Why can’t I just be honest and tell my daughter that living as a fat woman is hard

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between being fat sucks because there is something wrong with fat people and being fat sucks because society is cruel to fat people and you seem to imply the former. I would be very careful how you talk about how it is hard to be fat because if she becomes fat she is still the wonderful girl you love and she should know that fatness is not inherently bad but people are mean to fat people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't think she knows? You think nobody's ever made fun of her for having a fat mom, or the clothes you wear or how they fit you? You think she's never seen you hesitate before you sit down in a delicate-looking chair? You think she's never noticed you heave your body up from a sitting position?

This is all obvious. She doesn't need to be told.

NP here and NO most people have no idea how hard it is to be a fat woman. And I am talking about actually morbidly obese. Having been there yes, I have told my own DD that she should keep a healthy weight because being fat is just so physically hard and miserable.

Things you once did easily, you get winded and it just hurts and you just don't want to do it. I remember there was a point were just standing to do the dishes for 10 minutes hurt my knees and legs. There was a point where the steering wheel kind of dug into my stomach. I hated shopping with friends because I got tired so quickly. Going to eat, if there was a booth, nightmare because sometimes I couldn't get in the booth or my stomach spilled over on the table if the table couldn't be moved. I couldn't even buy regular bracelets and earrings in the store. The bracelets were too tight and my earlobs got fat - no I am not kidding - regular post earrings that I picked up at regular stores sometimes didn't fit, the posts were too short. It was all awful and terrible.

[Anonymous]

Girls get these messages their whole lives. They know. They know in their bones. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom wasn’t obese but she had huge self esteem issues. Hearing her put herself down had a huge impact on my own self esteem. I still think I’m the ugliest person and was terrified of turning 40 because she had early menopause and I’m still somewhat convinced 40 is the end of life. Never put yourself down in front of her. Even small comments.

+1

My mom was always on the heavy side (clearly genetics; her whole family was stocky and struggled with weight). But she never, never, never put herself down in front of me, and she never equated her value as a person with her looks. She carried herself like someone who knew they had worth and was comfortable in their own skin. She talked about eating healthy and getting exercise and being active, and she did those things, but never about her looks. I think that set me up for a healthy relationship with food and my own body as I grew up, and made it easier to maintain a healthy weight. My self-esteem was never tied up in those things. Hearing your mom, the woman you love the most, and who is your first model of what it means to be a woman, tear herself down can be so damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the reasons why you are fat (IE possibly genetics???), she may not have much say in whether she gets fat or not. And if she does get fat, then what? You pre fat-shamed her.

Just emphasize healthy living -- exercise & healthy foods. And MODEL it yourself. It's not about being "fat" -- it's about how you live your life.

Also work on your self esteem. It's going to affect your kid and it seems likes yours is low.

I agree with this. I'm fat, and watched my DD go from thin to chubby with the onset of puberty. Her body looks much like mine and I feel terrible that she takes after me in this respect, but I also remember being that age and being desperate to change it and not really being able to, and I know that it is to a significant extent outside of her control. I require her to eat well and get exercise, but I am not going to hammer her with negative messages. After all, my mother did that to me, and it never helped at all.

NP, but I'd add -- it's really common for girls to get a little chubby with the onset of puberty or before a growth spurt, and it doesn't mean that they are destined to be fat. Assuming reasonably healthy diet and activity, they often slim back down as they get older. Telling her that being fat is the worst thing can end up pathologizing even the normal weight gain that girls experience.

[Anonymous]

I think the real message you send is that being not-fat is unachievable. Otherwise, why would you still be fat, if it's so awful? She will feel like it's inevitable and unavoidable.

Much better to model good eating, exercise, and a focus on health rather than size (IMO).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom wasn’t obese but she had huge self esteem issues. Hearing her put herself down had a huge impact on my own self esteem. I still think I’m the ugliest person and was terrified of turning 40 because she had early menopause and I’m still somewhat convinced 40 is the end of life. Never put yourself down in front of her. Even small comments.

I had an upbringing like this, and I work REALLY HARD to be better for my daughter.

OP, can you get some therapy? This is a hugely important issue. You want to raise a daughter who loves herself and can go out into the world and love other people. But, to get her there, you should model loving yourself. If you're not happy with your weight, you can work on it. If you are happy with your weight, you should own it.

The concept of body neutrality is interesting and I think more helpful than the quest to be skinny OR the "healthy at every size" movements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Girls get these messages their whole lives. They know. They know in their bones. I'm sorry, OP.

Strong disagree. I was raised by a thin mother who never criticized my appearance or focused on weight. I naively thought my personality and character was the thing that mattered the most. I ended up getting fat and was fat for a critical period in my life and it was very hard. Having been both fat and thin, I can tell you that being thin to average weight is much much easier. I'm going to make sure that my daughter knows that I love her just the same no matter her appearance; but, many things in life are made easier by not being overweight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real message you send is that being not-fat is unachievable. Otherwise, why would you still be fat, if it's so awful? She will feel like it's inevitable and unavoidable.

