Kid birthday plans issue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

If you were really putting your son first you'd give him the birthday he actually wants, not the birthday he's willing to tolerate under pressure.

I’ll ask him what he wants to do but just like every year he’ll say I don’t care or he will say I want to do the thing you planned. Originally it was going to be a sleepover with friends but that got moved thus this “dilemma”.

So, when you asked what he wants he did not say "I want tension and awkwardness between my parents, and also to spend two hours with BF and his kids". Right?

Children of divorce are under a lot of pressure to go along to get along. Don't be so quick to believe him when he says it's ok.

Here is the thing. There was no tension or awkwardness at all until exh tried to nix dinner plans. As of now ds has no idea.

[Anonymous]

If you make this a battle you will not have a fun night. Your son will know and it will put a shadow on any fun plan you have for this birthday and maybe future ones. They will always talk about how you had to be the main event and you can’t let dad share the spotlight.

You’ve got the main event and you had it even when it wasn’t your right. Your ex was quite generous. I don’t get why you need to be the star for both the day and the big party.

Don’t bring your kid into this. Don’t fight with his dad over this. Don’t in any way make his birthday about conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue isn't if you can see your son. The issue is including your boyfriend and his kids and what does your son want? I find it completely inappropriate you asked. You should see them on a different day and make this about your son, not you and your boyfriend. Or, take your son out to breakfast or lunch with your boyfriend and his kids but nice would be for you to focus on him, and not him in a large group or what he wants.

As I said before this is the only time we can all get together when they are in town. Otherwise I would compromise with exh and what he prefers.

I’m positive ds will have more fun doing our plans anyway more than a low key breakfast where we “focus” on him whatever that means.

In my view my ex-husband made this about my boyfriend. Not me. If I had said I wanted to take them to dinner just me he would have said fine.

Why is this? Why can't BF and BK kids change THEIR plans to accommodate you and your son, who is having the birthday.

Family commitments on their end and sports commitments on my ds end.

That is unfortunate then. I believe your son should make the choice, not you pulling the "2 hours" card. Good luck on threading the needle.
FWIW, I am 30 years out from my parents' divorce and have not spoken to my dad and his wife for 20, due to far too much of this type of drama.

I'm 10 years out and my dad always puts his girlfriends first and my mom puts her boyfriend and his family first... I don't really see or talk to either of them and have no interst in playing family with my mom's boyfriend who is a bit weird and makes no effort with us and its all forced by my mom.

The biggest reason why this long-distance relationship appeals to me is because It’s easy to keep my kids separate from my relationship and “put them first”. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever want them to be around my boyfriend and his kids so I take those chances when I have them.

If you were really putting your son first you'd give him the birthday he actually wants, not the birthday he's willing to tolerate under pressure.

I’ll ask him what he wants to do but just like every year he’ll say I don’t care or he will say I want to do the thing you planned. Originally it was going to be a sleepover with friends but that got moved thus this “dilemma”.

So, when you asked what he wants he did not say "I want tension and awkwardness between my parents, and also to spend two hours with BF and his kids". Right?

Children of divorce are under a lot of pressure to go along to get along. Don't be so quick to believe him when he says it's ok.

Here is the thing. There was no tension or awkwardness at all until exh tried to nix dinner plans. As of now ds has no idea.

He will, though. He might tell you what you want to hear to your face, but he'll notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you make this a battle you will not have a fun night. Your son will know and it will put a shadow on any fun plan you have for this birthday and maybe future ones. They will always talk about how you had to be the main event and you can’t let dad share the spotlight.

You’ve got the main event and you had it even when it wasn’t your right. Your ex was quite generous. I don’t get why you need to be the star for both the day and the big party.

Don’t bring your kid into this. Don’t fight with his dad over this. Don’t in any way make his birthday about conflict.

I think you are projecting narc issues on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

Again, you're making this all about you and what you want! You, you, you. It doesn't matter if your son would have more or less fun spending those two hours with your ex! What matters is you're choosing your son't birthday to take a stand about something that doesn't benefit your son.

Sometimes co-parenting does mean that you have to suck it up for the benefit of your child, yes. Sometimes you have to absorb the impact of your ex's bad behavior. That's what divorce parenting is. It's a bummer but that's the way it goes. Divorce is hard for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

Again, you're making this all about you and what you want! You, you, you. It doesn't matter if your son would have more or less fun spending those two hours with your ex! What matters is you're choosing your son't birthday to take a stand about something that doesn't benefit your son.

Sometimes co-parenting does mean that you have to suck it up for the benefit of your child, yes. Sometimes you have to absorb the impact of your ex's bad behavior. That's what divorce parenting is. It's a bummer but that's the way it goes. Divorce is hard for everyone.

I guess I don't see how putting my foot down about continuing with fun plans that his dad opposes doesn't benefit him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

Again, you're making this all about you and what you want! You, you, you. It doesn't matter if your son would have more or less fun spending those two hours with your ex! What matters is you're choosing your son't birthday to take a stand about something that doesn't benefit your son.

Sometimes co-parenting does mean that you have to suck it up for the benefit of your child, yes. Sometimes you have to absorb the impact of your ex's bad behavior. That's what divorce parenting is. It's a bummer but that's the way it goes. Divorce is hard for everyone.

I guess I don't see how putting my foot down about continuing with fun plans that his dad opposes doesn't benefit him.

You're being disingenuous. The dad opposes the boyfriend time. You can put your foot down but it will cause tension and spoil the birthday. You win, your son pays the price. Yes, your ex is wrong, the question is do you want to do this to your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

Again, you're making this all about you and what you want! You, you, you. It doesn't matter if your son would have more or less fun spending those two hours with your ex! What matters is you're choosing your son't birthday to take a stand about something that doesn't benefit your son.

Sometimes co-parenting does mean that you have to suck it up for the benefit of your child, yes. Sometimes you have to absorb the impact of your ex's bad behavior. That's what divorce parenting is. It's a bummer but that's the way it goes. Divorce is hard for everyone.

I guess I don't see how putting my foot down about continuing with fun plans that his dad opposes doesn't benefit him.

You're being disingenuous. The dad opposes the boyfriend time. You can put your foot down but it will cause tension and spoil the birthday. You win, your son pays the price. Yes, your ex is wrong, the question is do you want to do this to your son?

No I don't. But it would be exh doing it. Not me.