Why can’t I just be honest and tell my daughter that living as a fat woman is hard

[Anonymous]

Well my mother was really thin and she was also bulemic. She never shut up about my weight. Not everyone who is thin is healthy physically or psychologicai.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my mother was really thin and she was also bulemic. She never shut up about my weight. Not everyone who is thin is healthy physically or psychologicai.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m ‘fat’ at a size 14 on my 5’3” frame and it never occurred to me to tell my DC that living as a fat woman is hard. In fact it isn’t. I’m active in my community and highly regarded, I have a good career and I do exercise and stay active. I can count on one hand the times that people have been rude to me about my weight, and that’s really more about them than it is about me.

Yes, I'm having a hard time figuring out just what is being discussed here. My mom has been "fat" for most of her adult life (she's 5'1" and wears size 14-16), and things seem great for her. I've never once been embarrassed by her weight (or anything about her) and nothing about her weight seems particularly difficult. I know she wishes she were thinner, but she doesn't seem to harp on it or let her weight stop her from doing whatever she wants. But I'm sure it could be different for someone who is morbidly obese. Is that what's being discussed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't think she knows? You think nobody's ever made fun of her for having a fat mom, or the clothes you wear or how they fit you? You think she's never seen you hesitate before you sit down in a delicate-looking chair? You think she's never noticed you heave your body up from a sitting position?

This is all obvious. She doesn't need to be told.

Wow, that was pretty cruel of you to write.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't think she knows? You think nobody's ever made fun of her for having a fat mom, or the clothes you wear or how they fit you? You think she's never seen you hesitate before you sit down in a delicate-looking chair? You think she's never noticed you heave your body up from a sitting position?

This is all obvious. She doesn't need to be told.

Gosh, you are cruel.

No, I'm the child of an obese mom and dealt with all these things. I pushed my mom's fatness aside to buckle her into her seatbelt. I helped her shop for clothes because she was too embarrassed to tell salespeople she was a 26/28. I got made fun of all the time for having a fat mom. I felt my face go red when my friend giggled watching my mother rock back and forth to get the momentum to heave herself up from the couch. I went through all of this and a lot more.

And you appear not to have learned anything. Have some empathy for your mother, PP. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well my mother was really thin and she was also bulemic. She never shut up about my weight. Not everyone who is thin is healthy physically or psychologicai.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really curious as to what people are considering as “fat”? I feel like that could mean a range of BMIs depending on your perspective, where you live (different norms in different parts of the country), etc.

I’m 50 years old, about 10 pounds overweight according to the BMI index, would like to lose the weight. My weight loss and my effort (I’m being honest!) have been slow going as we’ve started come out of the pandemic. I’ve been consistent with weight training but I’ve got a squishy middle for sure. What is fat?

And, separate but related, I 100% agree with people that say you should never ever ever put yourself down in front of your kids. You shouldn’t be doing it in your own head ideally but certainly not allowed in front of your kids.

I would consider “fat” to be clinically obese.

[Anonymous]

Don't put your complexes onto your child. For the love of god OP, do not do this.

I say this as someone who was a fat child, fat teen, and fat adult for most of my life - but finally "lost the weight" (and maintained it for almost a decade).

Focus on being healthy, all things in moderation, no restrictions, and moving your body for the physical AND mental benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Im gonna be real and say that instead of telling her that living as a fat woman is hard that living as rich and/or beautiful makes life easier. If you cant be one be the other.

It isnt about life being hard. Its about some things making life harder or some things making life easier.

Just want to point out I know several beautiful women who are rich and also fat. Being fat doesn't make you ugly or preclude you from being wealthy.

And being beautiful and Rich makes her life easier. You jumped a whole lot of hoops to get to that conclusion

[Anonymous]

I think you can do this without being weird.

I teach in a field where we talk a lot about different backgrounds and abilities. Almost every day I talk about the challenges of being a different ethnicity or religion or socioeconomic status, or having different (or dis-) abilities, and this includes body size. Using the word "fat" was hard for me, especially in front of fat people, but I do use it now without weirdness. I find it helps to refer to others who come from that perspective (so, yourself...or perhaps an author who writes about it, like Roxane Gay).

You don't have to have the conversation as A WARNING. You can just have it as a series of many conversations about diversity of experience.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the message is to take care or her body and health? And perhaps you should model this by caring for yourself more/better? Maybe say that you did not learn how important your health/body was growing up and wish you did, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're bitter. And the talk should be about what's best for your daughter, not what you feel pressured by society to say.

According to BMI charts I'm overweight, and haven't been thin since puberty. I tell my daughter that it's good to listen to your body and especially appetite cues, and find a way to eat balanced meals, because it's much easier to do so than to lose unwanted weight, when appetite cues go out the window and yoyo dieting is a huge problem. I also tell her I'm fine with my size, I don't worry about what people think, and I'm happy with my level of fitness (all true).

She can choose to work harder on being thin, or live her life and enjoy food the way I do, I think both are valid options. I hope she never gets to a point where she feels like she's not in control of her food, that food is in control of her.

If you eat right, then you don't have to work hard to be thin. You can be normal weight AND enjoy your life and food. Do you think that normal weight and thin people all starve themselves?

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom was overweight and I was pretty chubby as a kid. When I got to 12ish I started to feel self conscious about my weight and started eating less.
My parents noticed, I told them I didn’t want to be fat anymore and they started cooking differently etc. It helped but I also hit puberty then and got pretty tall so my weight was shifting anyway.
By about 15-16 I got borderline anorexic and they took me to a nutritionist; best thing ever, and she focused on health and macros and it sort of stuck.

I’ve never been overweight as an adult and I think learning the science behind it and knowing how to eat healthy are why.

I think you should model good eating and tell her you want to lose weight because of xyz (looking better, more energy, etc).

I do think it’s become super acceptable for Americans to be overweight even as kids and is should be discouraged (not PC but honestly- it’s not healthy and statistics prove that)

[Anonymous]

Encourage, bribe and insist on your daughter playing a team sport. Start her on swim team, she doesn’t have to be super talented and will be placed with othersin her skill set. Really talk it up and get hyperbolic about all sports accomplishments, even if it is just complimenting her persistence- “she’s not a quitter.” There is heaps of media now to help you out with the “strong, competent women” pep talk. Show her rugby player IIona Maher. Chances are good that your dd’s genetics are not going to skew thin- work on muscular and the body confidence that comes with mastering a sport.

[Anonymous]

My mother introduced the concept of yo yo dieting and body image issues, she also had model looks, it created havoc in my mind. I have gone between 130-250 and my skin shows. In my late 20s i finally confronted emotional eating and realized I picked up such unhealthy ways of coping, I have since been between 140-160 which probably equals to 130-150 if I had tight skin. I have three daughters. I cannot speak about others, but even with medical reasons for weight gain-for example I had an untreated (unaware at the time) thyroid- tsh of 15-20 for a couple of years before I found out and treated it, ultimately all of my weight changes were due to psychological needs and not hunger. My experience and what I share with my daughters is that being overweight or obese is never about the food but rather about so much more to do with body image, coping, seeing ourselves as sexual beings and that needs to be worked through rather than counting calories(even though counting calories is fine). I also firmly believe that being ow/obese -especially in formative years not only can cause diabetes and htn but also autoimmune issues-specifically inflammation of gaining and loosing weight.