What is it about in laws that exhausts me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's that you haven't learned how to disengage from them so they're always on your radar and their presence 'pings' you. If that's the case, they you need to learn how to mute the pinging. It may require some planning on your part by you CAN plan for them to be off your radar if they're open to helping/pitching in. I used to plan my meals out ahead of time, buy all the stuff that's needed and ask my mother/ILs to help me with meal prep. I used to have a list of chores that needed to me done so that if they had the time, they could do it - things like go thru the kids' closet and pull out any clothes that are too small/out of season, re-pot some plants, etc.

I also made sure I had some meetings to attend to or late night work. My parents/ILs liked to help, liked having a list of things they could chose from (or not) and were happy to take over getting the kids ready. I still preferred to being alone but also appreciated they wanted to help and to spend time with the kids.

I think this PP make sense with the concept of your radar pinging. OP needs to either (a) learn to disengage or (b) don't have the in-laws come in. Unless you and DH are splitting the drop offs in the morning or your kids are involved in activities at the same time, it really isn't that much harder if one spouse travels at this age. I also work FT and have 3 DCs, but was always primarily responsible for childcare drop offs since it's closest to my office. If DH was gone, it didn't change that much of the routine. In some ways, it's also easier because you get to make all the decisions and don't have to take into account another adult's preferences. You should try it without the in-laws, or at least part of the week without the in-laws, and see which way makes you feel less tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty surprised your inlaws help. My DH travels 3 weeks a month (M-F) and my inlaws expect us to go visit when he's home. It annoys me to no end because not only do they not help, but they demand the little free time he has.

But I agree that people visiting is stressful. You just can't be yourself around strangers.

OP here - I'm very much an introvert, so I definitely struggle with needing time to do things that keep me sane - namely alone time and exercise, when they visit.

Instead of being "on," give yourself full permission to be "off."

When my ILs visit, I say goodnight when the kids do, after bath and right before bedtime. Then I hide up in my room with pre-stocked snacks and Netflix.

On the weekends, I throw myself into folding laundry, yard work, errands, shopping, or anything that will either get me alone time or get me out of the house. If they say something, I smile and play my trump card: "You've been mentioning how much you want to see the kids, so I'm going to give you the kids and get some chores done!"

Now, I still make nice dinners for them, set up coffee for them, and go out if we all do something together like go to a museum. So it's not like I 100% ignore them. But I don't stay up late and "chat" with them; that's my husband's job, if he chooses to do it. I don't linger after breakfast when they want 3 more cups of coffee and to watch morning news shows--I'm off on a run, and then I've got that laundry to fold!

My feeling is, if they want to visit, let them visit. But that doesn't have to change my life that much. If anything, it gives me an excuse to tackle some of the bigger chores like changing out seasonal kid clothes, or reorganizing the pantry.

[Anonymous]

How old are your children? I have 3 and 6 year olds and work full time in an office and somehow manage just fine when my husband travels for work one week a month. You need do a better job of scheduling, it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

We are naturally use to our parent’s habits and their ways to live, we are not used to in-laws. We are usually more empathetic towards our own and for good reason but spouses feel the same about people who raised them.

Often their are fears and confusion and misconceptions in IL relationships which magnify little issues to look bigger. Sometimes they knowingly or unknowingly give us reasons to not trust their intentions.

Finances, life stresses and time constraints also can effect these relationships. We feel overwhelmed and doesn’t want to carry more burden.

Another issue is meeting them when we are all adults with set habits and different life experiences and can’t adjust to each other like babies and birth parents can.

Just do the best you can sincerely do and avoid guilt or resentment. We are all flawed and stressed humans trying to deal with life nature throws at us.

[Anonymous]

IMHO comparisons of relations also creates many problems, no matter if it’s with your birth parents or other ILs.

Same goes for ILs comparing their DILs to their daughters or other DILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty surprised your inlaws help. My DH travels 3 weeks a month (M-F) and my inlaws expect us to go visit when he's home. It annoys me to no end because not only do they not help, but they demand the little free time he has.

But I agree that people visiting is stressful. You just can't be yourself around strangers.

Good lord, why even be married? This is the kind of situation you see in tabloids, where the wife is tearfully announcing that she had no idea her husband had a second family.

[Anonymous]

They are annoying.

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I do understand.
We lived out of the area when our first was born and visits to ILs included overnight stays on our part or theirs.

We decided to move back to the DMV (for a variety of reasons) and specifically chose to live close enough to ILs so that we could visit for the day and return home (and vice-versa) but far enough away so that they could not drop by all the time. This was a joint decision, as my spouse loves their parents but does not want to be continuously enforcing boundaries.

I'll say that I would also have a hard time tolerating my ILs visiting for extended stays frequently. Hope you find a solution that works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

So in sum, both your kids are cared for by others during the bulk of their waking hours, your - by your own admission - perfectly nice and helpful inlaws offer to come stay and help you even further, but you don't like that yet are too cheap to pay for any help? Sorry it's hard to find sympathy in this case.

Oh piss off. OP has feelings that are valid. Just b/c you may have it differently doesn't mean her feelings don't matter.

