My MIL died suddenly and my mom didn’t even send a card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely overreacting.

I say that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. If my MIL died tomorrow the last person I'd expect anything from is my own mother. And that would be fine.

Can you please help me understand why you are fine with it? My mom is also narcissistic. Do you love her or have you just given up on getting any sort of love from her?

Me personally, the latter. I have virtually no relationship with her. Occasionally I'll still mourn the absence of a mother figure in my life and the loss of that relationship for my children. We see her a few times a year, briefly, for big holidays/birthdays. She buys a few gifts for my children and I express gratitude for that. She doesn't try to have a relationship with me or my family which also means she isn't here spreading her negativity or inserting herself so I'm grateful for that too. She's a good MIL in the sense that she offers very little and expects the same in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

Did she not like your MIL?

They were competitive over the grandkids. ILs lived closer so we’d see them probably a time or so more per year. My mom is a very unlikeable person. She doesn’t have any friends besides her siblings. My therapist told me that in some families the siblings are more important to a person than their own spouse or children. This is how my mom is. It just hurts but I suppose to need to accept it and her limitations. Be cordial but not really have a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely overreacting.

I say that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. If my MIL died tomorrow the last person I'd expect anything from is my own mother. And that would be fine.

Can you please help me understand why you are fine with it? My mom is also narcissistic. Do you love her or have you just given up on getting any sort of love from her?

Me personally, the latter. I have virtually no relationship with her. Occasionally I'll still mourn the absence of a mother figure in my life and the loss of that relationship for my children. We see her a few times a year, briefly, for big holidays/birthdays. She buys a few gifts for my children and I express gratitude for that. She doesn't try to have a relationship with me or my family which also means she isn't here spreading her negativity or inserting herself so I'm grateful for that too. She's a good MIL in the sense that she offers very little and expects the same in return.

This is where I’ve gotten to slowly over the past few years. I used to speak to her daily, but as I’ve found it to cause me angst, I’ve stopped calling as much. Once a week to be a dutiful daughter. She has called 2x since pandemic started. When I speak to her it’s usually to chastise my family’s choices about covid. She moved out of this area a few years ago and she really got brainwashed by her church and Fox News. Trump’s presidency and covid were the reasons I stopped calling. I asked her not to talk about these subjects, but she’s unable. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be so angry at her, so I basically stopped engaging. Thank you for sharing. Helps me feel a bit less alone. I cannot imagine treating my kids like she does me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

? troll? Have you never been in the greeting card section of a store, where there's a section for bereavement?

I don't buy cards for people's losses. That's totally inappropriate IMO for the pain that someone has. When someone is close geographically I call, visit, take them to dinner. For a close friend who died in a car accident I send an edible arrangement every year on her birthday to her family. I would NEVER send a card. So impersonal.

I agree with you, but as someone who has lost two very close family members, I love going back and rereading the cars where people write personal notes and share memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and your DH's loss of his mother.

I get that you're emotional here, and you have a right to be. But can you take a step back from the emotion and consider a couple of things? Not things to excuse your mother, because you can't control her, but you CAN control your own actions and reactions.

"No offer to attend funeral or watch kids" Did you ask her to do this? Or were you waiting for her to offer? Yes, it's always preferable and emotionally much more supportive if someone is thoughtful and offers; that's what we all want. But if you actually did need and want help, you know from past experience that she wont' offer, right? So you would have to ask. Very specifically.

"She just told me about trips she's planning" What do you do to nip that kind of talk in the bud right now? "Mom, while I know you're pleased about your trips, hearing about that right now is painful, since we're focused on the arrangements for MIL's funeral. You know her death was sudden so DH and I are stunned. I don't have the bandwidth to talk about next year." (And then: "If you want to help us, you can babysit the kids during the funeral on Feb. X. Be here at Y'o'clock. Can you do that? I need a firm yes or no."

"I'm feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him" But is HE especially sad about your mom not being in touch enough, or is this about your own sadness that your mom is thoughtless and doens't take initiative? As for standing up for him, of course you want to see her treat him as you want to see him treated. But she cannot conceive of that. The saying here is "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." You already have issues with her, so why expect she would behave differently and better in the event of a death?

Can you take the energy you're expending on hating her (again, with reason) and channel it instead into your supporting DH, any siblings he has etc.? I would at this point just ask your mother point blank for any concrete help you need; stop engaging her on anything else, like her vacation talk; and refocus your energy away from her. I realize that's easy to say and hard to do, though. Unpacking this with your therapist would be a big help.

[Anonymous]

You really need to find a way to accept that your mother just isn’t who you want her to be. And then navigate what that relationship looks like understanding that you will never get what you want from her.

If you have been married 20 years, you are likely in your 40s. You need to accept that this is who she is.

My dad is a narcissistic person. I accepted it in my 20s and navigate our relationship accordingly. My sister didn’t accept this until her 40s and her journey was so much harder because she spent years and years being disappointed when he didn’t live up to her expectations. I never get upset about my dad because I’ve accepted that he just isn’t going to be any better. And I limit my contact accordingly to something that minimizes my stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and your DH's loss of his mother.

I get that you're emotional here, and you have a right to be. But can you take a step back from the emotion and consider a couple of things? Not things to excuse your mother, because you can't control her, but you CAN control your own actions and reactions.

"No offer to attend funeral or watch kids" Did you ask her to do this? Or were you waiting for her to offer? Yes, it's always preferable and emotionally much more supportive if someone is thoughtful and offers; that's what we all want. But if you actually did need and want help, you know from past experience that she wont' offer, right? So you would have to ask. Very specifically.