Much better to model good eating, exercise, and a focus on health rather than size (IMO).

+1. You think it will help her, but you might just send the message that if you gain weight, it's all over. Better to improve your own diet in healthy, sustainable ways, and become more active, and to talk about non-appearance-related benefits. Like, if you take a brisk walk every day, do you sleep better and have a better mood? If you lose some extra pounds, do you feel like you have more energy? You demonstrate how to make choices that make your body feel and work better, rather than model despair and bitterness and helplessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the reasons why you are fat (IE possibly genetics???), she may not have much say in whether she gets fat or not. And if she does get fat, then what? You pre fat-shamed her.

Just emphasize healthy living -- exercise & healthy foods. And MODEL it yourself. It's not about being "fat" -- it's about how you live your life.

Also work on your self esteem. It's going to affect your kid and it seems likes yours is low.

I agree with this. I'm fat, and watched my DD go from thin to chubby with the onset of puberty. Her body looks much like mine and I feel terrible that she takes after me in this respect, but I also remember being that age and being desperate to change it and not really being able to, and I know that it is to a significant extent outside of her control. I require her to eat well and get exercise, but I am not going to hammer her with negative messages. After all, my mother did that to me, and it never helped at all.

NP, but I'd add -- it's really common for girls to get a little chubby with the onset of puberty or before a growth spurt, and it doesn't mean that they are destined to be fat. Assuming reasonably healthy diet and activity, they often slim back down as they get older. Telling her that being fat is the worst thing can end up pathologizing even the normal weight gain that girls experience.

NP. Yes! That was true with both my daughters also! I was worried, I admit, but I never said a word. They both got a little chubby around 10. Around 12 they became longer and slimmer. They are pretty active and they are interested in eating healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knows. I had a fat mom and was embarrassed. Other kids made fun of her. I am 47 and have been thin my entire life. I think having a fat mom has made me stay thin.

Wow, this could be me. I am also 47.

Growing up with a morbidly obese mother, you totally know. Kids comment. It sucks. My mother took the approach of never addressing it with us. I don't think that's the way to go. Look, I have lots of issues I'm working on in this lifetime. I trend toward anxious. Sometimes I yell when I wish I didn't. I can tend to be over protective and hover with my kids. I talk about these things with my kids and we talk together about how I can do better for them and what they need from me. I don't see this is any different. Not that an obese person needs to "do better" necessarily. But talk to your kid about the fact that you're obese and how it makes you feel and why you think you got in this position. And ask your kid how they feel about it. And listen.

Just be authentic. That's what kids want. They don't need us to be perfect but they can smell our bullshit a million miles away and it doesn't age well for them as they get older and look at us more peer to peer.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. People are awful. There is so much about our bodies that is genetics and out of our control.

Agree with the PP who talked about a neutral approach. Please don't speak about yourself negatively to your daughter. I think it's fair to speak about your experience, but you are NOT at fault for being whatever size you are.

It's a lot to preach acceptance to people who have been shamed their whole lives—we all need to practice acceptance, but we could also do well to make sure we are not shaming others or teaching our kids to do so.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you're bitter. And the talk should be about what's best for your daughter, not what you feel pressured by society to say.

According to BMI charts I'm overweight, and haven't been thin since puberty. I tell my daughter that it's good to listen to your body and especially appetite cues, and find a way to eat balanced meals, because it's much easier to do so than to lose unwanted weight, when appetite cues go out the window and yoyo dieting is a huge problem. I also tell her I'm fine with my size, I don't worry about what people think, and I'm happy with my level of fitness (all true).

She can choose to work harder on being thin, or live her life and enjoy food the way I do, I think both are valid options. I hope she never gets to a point where she feels like she's not in control of her food, that food is in control of her.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to say a word, OP. Women are bombarded with messages and media images that celebrate youthful, thin bodies. Our girls are, too. And, many of these posts on this feed are indicative of the negative association some people in our lives have as well.

I'm so sorry that it sounds like people have been awful to you about your weight. Maybe focus some time on you? How can you help yourself become more loving and accepting of your body? If you have health issues, how can you focus on those rather than how your body looks compared to others?

I will say this: I'm a fat woman, and have sometimes been a VERY fat woman, and my life is not hard. I have a rewarding life and career, am physically active (ran a 5k recently), am married, dated a lot before I got married, etc., etc. I am also a size 18 -- which actually puts me in the average range for U.S. women. (Don't believe me? https://www.upworthy.com/size-14-is-no-longer-the-average-size-for-an-american-woman).

I don't know who these other "moms" are who people say ostracize fat moms, but honestly, I have no time for those people in my life. If people don't like how I look, it really has more to do with them than me.

My message to my own daughter: love yourself. Don't worry about other people. I am an example that attracting friends and relationships isn't dependent on your body size.

[Anonymous]

What exactly does that message help with? I'm fat and no offense have 0 solutions for losing the weight. I workout every day, I starve, I diet and as far as I'm concerned, next to doing legal methods I don't known how not to be fat.