I ruined my marriage with my soulmate

[Anonymous]

There is hope for you. I have been reading a lot to deal with my husband's emotional abuse and I came across several resources to help men who are in your situation. You can become better and be happy and have a good relationship someday (forget the idea of a soulmate).

Here is a blog post that isn't totally relevant to you, but the guy has been in your situation and he got through it. He has probably written other things about it.

https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/the-healing-journey-of-the-emotional-abuser/

[Anonymous]

There is this pattern for some men:

Treat a woman poorly. Assume she won't leave. Externalize your feelings of shame and low self-esteem by transforming them into anger and disgust with other people, particularly the primary woman in your life. Feel a little bit better -- temporarily -- by cheating on the woman, and/or expressing your disgust for some aspect of their personality or body directly, and/or simple fits of rage about trivial matters. Be surprised when she leaves.

Be consumed by guilt over the process. Externalize those feelings again by placing your shame and self-loathing out there and making other people deal with it by expressing in detail how depressed you are, how hard this is for you, and often suicidal ideation. Make other people deal with it. Don't actual change, but wallow in the negative feelings and express them in greater and greater detail.

Rinse and repeat.

---

Don't know if this is you, OP, but take a good look at it.

The way out of this is to deal with your own emotions and the consequences of your actions in therapy. It's hard, and it doesn't feel good, but it means dealing with it instead of just vomiting it all over other people for attention and to (somewhat paradoxically) avoid responsibility AGAIN.

[Anonymous]

I had this play out with a college boyfriend. He cheated so I dumped him and rhen he kept telling me we were "soul mates" and I had to take him back. Yuck. Just pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You brought this on yourself you crying @$$ mother f#*@&$@. Shut your b*%-%/ @$$ up and get on with your life and back inside of what got you in trouble in the first place. Then find a new "soulmate" after you've gotten your piece wet enough to stop crying yourself to sleep. You sound like a b!?#& by the way, hope your father isn't ashamed of you.

Ouch!
Harsh, but true. Well said

100% he learned it from dad. 75% of men with cheating fathers end up cheating themselves. Mom, on the other hand, is beside herself.

[Anonymous]

All of your issues come from the same place — inability to tolerate difficult emotions. If you let yourself feel some of this without the whole story of self-blame, with some compassion for yourself, you would be in a different place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like this was written by a woman who was cheated on

Exactamundo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Learn from this. Don’t make the same mistakes with a woman in your future. Give yourself time to heal. Let your ex go. She deserves to put this behind her. You both deserve happiness in the future on different paths.

this

[Anonymous]

Get therapy. Sounds like your a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Troll. I said it first.

[Anonymous]

Cry me a river. You need very good therapy to change your ways, but you won't go to therapy unless you find one that you can manipulate and one that will keep stroking your ego, in which case you will never get the help you need.

[Anonymous]

Another one bites the dust

[Anonymous]

Sucks to be you lol how pathetic you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ruined my 3 years marriage and 6 years relationship and been divorced 3 months ago. She did not feel valued and respected for years. I was avoidant. I was not emotionally available and was feeling depressed throughout our relationship for personal reasons (guilt over my old father who I felt I "abandoned" by moving to a different country, job below my qualifications). I was also a serial cheater. One day, I felt too much guilt and confessed to her (to one cheating only). I also thought she deserved to know. Even after confessing, I was still acting like an entitled piece of shit, sending flirting messages to women, which she found out. This started a process that led to the divorce.

It has been 3 months and I am hitting rock bottom every day. It is hell. She was my soulmate. My everything. I can't live without her. I am empty. The divorce took the little sense of self I had. I am consumed with regrets, guilt, self-hatred and remorses. I also am a covert narcissist. Doing therapy.

Death and suicide are always on my mind, but I am too scared to hurt myself. I just can't live without her and can't accept that I repeatedly did everything to ruin the most precious thing I ever had. While she now feels happy without me.

I can't live with myself.

You sound like Tiger Woods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your wife is your soul mate? Not the various APs and other women you had? You are not hers now.

Fair point. I never had feelings for anyone else but my ex-wife. Cheating was not about feelings, it was an escape from my problems, a way to get high, to regulate my poor self esteem maybe, to fill the emptiness of my existence and also deal with my depressive mood. It was criminal. I know. I also know my ex-wife is gone. I am not trying to get her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your grief is temporary. It's just a twinge of pain because you are no longer the center of attention. You will soon find other women to try to fill the bottomless pit of selfishness within you. Luckily for you, women are interchangeable and disposable. This is the pattern for the rest of your life - you won't be happy because you can't find happiness in another person. You have to be content with yourself. Keep searching dating apps, though - you might find THE ONE. And the one after that, and the one after that.

I have absolutely no desire to be using dating apps or be with someone else, and I can't imagine loving someone else than her. Of course, I understand she is gone and I am not trying to get her back. I believe I am genuine about my love for her, and I can't see myself moving on from this divorce. And I agree with you, I need to be content with myself, but I feel such a void inside me, which I've felt before. Everything reminds me of her, and I can't accept that or understand why I hurt her and ruined my life. I had everything to be happy and make her happier, and ruined it, repeatedly.