Why can’t I just be honest and tell my daughter that living as a fat woman is hard

[Anonymous]

Do you think she is unaware of the world's cruelty and you think this information will help her make different choices ? Do you want her to understand the emotional life of her mother better? I'm not understanding why you want to tell her the world has been so unkind to you due to your size. How will this help her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fat and have been my whole life and don’t want my daughter to experience this. So I just want to come right out and tell her - whatever you do, do
Not get fat. Cause the world is rough on fat people.

I know we are supposed to emphasize health and movement and body positivity but I can’t help but feel
I am not telling her the whole truth.

She is 14. And not fat at all - yet.

Hey OP, are you open to the possibility of making losing the weight happen? (I am a former 250+ lb person, gained 100 lbs after abuse, am from a family of obese people and appreciate this stuff is all very complex). Do you think you'd then be able to tell her that you lost weight in part because life was harder as a heavier person?

FWIW worth, I tell my kids I once upon a time became overweight due to my mental health, and that treating those issues had a positive effect on my life in multiple ways (and I spell it all out).

Just thinking aloud -- I send you support and no judgement. Ignore anyone else who is mean or who hasn't walked this. They truly don't know.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re coming from a good intention OP. You don’t want her to suffer the same pain you have. That kind of transparency is really healthy. But is your message basically - Do as I say, Not as I do - that’s not really a great message….. I hope if you’re willing to be transparent, that you also share what you are doing to change being fat… what efforts you are making… I hope you aren’t eating pizzas and pastas and junk food in front her thinking that just telling her being fat sucks is enough…. What you role model matters more than what you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on the reasons why you are fat (IE possibly genetics???), she may not have much say in whether she gets fat or not. And if she does get fat, then what? You pre fat-shamed her.

Just emphasize healthy living -- exercise & healthy foods. And MODEL it yourself. It's not about being "fat" -- it's about how you live your life.

Also work on your self esteem. It's going to affect your kid and it seems likes yours is low.

I agree with this. I'm fat, and watched my DD go from thin to chubby with the onset of puberty. Her body looks much like mine and I feel terrible that she takes after me in this respect, but I also remember being that age and being desperate to change it and not really being able to, and I know that it is to a significant extent outside of her control. I require her to eat well and get exercise, but I am not going to hammer her with negative messages. After all, my mother did that to me, and it never helped at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re coming from a good intention OP. You don’t want her to suffer the same pain you have. That kind of transparency is really healthy. But is your message basically - Do as I say, Not as I do - that’s not really a great message….. I hope if you’re willing to be transparent, that you also share what you are doing to change being fat… what efforts you are making… I hope you aren’t eating pizzas and pastas and junk food in front her thinking that just telling her being fat sucks is enough…. What you role model matters more than what you say.

+1
I agree with this comment.
You see in the previous commentary how some nasty, judgmental people are.
Let your daughter know how you feel about them so she can be prepared to be strong among such horrible people one day.

[Anonymous]

You can talk about your struggles. But you can’t say “whatever you do don’t be fat.”

Do you know what people do to try not to be fat?

Being fat is a struggle, but so is yo-yo dieting, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorders, fixation with your body, etc. Those things will probably happen to your kid if you say that, no matter how much lip service you give to health.

And it won’t work. Your daughter has to deal with your genetics. She’ll probably be fat too. Do you want her to be fat and okay with her body or fat and live with intense shame around her body like you do?

She should read Roxane Gay and Lindy West. They have amazing books and essays about their bodies.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know… I struggled with weight my entire life. I was a chubby kid and a size 14 in high school, while being short. I was in good shape and played sports but I was always big. I don’t think I ate more than my thin siblings.

I always had a lot of self confidence, friends, boyfriends and a great social life. I’m about a size 16 now and maybe my kids are embarrassed of me but that’s who I am. I like to model healthy eating, an active lifestyle and loving yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re coming from a good intention OP. You don’t want her to suffer the same pain you have. That kind of transparency is really healthy. But is your message basically - Do as I say, Not as I do - that’s not really a great message….. I hope if you’re willing to be transparent, that you also share what you are doing to change being fat… what efforts you are making… I hope you aren’t eating pizzas and pastas and junk food in front her thinking that just telling her being fat sucks is enough…. What you role model matters more than what you say.

