What is it about in laws that exhausts me?

[Anonymous]

My in laws are nice people, they are involved with their grandkids, will drop anything for us at a moment's notice, etc.

They don't live nearby, so when they come to visit, it's either for a weekend or sometimes for a week. They are retired, so basically just live to visit us or their other son and grandkids. They visit to help out quite a lot with the kids, during school breaks, when my DH has to travel, etc.

Both my parents died (my dad when I was 4, my mom 14 years ago) and my few siblings live far away and are busy with their own families, so my in laws are much more involved in our lives than my side of the family.

Yet, by the time they are done staying for a week, I feel mentally and physically exhausted and wiped and extremely irritable. This just happened, DH had to travel for a week of work during winter school break, there's no denying that we needed the help. However, a whole week of accommodating different eating preferences, habits, slight differences in how they handle the kids, less ability to exercise when they visit, etc.

DH came home exhausted as his work trip involved working crazy hours, so was joking with me when I said I was exhausted. But I am! They left Sunday and I still feel out of sorts! I thought it was Friday last night and deliberately turned off my alarm for the morning, I am so out of it (luckily woke up in time though!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are nice people, they are involved with their grandkids, will drop anything for us at a moment's notice, etc.

They don't live nearby, so when they come to visit, it's either for a weekend or sometimes for a week. They are retired, so basically just live to visit us or their other son and grandkids. They visit to help out quite a lot with the kids, during school breaks, when my DH has to travel, etc.

Both my parents died (my dad when I was 4, my mom 14 years ago) and my few siblings live far away and are busy with their own families, so my in laws are much more involved in our lives than my side of the family.

Yet, by the time they are done staying for a week, I feel mentally and physically exhausted and wiped and extremely irritable. This just happened, DH had to travel for a week of work during winter school break, there's no denying that we needed the help. However, a whole week of accommodating different eating preferences, habits, slight differences in how they handle the kids, less ability to exercise when they visit, etc.

DH came home exhausted as his work trip involved working crazy hours, so was joking with me when I said I was exhausted. But I am! They left Sunday and I still feel out of sorts! I thought it was Friday last night and deliberately turned off my alarm for the morning, I am so out of it (luckily woke up in time though!)

Updating to add, I just found out that DH now needs to be gone for a whole week at the end of March due to an unexpected work travel obligation on the west coast that just came up, and I'm both exhausted and angry as I'll be doing this again in a few weeks. DH feels bad and is being lovely and pushing me to schedule time to get away with my own friends who I haven't seen for the entire pandemic and time to visit my siblings.

[Anonymous]

That's just family. I feel this way about my ILs and my own family. It's not personal to anyone. It's that it's hard emotional work to do what you are describing -- host many adults in your home and accommodate their needs and maintain relationships, etc.

Just plan to do some stuff to recharge afterwards and you'll get back to yourself. And when you can, schedule their visits at times where you know you'll have energy to spare (I know this visit was scheduled around your DH's work travel so it might have been harder to mentally prepare for it).

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I have a similar experience. Except it's my family! They all live overseas. When my retired parents visit, it needs to be at least 6 weeks because "what's the point travelling all the way otherwise?" When my siblings visit, it's still two weeks minimum.
By contrast, spouse's parents are local. One of them has tough dietary preferences, but it's easier to accommodate when it's dinner 1x/ month than several weeks straight of meal planning etc. Spouse's siblings are within a 3 hour drive - we do weekend visits a few times a year and it's easy as well.

I've realized that it's possible to love my family, but also normal to wish their visits were shorter. They take too much out of me!

[Anonymous]

Unless there was no other plausible solution there is simply no way I would host my ILs for a week without my spouse present. We would never recover from it.

[Anonymous]

Please clarify. Do you need your in laws help when your DH is away? My DH traveled weekly when my kids were young and often the week went pretty smoothly without him. Mainly, it was less cooking and cleanup.

[Anonymous]

You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please clarify. Do you need your in laws help when your DH is away? My DH traveled weekly when my kids were young and often the week went pretty smoothly without him. Mainly, it was less cooking and cleanup.

Yes, I need help. I also work full time and have two kids, one in daycare, one in elementary school in different locations. I can manage for a couple of days on my own, but it makes my own work schedule difficult with pickup and dropoff for both of them and managing morning/evening prep. Though it exhausts me to have my in laws (usually just my MIL for the whole week, but FIL may visit a part of the time as well), for a full week, it is more exhausting to do it on my own and can also be impossible if I have any early or late work obligations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please clarify. Do you need your in laws help when your DH is away? My DH traveled weekly when my kids were young and often the week went pretty smoothly without him. Mainly, it was less cooking and cleanup.

I feel this way too. Some aspects of solo parenting are easier. The days are longer for me because I'm "on" from 6am until 8pm. But I generally just get very organized and fall into a schedule and it's kind of nice not to have to juggle workload with DH. When you know you are going to have to do everything yourself (meals, pickup/dropoff, playdates, telling the teacher about an issue, contacting the pediatrician about something else, etc.) you can prioritize and do it however you want. You don't have to check in with anyone. I also find that there are lower expectations from everyone when I'm on my own and that makes it easier. Dinner can be super basic or from the freezer. The house just has to be functional, not perfectly tidy. And I have no obligations to DH -- no date nights, no needing to be a sounding board for work stuff, etc.

I wouldn't want to do it forever but I find it weirdly easier. Don't tell my DH though! He's always really apologetic when he gets back and tells me to take some time to myself while he handles the house and kids. And I don't intend to stop taking him up on that.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. I just don’t mesh with my in laws. They grate on me, through no real fault of their own (there is some history , but, in terms of their current interactions with us and our kids, they are nothing but helpful and polite, if I’m being objective). But the combination of always having to be “on”, never having any down time in my own house (we have a family room and a living room and after the kids go to bed, one takes the living room with her iPad and one takes the family room with his iPad, and the only place I can go to be alone is my bedroom, at 730pm), and just the changes in routine and changes in how my kids act being overexcited etc, after 2 days I’m just completely done. Mg husband says things like “but they do all the laundry!” And “we can get out for a dinner alone!” And he is right, But, the downsides are so great for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

So in sum, both your kids are cared for by others during the bulk of their waking hours, your - by your own admission - perfectly nice and helpful inlaws offer to come stay and help you even further, but you don't like that yet are too cheap to pay for any help? Sorry it's hard to find sympathy in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

So in sum, both your kids are cared for by others during the bulk of their waking hours, your - by your own admission - perfectly nice and helpful inlaws offer to come stay and help you even further, but you don't like that yet are too cheap to pay for any help? Sorry it's hard to find sympathy in this case.

I'm not saying I don't like that they help that, we get along, I very much appreciate their help, I also feel exhausted, that's it. I'm not actually asking anyone to solve my issues, but empathy and hearing from others who also struggle in similar ways is nice.

[Anonymous]

Kind of petty, it seems, to suggest that they live for these and other family visits. Maybe at least one of them finds visiting for so long to be unbearable, but does it because you need the free help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always hire someone to help you instead of relying on your inlaws if you find them that taxing.

I'm not DCUM rich, especially while we still have one child in daycare and the other in aftercare.

So in sum, both your kids are cared for by others during the bulk of their waking hours, your - by your own admission - perfectly nice and helpful inlaws offer to come stay and help you even further, but you don't like that yet are too cheap to pay for any help? Sorry it's hard to find sympathy in this case.

"too cheap"?? Daycare stretches a lot of middle class families, so it's understandable to depend on the in laws for help during those years even if it is costly emotionally speaking.