Kid birthday plans issue

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

It seems like you are pushing it, though, since you're pushing for them to spend time together. Look, if you have to pick up your son, drive to the place, eat/play/whatever, drive back all within 2 hours, it's really only an hour of time together with the BF and his kids. Is it really worth it? Why is this one hour so important to you, right now?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because you're choosing to set a boundary with your ex rather than prioritizing what your son actually wants for his birthday, which is likely not "Tension between my parents". Perhaps you have planned an adequately fun evening but that's not the point. The point is that it comes with a side of tension that will ruin it. Your DS and his brothers will know. It's not worth it. Draw this boundary with your ex another time, in another way, that doesn't poison the birthday.

They will only know if exh lets on. So I have to eat it bc exh is being difficult? FWIW ds was with exh last birthday too and they did nothing. I brought him lunch. Originally we were doing what he wanted to do but then he wanted to move it.

Again, you're making this all about you and what you want! You, you, you. It doesn't matter if your son would have more or less fun spending those two hours with your ex! What matters is you're choosing your son't birthday to take a stand about something that doesn't benefit your son.

Sometimes co-parenting does mean that you have to suck it up for the benefit of your child, yes. Sometimes you have to absorb the impact of your ex's bad behavior. That's what divorce parenting is. It's a bummer but that's the way it goes. Divorce is hard for everyone.

I guess I don't see how putting my foot down about continuing with fun plans that his dad opposes doesn't benefit him.

You're being disingenuous. The dad opposes the boyfriend time. You can put your foot down but it will cause tension and spoil the birthday. You win, your son pays the price. Yes, your ex is wrong, the question is do you want to do this to your son?

No I don't. But it would be exh doing it. Not me.

That's completely beside the point. Either you want him to have a nice birthday or you don't. Divorce means everyone in the family has to suck it up in 1000 ways. This is yours.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am realizing now that I think exh forgot about the slumber party and made plans with his dad for dinner with the kids but doesn't want to admit it to me. He is constantly forgetting things re the kids and it is something he knows irritates me.

[Anonymous]

Ex is generous. Gives you his entire day. Plans change. You cannot extend same courtesy. Going to make for some tough teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex is generous. Gives you his entire day. Plans change. You cannot extend same courtesy. Going to make for some tough teen years.

More like he was happy not to deal with the slumber party and fine with passing it off to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am realizing now that I think exh forgot about the slumber party and made plans with his dad for dinner with the kids but doesn't want to admit it to me. He is constantly forgetting things re the kids and it is something he knows irritates me.

You mean the slumber party you organized and we’re supposed to host? His time, his choice. You need to stop controlling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

This is your child’s birthday and you care more about being with your boyfriend than your kid. You can see the boyfriend when you don’t have the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

But why? Why do you care, if it's a LDR and you don't want to marry. You're making your son's birthday difficult and I can't figure out why.

How am I making it difficult? We had fun plans. Exh wants to nix them.

And it's not that I don't see a future or never marry. I am just not pushing it at this time.

Because it is your exs time and it’s not fun for him.

[Anonymous]

Update. I rolled. Told exh we won’t go if he really has a problem with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

This is your child’s birthday and you care more about being with your boyfriend than your kid. You can see the boyfriend when you don’t have the kid.

Has nothing to do with me seeing him. I can see him regardless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really don’t understand the prior posts. I don’t see it as a big deal for your BF and kids to be there, if it’s all as you say. That said, I probably would just have dinner with your child on his bday, as you are entitled to. It just wouldn’t be worth the drama to include BF and his kids; just do that another time despite the convenience of them being in town that weekend. I’m not divorced, but I think that’s how I’d handle it.

I mean I hear what you’re saying. But I just don’t get why I should let my ex-husband dictate this. Especially when I know it would truly be fun.

Because it isn't fair to your son to make his birthday a source of tension and uncomfortableness. You don't have to let your ex-husband dictate it, but it seems like you want your son to spend time with your BF's kids just to make the point, and you're convincing yourself that your son wants this. But wouldn't he have an even better time with his actual friends that he sees regularly? You're not doing this for your son. If you weren't dating this guy, you wouldn't be inviting these kids. You want this for you. Stop using events in your son's life to pursue your agenda.

You need to open your eyes to the non-happening of the relationship between these kids. Your sons are teenagers. They will soon be gone off to college and they will care even less about your BF and his children than they do now. Your BF chose to move away, the relationship is fading, and if you try to force them to spend their limited time at home with these people they will likely resent you. You don't have a lot of birthdays left with your son at home! Why are you choosing to make it difficult? Yes, your ex is wrong, but if you take advantage of a birthday to get this, your child will resent you.

This kind of thing is why it sucks to be ACOD.

The relationship is not fading. It started long after he moved away. And yes originally he was going to spend the day with his friends. As I said.

No, the relationship between your son and your BF's children is fading. Look, there's only so much your sons are going to care about kids who don't live near them and who they seldom see. They'll care even less after they go to college, and if you try to push the blended family thing on their school breaks they'll totally resent it and avoid you.

We all know if you broke up with this guy, the relationship of the kids would go poof.

Oh got it. Yes I get that we can't force them to be friends. That said, we do still try to arrange things when we can at least until it's not fun or whatever with them.

This is your child’s birthday and you care more about being with your boyfriend than your kid. You can see the boyfriend when you don’t have the kid.

Has nothing to do with me seeing him. I can see him regardless

So, why would you even suggest this? Your child should come first on their birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Real talk: What kind of relationship is this if they only see each other a few times a year? What's the point of putting your sons into this situation? Are you planning to get married to this guy? Why do you care if your son spends time with these children?

Is it in your children's best interest to press this issue with your ex and make things awkward, or is it more about your best interest? Yes, it's your time apparently, and yes you've accepted a new partner on his end, but still, if it makes life complicated your children will notice and they won't be happy about it.

We are in an LDR. The kids were friends when they were younger before they moved away. They only see each other a few times a year either when they all come into town or we have gone on vacay once or twice with them. This is a committed relationship and 'serious' but no plans to marry because it is LDR and I do not want to be married right now. I would say this is quasi-family.

In my opinion (biased) ds will have more fun with bf doing our plans. And yes it is my interest because it furthers the relationship with all of us, but ds also benefits.

How exactly does your DS benefit? Does he really love your BF that much? Is it worth the tradeoff of awkwardness with his father?

I really think you are looking with your me-goggles on.

He benefits because its going to be fun! Arcade and music and running around doing fun things. For him it’s not about my bf.

Great. You can take him another time.

[Anonymous]

Your poor kids. OP you are not coming off well in this thread. The plan was the sleepover at your home that night. That changed to the following weekend. Since they kids were supposed to be with your ex, the plans should revert to that. You tried to squeeze in extra plans and that's your issue. If you want to pull the card in your back pocket be prepared for your X to do the same and be less flexible. Is that worth it for dinner with your boy friend and his kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your poor kids. OP you are not coming off well in this thread. The plan was the sleepover at your home that night. That changed to the following weekend. Since they kids were supposed to be with your ex, the plans should revert to that. You tried to squeeze in extra plans and that's your issue. If you want to pull the card in your back pocket be prepared for your X to do the same and be less flexible. Is that worth it for dinner with your boy friend and his kids?

It wasn't fair to dump an overnight party on her ex. Sounds like it was done on purpose. She should have switched weekends with the ex and had the party at her house.

[Anonymous]

OP and her ex seem like the kind of divorced people who scream at each other in the driveway while the anxious kids watch and listen from the house. It's always about 'winning' with them, never really about the children.