What is it about in laws that exhausts me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should try it without their help. I have a 6 month old, 3 and a 5 year old. 2 different schools and I work full time in a senior level. It’s not as hard as you think. I actually find it’s easy when Dh is gone. I gird myself and am super organized. Simple dinners that are healthy. I start work early and get it all done. I keep the kids in line- play, dinner, baths, bed and I don’t let anyone stray. Dh was gone for 3 weeks in December and I did take off 2 days a week but that was also because I had tons and tons of Christmas stuff to get through. Decorating, wrapping etc. I also need to so absolutely all chores before the weekend so I can be fully there with the kids all weekend. Weekends are hell sometimes but my kids don’t think so at least. I have no help other than daycare. Anyways, I just think adding in-laws to the plate would be way way more than I could take.

I agree with this too. I don't think what you describe is that busy and requires that much assistance. I actually would like it if my spouse traveled. Lessess to clean up, no worries about dinner (kids will eat anything).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

So in sum, both your kids are cared for by others during the bulk of their waking hours, your - by your own admission - perfectly nice and helpful inlaws offer to come stay and help you even further, but you don't like that yet are too cheap to pay for any help? Sorry it's hard to find sympathy in this case.

This is life. Its not possible to have your cake and eat it too. You have to do something to change it. You can cut down your hours, hire help, be gracious about free help.

[Anonymous]

You don’t want your in-laws to come, you don’t want to spend on hired help, you want full time job, you don’t want to be tired. What’s a rational solution in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kind of petty, it seems, to suggest that they live for these and other family visits. Maybe at least one of them finds visiting for so long to be unbearable, but does it because you need the free help.

AMEN. Good grief OP, you are so ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Think about the kids? What works better for them? Its inhumane to keep them in daycare for longer hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally normal to be exhausted.
You’re doing better than I would. There is no way I would host my husbands parents without him here for a week. I personally prefer to do it alone when my husband is gone (including six months deployments). More people just disrupt the schedule.

She is not hosting her in-laws. They are there because she can’t handle her kids by herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty surprised your inlaws help. My DH travels 3 weeks a month (M-F) and my inlaws expect us to go visit when he's home. It annoys me to no end because not only do they not help, but they demand the little free time he has.

But I agree that people visiting is stressful. You just can't be yourself around strangers.

OP here - I'm very much an introvert, so I definitely struggle with needing time to do things that keep me sane - namely alone time and exercise, when they visit.

Instead of being "on," give yourself full permission to be "off."

When my ILs visit, I say goodnight when the kids do, after bath and right before bedtime. Then I hide up in my room with pre-stocked snacks and Netflix.

On the weekends, I throw myself into folding laundry, yard work, errands, shopping, or anything that will either get me alone time or get me out of the house. If they say something, I smile and play my trump card: "You've been mentioning how much you want to see the kids, so I'm going to give you the kids and get some chores done!"

Now, I still make nice dinners for them, set up coffee for them, and go out if we all do something together like go to a museum. So it's not like I 100% ignore them. But I don't stay up late and "chat" with them; that's my husband's job, if he chooses to do it. I don't linger after breakfast when they want 3 more cups of coffee and to watch morning news shows--I'm off on a run, and then I've got that laundry to fold!

My feeling is, if they want to visit, let them visit. But that doesn't have to change my life that much. If anything, it gives me an excuse to tackle some of the bigger chores like changing out seasonal kid clothes, or reorganizing the pantry.

This advice is perfect!

[Anonymous]

OP here:

1) The reason I've needed their help is because I sometimes need to work very early before starts (i.e. work may start at 6am or 7am). My DH usually works from home several days a week and is otherwise flexible to my job requirements when he's home, but it makes it difficult when he's traveling for an entire week which sometimes can happen unexpectedly (and no, he does not have an option to not travel, it's literally his job/career to visit sites sometimes). Money for outside help is tight until we are done paying for daycare, a car, and a student loan (all will be done in a year, very exciting!)

