?

Ok, there are more than two options in the world! Ask him if he wants a special dinner or activity just with his mom and his brothers. Ask him whatever. But stop actling like the only birthday you could possibly plan is spending time with your BF and BF's kids. Because I guarantee your child does not care about them the way you do. Stop making this about *you* and what *you* want, and think about your son and what he wants, since it's his birthday after all. It's supposed to be a time to spend time with and celebrate your child, it's not a time to try to further your goal of a family-like relationship with these other people. Focus on your SON, not your self.

I get that. But I truly think what we have planned will be fun. I already ran it by him and he was like ok cool. This was before I mentioned it to exh not thinking it would be a big deal since ds wasn't going to be with exh that night anyway.

I will ask him if he wants to go with just him and his brothers or if he wants to include bf and kids too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

THere is no spending the night with bf kids. I would pick up my kids from exh house and then bring them back in a few hours.

So I should ask ds if he wants to do dinner with bf and me or dinner with his dad? Seems unfair to him to ask him that. KWIM?

Ok, there are more than two options in the world! Ask him if he wants a special dinner or activity just with his mom and his brothers. Ask him whatever. But stop actling like the only birthday you could possibly plan is spending time with your BF and BF's kids. Because I guarantee your child does not care about them the way you do. Stop making this about *you* and what *you* want, and think about your son and what he wants, since it's his birthday after all. It's supposed to be a time to spend time with and celebrate your child, it's not a time to try to further your goal of a family-like relationship with these other people. Focus on your SON, not your self.

I get that. But I truly think what we have planned will be fun. I already ran it by him and he was like ok cool. This was before I mentioned it to exh not thinking it would be a big deal since ds wasn't going to be with exh that night anyway.

I will ask him if he wants to go with just him and his brothers or if he wants to include bf and kids too.

Real talk: What kind of relationship is this if they only see each other a few times a year? What's the point of putting your sons into this situation? Are you planning to get married to this guy? Why do you care if your son spends time with these children?

Is it in your children's best interest to press this issue with your ex and make things awkward, or is it more about your best interest? Yes, it's your time apparently, and yes you've accepted a new partner on his end, but still, if it makes life complicated your children will notice and they won't be happy about it.

[Anonymous]

You may be in the right vis a vis your ex, but does your son want his parents to have this issue about his birthday? Can't you dig in your heels about this another time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Go with what your child wants. And why the heck would he want to spend the night with a bf's kids?? Your celebration of his birthday doesn't have to happen just on his birthday.

THere is no spending the night with bf kids. I would pick up my kids from exh house and then bring them back in a few hours.

So I should ask ds if he wants to do dinner with bf and me or dinner with his dad? Seems unfair to him to ask him that. KWIM?

It's his birthday! What do you mean?

As another poster who is a product of divorce, I would enjoy having to make my own plans for my birthday, instead of this "mom gets 2 hours legally" BS. Maybe he chooses you, maybe he does not. Ugh.