Reply to If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?

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Reply to "If you come from a FUNCTIONAL family, why resent/dislike people from dysfunctional families?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is a book of short stories by Douglas Coupland called Life After God. In it, in one of the stories, a man is at his mother’s house after a divorce. She tells him that no couple is in love forever, that when the love fades you have friendship and companionship. She also goes on to say that all people are flawed and finding your person to grow cold with is not about finding someone without flaws - it’s finding a person where you say “these are the flaws and problems I choose”.

Of course people from dysfunctional families deserve love and a chance to change and break patterns. But no one owes them the service of being patient with them while they work through their issues. That is to say, some people will be able to work with the dysfunction but others cannot. It is not a moral failing to not want to deal with someone else’s issues and growth process. It’s not a moral failing to not want to inherit toxic, dysfunctional in-laws and/or family drama. My family is not perfect, but they are very stable and drama free, almost boringly so. When I chose a spouse, I wanted someone who came from a similarly stable and supportive family. [/quote]

OP here. I would never suggest that anyone has a duty to befriend a dysfunctional person, help them through their issues, and certainly not MARRY them. Of course not.

I'm saying I don't understand why people are often angry and cruel to people from dysfunctional backgrounds. Telling them to "get over it" for instance. Gossiping about them, etc. When I encounter a dysfunctional person I don't want to deal with, I think "there but for the grace of God go I" and move along. I don't say nasty things to or about them (why?) or act superior. So why wouldn't a person from a good background be able to do this?[/quote]

NP, but [b]why aren't they getting over it? Are they working on it? Or are they just wallowing in dysfunction, passing it onto their children and coworkers?[/b] It's exhausting when other people don't deal with their problems.

I think your question is more about why some people gossip or have little patience for others.  [/quote]

+1[/quote]

Some things are impossible to “get over” even if you “work on it.”

I guess the proof is in the pudding OP.  People just are impatient and judgmental - seeking or waiting for their acceptance will not come.[/quote]

Also, "get over it" or "you need to work on it" are not productive comments towards someone who is struggling.

You can talk about yourself. You can say "It's hard for me to listen to you complain about this issue a lot -- it is impacting my own mental health. I need a break from this." You can also just choose not to spend time with that person. But there is simply no reason to express anger at someone who is struggling, to be angry with the fact that they are struggling. They just are. It has nothing to do with you.

Some people seem to resent the idea that there are people in the world who struggle, and that they might be expected to interact with such a person in life. That's not a reasonable expectation. You don't have to befriend, marry, or go into business with people from dysfunctional backgrounds. But you will encounter them at times. Unless they do something TO you, there is not reason to be upset about it and there is definitely not excuse for expressing anger or disgust with such a person.[/quote]

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