And "too cheap"? You really are a peach. Maybe work on yourself before coming here to criticize someone else. Plenty to start with in that department.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am NOT judging your need for help at all, BUT, for YOUR sake, I think you should try it without your in-laws. It will be harder in some ways, doing it all yourself, but it will be much easier in some ways, too. Ask DH to help you prep some things ahead. Get all laundry done before he goes, prep some meals. Heck, just feed the kids chicken nuggets and you eat whatever the heck you want. Cheese and crackers with a glass of wine or whatever. You can make this easier on yourself. You might find that you don’t need their help as much as you think. My DH does T travel much but when he has, when the kids were young, I am sure my in-laws would have loved the opportunity to come help but no way did I want to be hostile g while DH was out of town, even if they would have helped a ton with the kids.

[Anonymous]

This is normal, op.
If your parents were alive, you’d have the same issues, they eat differently, they expect different things, their routine is different.
My parents don’t drink coffee, we do. They have the tv on at high volume all the time, we don’t, and we like some of the same things, nascar, baseball and I’ve even got my dad to care a little bit about hockey. Still, that tv always on, always at high volume drives me nuts. Likewise, they aren’t fans of my background noise, old-time radio shows or music from the 1940’s. Yes, you read that right.

There are certain foods we eat that they absolutely won’t eat, and I won’t even try, it’s not my job to coax them like toddlers.

They understand the value of being in shape, yet I’ve only heard them make disparaging comments about people who have home excersize equipment, I am convinced it’s generational. I love my treadmill, it’s comfortable, it’s there, and I can go do it whenever I want. I also feel safer as a woman using it, I’m literally in my own home. They simply don’t understand that. If they knew about my treadmill, and I don’t think they do, they’d view it as wasting time. They also don’t understand my weighted blanket.

They also seem to have a mental block in some things, I can remember my dad saying about one of our kids “Why the f**ck does she need to be in a booster seat, you weren’t in one at that age” and he’s right, I wasn’t, nobody cared back in the early 1980’s. I’m only speaking of my parents because to me this isn’t an in-law issue, and I love my parents. My husband and I saw a play a couple weeks back and one of the songs they played happened to be on a cd my mom gave me back when I was a teenager, a song I hadn’t heard in years. While we watched the play, I found myself thinking “mom would love this, all of it” and I think she would have. She and my oldest daughter share an interest I didn’t even know my mom had until recently. They are wonderful people and wonderful grandparents, but yes, a week with them would wear me out.

All of this, no matter how nice they are (and I am only speaking of my own parents) adds up, especially when you don’t have a husband around. Your in-laws have each other to snuggle with, smile at, go out with, you don’t, not when he’s on travel.

You are also probably wanting to do the good wife routine of welcoming him home too because he’s been away working and you’ve been home and home with help too, so how hard can it be?


I’d urge him not to travel so much. He was already gone, he doesn’t need to go again, not so soon. I’d go so far as to say “If they want you someplace, they can pay to relocate us” something I told my husband once when he outlined a bunch of travel.


I’d also decide if you want the in-laws there when he’s not, they can find other things to do. Dial back on the “they live” talk, no, they don’t, trust me.

I’d let your husband know this travel stuff is wearing you out, physically and mentally. Let him know he can say no to the travel even if it means taking another job. When you start getting angry, it’s time to figure out something else, a new job, or a new process, or a relocation, yes, anything is an option.

Figure out if there are things you can do while he’s gone and when he comes back that make life more pleasant, he can be tired, but can you guys do take-out for a couple nights or plan to do something fun with the kids? He can’t minimize your comfort at the profit of his.

[Anonymous]

Hire a babysitter, a mother's helper, or just a cleaner. I'd do everything before relying on ILs if they're very different from me.

[Anonymous]

I am an only with a deceased father and estranged mother. My ILs are physically and financially unable to help. Family can be exhausting. You need to pick your battles. Either accept the gracious help as-is. Or hire a sitter or nanny. My DH travels often for work and it's exhausting to juggle it (without help). My guess is that it's exhausting no matter whether you have help or not. There's no substitute for your partner.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you either need to find a way for your ILs to come and not have it be so exhausting or find a way to manage on your own when your DH travels.

Ideas for when ILs come: quit treating them like guests, retreat to your room for downtime.

How to make it work on your own: realize it’s just a week and manage your work calendar so you can pick up the kids and catch up on work after they go to bed or hire a college student to help for just a few hours.

Think about what would feel better to you, experiment and make a change that works for you (and not what looks best “on paper”).

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I’d ask them not to come. Or only have them come for 2-3 days, vice an entire week.

Then, the weeks your DH travels, make sure you plan a night or 2 that you go straight from work to the gym. While your in-laws do pickup and dinner. You can get home in time for bedtime. Then, after the kids are in bed, go to bed yourself.

Basically stop being “on” at home so much. Give them space to do the caretaking, and then have them LEAVE. Then you do 2-3 days solo. Maybe schedule 4 hours off work to recharge after they leave.

But I’ll agree w some PPs, now that my kids are 5 and 7 it’s easy when my DH isn’t around. Mainly bc I lower my own standards. Noodles every night! Pancakes! Skip the bath! We both WFH right now and he’s taking a trip this month and I’m actually excited to be ALONE while I do my work each day. Hasn’t been that way since March 2020!

So either carve out more time, use the in laws more fully, or have them come for less time. Or some combo of all of it.