2) I am NOT asking for anyone else to solve this as a "problem," that was not the intent of my post. I was just looking for others who have felt similarly as a little empathy helps when you feel like you're wiped out as I was at the time. I am very grateful to have in laws who I get along with and have fun with and have a relationship with that seems quite different than many others on DCUM - especially not having living parents. However, yes, I am also mentally and physically exhausted by the time they leave. I might feel similarly if my own family visited for a week at a time too, but I don't have living parents to compare to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

1) The reason I've needed their help is because I sometimes need to work very early before starts (i.e. work may start at 6am or 7am). My DH usually works from home several days a week and is otherwise flexible to my job requirements when he's home, but it makes it difficult when he's traveling for an entire week which sometimes can happen unexpectedly (and no, he does not have an option to not travel, it's literally his job/career to visit sites sometimes). Money for outside help is tight until we are done paying for daycare, a car, and a student loan (all will be done in a year, very exciting!)

2) I am NOT asking for anyone else to solve this as a "problem," that was not the intent of my post. I was just looking for others who have felt similarly as a little empathy helps when you feel like you're wiped out as I was at the time. I am very grateful to have in laws who I get along with and have fun with and have a relationship with that seems quite different than many others on DCUM - especially not having living parents. However, yes, I am also mentally and physically exhausted by the time they leave. I might feel similarly if my own family visited for a week at a time too, but I don't have living parents to compare to.

Its normal for any introvert to feel exhausted by guests, even if they are their own loved ones. However, in this situation, just be grateful they don’t mind helping you, this must be an inconvenience for them as well, no matter how much they love their kid or yours.

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand. My parents have been gone a long time (well before kids) and I don't really know what it is like to have an adult relationship with them. It often feels weird to have IL relationships without having your own adult/parent relationship. My MIL has now been in my life for almost longer than both of my parents but definitely longer than my father.

I am sure this has less to do with your actual ILs and more to do with just being out of your routine and that there are extra adults in your house. My MIL comes and stays with us for long stretches at a time and we definitely need space from each other but my husband is also there as a buffer. I do think it would be more difficult if I was by myself with her. I like her and we have a good relationship but it is easier with him around to take her to do stuff or just have down time.

My hunch is that it would be the same even if it were your own parents but I actually don't know

Maybe just focus on the fact that it is an "out of your routine" situation rather than your ILs that make you feel exhausted.....

[Anonymous]

Biology must be such a huge force that some true introverts cannot override it. It must be very difficult to get married and have children and then not want to venture out of the bubble you have surrounded yourself in. Children will have needs outside the immediate family their entire lives, with schools, activities, friends and of course family interactions.

[Anonymous]

I think this isn't an IL problem. This would be the case no matter who was in your home for a week. There is no downtime. It is exhausting. And I'm sure your MIL goes home equally if not more exhausted than you. She is doing it to have a relationship with you.

Maybe if you both figure out ways to have downtime in the same house while she's there??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

Exactly! People who use their in-laws as babysitters are so lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

Exactly! People who use their in-laws as babysitters are so lame.

FFS:

-Some grandparents LIKE to be the babysitter! Mine do! Like literally beg to watch my kids, beg us to take them for the entire summer vacation, repeatedly ask when they can watch them, have them visit, and on and on.
-Your assumption about the financial picture of some families is quite snobby and elitist and out of touch. I'm embarrassed for you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get the introvert exhaustion. Even with people you love, who are kind, considerate and helpful. It’s hard to have them in your space. I would invent a “work dinner” one night while they are there. You can order in food for them and the kids but instead of rushing home, pickup food and eat in your car, alone while you watch a show on your phone. Also if they are there on a weekend, buy tickets to take the kids somewhere easy like an indoor play gym and have grandparents go with them for a few hours to watch then run and play. Perfect way for you to get a break.