"She just told me about trips she's planning" What do you do to nip that kind of talk in the bud right now? "Mom, while I know you're pleased about your trips, hearing about that right now is painful, since we're focused on the arrangements for MIL's funeral. You know her death was sudden so DH and I are stunned. I don't have the bandwidth to talk about next year." (And then: "If you want to help us, you can babysit the kids during the funeral on Feb. X. Be here at Y'o'clock. Can you do that? I need a firm yes or no."

"I'm feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him" But is HE especially sad about your mom not being in touch enough, or is this about your own sadness that your mom is thoughtless and doens't take initiative? As for standing up for him, of course you want to see her treat him as you want to see him treated. But she cannot conceive of that. The saying here is "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." You already have issues with her, so why expect she would behave differently and better in the event of a death?

Can you take the energy you're expending on hating her (again, with reason) and channel it instead into your supporting DH, any siblings he has etc.? I would at this point just ask your mother point blank for any concrete help you need; stop engaging her on anything else, like her vacation talk; and refocus your energy away from her. I realize that's easy to say and hard to do, though. Unpacking this with your therapist would be a big help.

Thank you. You are 100% right. Are you a therapist? I need a new one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to find a way to accept that your mother just isn’t who you want her to be. And then navigate what that relationship looks like understanding that you will never get what you want from her.

If you have been married 20 years, you are likely in your 40s. You need to accept that this is who she is.

My dad is a narcissistic person. I accepted it in my 20s and navigate our relationship accordingly. My sister didn’t accept this until her 40s and her journey was so much harder because she spent years and years being disappointed when he didn’t live up to her expectations. I never get upset about my dad because I’ve accepted that he just isn’t going to be any better. And I limit my contact accordingly to something that minimizes my stress.

Funny you say this. My sister as has accepted this many years ago. Maybe because I’m the oldest and left home first and I didn’t have to live alone with my mom for years like my younger sister did? They live near each other and have basically no relationship. I honestly don’t even know if my mom notices either. I really do need to come to terms with this. You are right. She’s not going to change. I need to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

? troll? Have you never been in the greeting card section of a store, where there's a section for bereavement?

I don't buy cards for people's losses. That's totally inappropriate IMO for the pain that someone has. When someone is close geographically I call, visit, take them to dinner. For a close friend who died in a car accident I send an edible arrangement every year on her birthday to her family. I would NEVER send a card. So impersonal.

That's not the point. ^^PP stated "Who sends cards for something like that?" - plenty of people do. That's why there's a whole section in the greeting card industry for bereavement.

You can give a card AND visit AND do a meal train AND call/text.

A good friend of mine who lives far away would both send a card with a personal note, call and text me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

I just sent a card to my SIL because her dad died and I never met him. She and I aren't even close, but I can't imagine how difficult that would be.

I'm sorry OP. I totally get it because my mom is emotionally stunted. Be the woman your mom can't be. (She may even be jealous of how good you are with your family.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

? troll? Have you never been in the greeting card section of a store, where there's a section for bereavement?

I don't buy cards for people's losses. That's totally inappropriate IMO for the pain that someone has. When someone is close geographically I call, visit, take them to dinner. For a close friend who died in a car accident I send an edible arrangement every year on her birthday to her family. I would NEVER send a card. So impersonal.

I cherish all the letters and cards I have. I can't cherish an edible arrangement. So, not everyone feels the same way as you.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband even care? If my MIL didn't send a condolence card, I would not care at all.

If your husband does not care that much about this, consider that you are doing what your mom does and making this about you and your issues, and that maybe your husband doesn't want to turn this into another conversation about your mother.

Finally, you are having what psychologists might call an "outsized reaction" based on a whole bunch of baggage. Get help for that. Seriously. Narcissistic (or just otherwise self involved and selfish) parents are the bread and butter of psychologists, and really can screw with kids well into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

My DH wouldn’t care at all.

OP you are taking out some old grudge about not getting the care you need or your mom being self-centered and projecting it on your DH’s situation. Which ironically is… well, a bit self-centered. You see what I’m saying? Let go of this drama and be there for your DH. He needs you. Not a card from your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband even care? If my MIL didn't send a condolence card, I would not care at all.

If your husband does not care that much about this, consider that you are doing what your mom does and making this about you and your issues, and that maybe your husband doesn't want to turn this into another conversation about your mother.

Finally, you are having what psychologists might call an "outsized reaction" based on a whole bunch of baggage. Get help for that. Seriously. Narcissistic (or just otherwise self involved and selfish) parents are the bread and butter of psychologists, and really can screw with kids well into adulthood.

I don’t know if he cares. She’s routinely late to send him Birthday gifts, and he says he doesn’t care. I have not brought this up to him because I don’t want to make it about me, but I’m embarrassed by my mom’s reaction. It’s very possible that it doesn’t bother him, but it’s a loss for me too and I’d think my mom would at the very very least ask about how I or my husband or kids are doing in the face of one of the biggest losses of our lives. But she hasn’t and won’t. Because she doesn’t care. That’s the bottom line. I need to accept and move on. Thank you dcum for point this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH wouldn’t care at all.

OP you are taking out some old grudge about not getting the care you need or your mom being self-centered and projecting it on your DH’s situation. Which ironically is… well, a bit self-centered. You see what I’m saying? Let go of this drama and be there for your DH. He needs you. Not a card from your mother.

Yes. thank you.