What is it about in laws that exhausts me?

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty surprised your inlaws help. My DH travels 3 weeks a month (M-F) and my inlaws expect us to go visit when he's home. It annoys me to no end because not only do they not help, but they demand the little free time he has.

But I agree that people visiting is stressful. You just can't be yourself around strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm pretty surprised your inlaws help. My DH travels 3 weeks a month (M-F) and my inlaws expect us to go visit when he's home. It annoys me to no end because not only do they not help, but they demand the little free time he has.

But I agree that people visiting is stressful. You just can't be yourself around strangers.

OP here - I'm very much an introvert, so I definitely struggle with needing time to do things that keep me sane - namely alone time and exercise, when they visit.

[Anonymous]

I think it's that you haven't learned how to disengage from them so they're always on your radar and their presence 'pings' you. If that's the case, they you need to learn how to mute the pinging. It may require some planning on your part by you CAN plan for them to be off your radar if they're open to helping/pitching in. I used to plan my meals out ahead of time, buy all the stuff that's needed and ask my mother/ILs to help me with meal prep. I used to have a list of chores that needed to me done so that if they had the time, they could do it - things like go thru the kids' closet and pull out any clothes that are too small/out of season, re-pot some plants, etc.

I also made sure I had some meetings to attend to or late night work. My parents/ILs liked to help, liked having a list of things they could chose from (or not) and were happy to take over getting the kids ready. I still preferred to being alone but also appreciated they wanted to help and to spend time with the kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you were growing up, did your widowed mom work full time? Do you have other siblings, and did she have a nanny or a relative living in the house with you? Not trashing you, and I'm hearing that you're an introvert who also seems to require help, which can be a tough thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you were growing up, did your widowed mom work full time? Do you have other siblings, and did she have a nanny or a relative living in the house with you? Not trashing you, and I'm hearing that you're an introvert who also seems to require help, which can be a tough thing.

She didn't work other than sometimes taking care of kids in our house and delivering newspapers. She was always home. She was a depression era mom who pinched pennies like crazy and kinda hoarded. She passed away before I got married. My older siblings ranged from 6 years to 25 years older than me so she had help from them if needed. Two of my older siblings are now in their late 60s, one in his late 40s moved far away, and my sister I was closest to passed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you were growing up, did your widowed mom work full time? Do you have other siblings, and did she have a nanny or a relative living in the house with you? Not trashing you, and I'm hearing that you're an introvert who also seems to require help, which can be a tough thing.

She didn't work other than sometimes taking care of kids in our house and delivering newspapers. She was always home. She was a depression era mom who pinched pennies like crazy and kinda hoarded. She passed away before I got married. My older siblings ranged from 6 years to 25 years older than me so she had help from them if needed. Two of my older siblings are now in their late 60s, one in his late 40s moved far away, and my sister I was closest to passed away.

Adding to note, I am adopted and my introversion is definitely a trait that runs in my biological family (I have met biological siblings who are similar in that respect)

[Anonymous]

I’m loving that this thread is right next to the In-laws rant thread where the OP was barking about her in-laws coming over for a few hours and having to get taken out.

“Lazy lady annoyed by pushy in-laws is tonight’s movie” could be changed to “Wanting Free Childcare lady annoyed by generous and willing grandparents is tonight’s movie”.

[Anonymous]

I am confused - how old are your kids? My DH travels and when he is home usually works 60-80 hours a week. We have 3 kids who are 2, 5 and 7. I just do everything when he is gone. They are in daycare or school most of the time. It does help that my work is super flexible. I would be much more stressed to have my parents or in laws at the house than just doing everything myself. You would be expected to cook and talk in the evenings and clean up stuff. No thanks!

[Anonymous]

I think you should try it without their help. I have a 6 month old, 3 and a 5 year old. 2 different schools and I work full time in a senior level. It’s not as hard as you think. I actually find it’s easy when Dh is gone. I gird myself and am super organized. Simple dinners that are healthy. I start work early and get it all done. I keep the kids in line- play, dinner, baths, bed and I don’t let anyone stray. Dh was gone for 3 weeks in December and I did take off 2 days a week but that was also because I had tons and tons of Christmas stuff to get through. Decorating, wrapping etc. I also need to so absolutely all chores before the weekend so I can be fully there with the kids all weekend. Weekends are hell sometimes but my kids don’t think so at least. I have no help other than daycare. Anyways, I just think adding in-laws to the plate would be way way more than I could take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are nice people, they are involved with their grandkids, will drop anything for us at a moment's notice, etc.

They don't live nearby, so when they come to visit, it's either for a weekend or sometimes for a week. They are retired, so basically just live to visit us or their other son and grandkids. They visit to help out quite a lot with the kids, during school breaks, when my DH has to travel, etc.

Both my parents died (my dad when I was 4, my mom 14 years ago) and my few siblings live far away and are busy with their own families, so my in laws are much more involved in our lives than my side of the family.

Yet, by the time they are done staying for a week, I feel mentally and physically exhausted and wiped and extremely irritable. This just happened, DH had to travel for a week of work during winter school break, there's no denying that we needed the help. However, a whole week of accommodating different eating preferences, habits, slight differences in how they handle the kids, less ability to exercise when they visit, etc.

DH came home exhausted as his work trip involved working crazy hours, so was joking with me when I said I was exhausted. But I am! They left Sunday and I still feel out of sorts! I thought it was Friday last night and deliberately turned off my alarm for the morning, I am so out of it (luckily woke up in time though!)

You are used to living by yourself, even if you love them, it’s still not your normal routine and privacy level is different. I’m sure they also have to adjust but glad y’all can make the effort to make it work.

[Anonymous]

You are used to living by yourself, even if you love them, it’s still not your normal routine and privacy level is different. I’m sure they also have to adjust but glad y’all can make the effort to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

Get an au pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

Get an au pair.

Wouldn’t that be stressful having another person around all the time if OP is an introvert?

[Anonymous]

Totally normal to be exhausted.
You’re doing better than I would. There is no way I would host my husbands parents without him here for a week. I personally prefer to do it alone when my husband is gone (including six months deployments). More people just disrupt the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

Get an au pair.

Wouldn’t that be stressful having another person around all the time if OP is an introvert?

I'm an introvert and we have an au pair. Have been hosting for a few years. You can screen for independent au pairs who do not rely on you for their main social interaction. Our last one was such and we never saw her outside her working hours. Current one loves to hang out with us, but is also super helpful beyond her normal duties, so it's all good.

Cost wise it's similar to sending a kid to daycare. Given OP's family situation (DH's frequent work travel), this might be a solution, though it require some planning and preparation.