I ruined my marriage with my soulmate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You brought this on yourself you crying @$$ mother f#*@&$@. Shut your b*%-%/ @$$ up and get on with your life and back inside of what got you in trouble in the first place. Then find a new "soulmate" after you've gotten your piece wet enough to stop crying yourself to sleep. You sound like a b!?#& by the way, hope your father isn't ashamed of you.

I did bring this on myself. I am struggling to understand and accept I deeply hurt someone I love so much, and hurt myself too. I have no desire to find someone else. I truly believe she was the one. I am struggling to figure out how I can move on and live with myself, after having done such terrible things.

[Anonymous]

What happened to the really good, yet funny, troll posts? Instead, we get this drivel.

[Anonymous]

I'm bringing out my teeny tiny violin for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is hope for you. I have been reading a lot to deal with my husband's emotional abuse and I came across several resources to help men who are in your situation. You can become better and be happy and have a good relationship someday (forget the idea of a soulmate).

Here is a blog post that isn't totally relevant to you, but the guy has been in your situation and he got through it. He has probably written other things about it.

https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/the-healing-journey-of-the-emotional-abuser/

Thank you. I relate a lot to what he wrote. It is clear - I emotionally abused my ex-wife. I apologized to her, but it no longer matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is this pattern for some men:

Treat a woman poorly. Assume she won't leave. Externalize your feelings of shame and low self-esteem by transforming them into anger and disgust with other people, particularly the primary woman in your life. Feel a little bit better -- temporarily -- by cheating on the woman, and/or expressing your disgust for some aspect of their personality or body directly, and/or simple fits of rage about trivial matters. Be surprised when she leaves.

Be consumed by guilt over the process. Externalize those feelings again by placing your shame and self-loathing out there and making other people deal with it by expressing in detail how depressed you are, how hard this is for you, and often suicidal ideation. Make other people deal with it. Don't actual change, but wallow in the negative feelings and express them in greater and greater detail.

Rinse and repeat.

---

Don't know if this is you, OP, but take a good look at it.

The way out of this is to deal with your own emotions and the consequences of your actions in therapy. It's hard, and it doesn't feel good, but it means dealing with it instead of just vomiting it all over other people for attention and to (somewhat paradoxically) avoid responsibility AGAIN.

This is very relevant to me. I can see myself in your description. I am very serious about therapy - I am even seeing three, hoping they can help me fix myself. I do not do this for attention though - I am in a very severe depression and need help. And yes, taking responsibility is so hard for me. I need to get there, and own my mistakes. I am just unable or unwilling to accept that it was me. I now feel so detached from the person who acted in such a horrible way for such a long time, but I know this is an easy way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of your issues come from the same place — inability to tolerate difficult emotions. If you let yourself feel some of this without the whole story of self-blame, with some compassion for yourself, you would be in a different place.

This is a very good point. I always struggled with that, and with adversity in general, instead of counting my blessings and living in the present moment. Been always looking for safety. I just don't know how to move away from the self-blame - because objectively, I acted in such a horrible way against my ex-wife who was just kindess and understanding with me. Why would I have some compassion for myself given what I have done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of your issues come from the same place — inability to tolerate difficult emotions. If you let yourself feel some of this without the whole story of self-blame, with some compassion for yourself, you would be in a different place.

This is a very good point. I always struggled with that, and with adversity in general, instead of counting my blessings and living in the present moment. Been always looking for safety. I just don't know how to move away from the self-blame - because objectively, I acted in such a horrible way against my ex-wife who was just kindess and understanding with me. Why would I have some compassion for myself given what I have done?

PP here. The self-blame and judgment is a narrative in your head; a habit, if you will. You may have been brought up to judge and get into your head instead of feeling and learning to work through your feelings. The compassion you need to generate for yourself starts there — in understanding your own emotional life and history, in realizing that you never cultivated the ability to feel your emotions and acknowledge them kindly. This led you to avoid difficult feelings and seek distraction and control whenever painful emotions came up. That’s where you were at the time. You can only take responsibility after you become responsive to what’s in you. This is the stuff you’re responsible for. Once you get a handle on that you won’t be running away from everything. You will know how to genuinely assume responsibility for your relationships, how to genuinely hear and make room for other people’s feelings and offer the kind of response that would mean something. But right now you need to stop spinning in the loop of self-hatred and blame. That’s not helping anyone. Feel the things you’re afraid of feeling.

[Anonymous]

^^one thing that might help — feeling bad is not the same as being bad. You might be confusing the two. Take it one minute at a time. Feel your sadness, guilt, anxiety, shame. Take a break and take care of yourself — eat healthy, exercise, try not to get consumed in your inner narrative. Feel the feelings. Repeat. Over time you’ll build up more of a tolerance for the feelings and they will evoke kindness in you, not anger and escapist impulses. This is a process of healing for you. Only as a whole person can you be good for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

I think he would be better off a sincere apology and accountability not with the motive of using it to get his soul mate back, but to take responsibility and offer that remorse.

[Anonymous]

OP stop blaming yourself. Obviously your wife wasn't giving you what you needed in the marriage and you had no choice but to seek relief elsewhere. It's obvious she just didn't "get" you and the butterflies weren't there any longer. You're like the Meryl Streep character in "Bridges of Madison County" with genders swapped. I can't believe the harsh criticism you're getting from a.bunch of incels and femcels. If she had been a truly good wife.she would have kept you satisfied and you wouldn't have stayed. The divorce is her fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^one thing that might help — feeling bad is not the same as being bad. You might be confusing the two. Take it one minute at a time. Feel your sadness, guilt, anxiety, shame. Take a break and take care of yourself — eat healthy, exercise, try not to get consumed in your inner narrative. Feel the feelings. Repeat. Over time you’ll build up more of a tolerance for the feelings and they will evoke kindness in you, not anger and escapist impulses. This is a process of healing for you. Only as a whole person can you be good for someone else.

I appreciate you taking the time to write this. Thank you. Sadly, I am sinking into depression more and more every day to the point I can't hardly function. I hope that something internally or externally will trigger a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

I think he would be better off a sincere apology and accountability not with the motive of using it to get his soul mate back, but to take responsibility and offer that remorse.

I did. And would do it again. But she cut off contact, which I respect. She was indifferent to my apologies and has not forgiven me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP stop blaming yourself. Obviously your wife wasn't giving you what you needed in the marriage and you had no choice but to seek relief elsewhere. It's obvious she just didn't "get" you and the butterflies weren't there any longer. You're like the Meryl Streep character in "Bridges of Madison County" with genders swapped. I can't believe the harsh criticism you're getting from a.bunch of incels and femcels. If she had been a truly good wife.she would have kept you satisfied and you wouldn't have stayed. The divorce is her fault.

I assume this is meant to be irony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Communicate to her in writing a brief note that you didn't cheat just once, but approx. x amount of times.

It will help erase any potential fleeting doubts she may have on an off day about ending things.

No need, she is very satisfied with her decision and started a relationship with someone else. She mourned the relationship while still being married but separated, and gradually moved on. She met someone else right before divorcing me by text message.