+1

OP, you deserve to have great self esteem and should go ahead and do any/all work needed to get there! That will be the best gift to your daughter. It's about much more than fat, as you know. My neighbor is a size 0 with aggressively obvious implants, vocally obsessed with designer clothes, and talks at the school bus stop about whether other women in the neighborhood are fitter or richer than she is ... I can only imagine the number this is doing on her children.

[Anonymous]

18:03 - to give context I’m 5’2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't think she knows? You think nobody's ever made fun of her for having a fat mom, or the clothes you wear or how they fit you? You think she's never seen you hesitate before you sit down in a delicate-looking chair? You think she's never noticed you heave your body up from a sitting position?

This is all obvious. She doesn't need to be told.

I’d rather have a fat mom than you for a mom. In fact, I’d rather BE the fat mom than be someone close to you. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can talk about your struggles. But you can’t say “whatever you do don’t be fat.”

Do you know what people do to try not to be fat?

Being fat is a struggle, but so is yo-yo dieting, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorders, fixation with your body, etc. Those things will probably happen to your kid if you say that, no matter how much lip service you give to health.

And it won’t work. Your daughter has to deal with your genetics. She’ll probably be fat too. Do you want her to be fat and okay with her body or fat and live with intense shame around her body like you do?

She should read Roxane Gay and Lindy West. They have amazing books and essays about their bodies.

DP. Another author I highly recommend: Virginia Sole-Smith. Not sure whether she’s got a book out yet, but she’s got a substack called Burnt Toast, and there’s tons of content in the free version. Her topic is raising kids who are healthy but free from unnecessary moral judgments about food and weight. I’m not doing a great job describing the topic, but she’s smart and a good writer and interviewer, and reading her work has slowly changed how I think about food and weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fat and have been my whole life and don’t want my daughter to experience this. So I just want to come right out and tell her - whatever you do, do
Not get fat. Cause the world is rough on fat people.

I know we are supposed to emphasize health and movement and body positivity but I can’t help but feel
I am not telling her the whole truth.

She is 14. And not fat at all - yet.

Yes! Tell her now. Precisely because she is not. Are your relatives genetically heavy set? Or is it a diet/work out thing? Talk about it now, when it’s not a personal issue for her. You’re a good mom!

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t you tell her?

My mom told me the opposite. She was always upset that I stayed normal weight. She constantly commented on me in a bathing suit. She made fun of me exercising . I could tell she was closer to my obese sister and they shared camaraderie over it. She loved it when I was pregnant and made so much fun of me when I was postpartum saying things like- why aren’t you wearing shorts? Where’s your bikini now? All of that is painful. I let it roll of my back because I love my mom. She has a lot of trauma over her obesity and I won’t let it affect me. I refuse to let it pass on to my kids. There is nothing wrong with cooking healthfully for your family, explaining how you get fat (my kids have asked me as 2 year olds), explaining how some foods are healthy and others just occasional treats.

[Anonymous]

I’m ‘fat’ at a size 14 on my 5’3” frame and it never occurred to me to tell my DC that living as a fat woman is hard. In fact it isn’t. I’m active in my community and highly regarded, I have a good career and I do exercise and stay active. I can count on one hand the times that people have been rude to me about my weight, and that’s really more about them than it is about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't think she knows? You think nobody's ever made fun of her for having a fat mom, or the clothes you wear or how they fit you? You think she's never seen you hesitate before you sit down in a delicate-looking chair? You think she's never noticed you heave your body up from a sitting position?

This is all obvious. She doesn't need to be told.

I’d rather have a fat mom than you for a mom. In fact, I’d rather BE the fat mom than be someone close to you. Wow.

+1 What a cruel poster.

I've been fluctuating between thin and fat the past few years and I haven't met anyone in real life who was as nasty and vile like that poster. No one has made fun of my kids for my weight.