My MIL died suddenly and my mom didn’t even send a card

[Anonymous]

She did send a text when I suggested that maybe DH would appreciate some support. I feel like this is unforgivable. Am I overreacting? I have a lot of other issues with my mom, and her selfishness is high up on that list. Our house is filled with meals and treats and cards from friends and neighbors. The fact that my mom did nothing stands out so much, and I just feel like this is another way of her not showing her love. Not even a call to my kids to saying I’m sorry you lost your beloved grandmother.

[Anonymous]

You have a low bar for unforgivable. Get some support to deal with the root issues you have with your mom, but know that in absolutely no situation should not sending a card be unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I can imagine how hard this is.

And…
Dial it back. This is a loaded situation. I’m guessing that your mom may be pondering her own immortality. This may hit very close to home. Instead of finding ways to compare her response to others’, create some space for the idea that she is doing the best she can. If there is something specific you need from her, like watching the kids while you and spouse make funeral arrangements, then ask for that. But please stop judging her for not meeting your unannounced expectations.

[Anonymous]

Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

[Anonymous]

You are crazy. Totally crazy.

[Anonymous]

Overreacting.

I am sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

A card would be weird. Honestly, when my dad died I wasn’t looking for anything from my mil. She’s a difficult person. I got support from my friends and the people who knew and loved my dad.

This is about you and your mom, not support for your dh. Frankly I would put it aside and focus your energies on your dh and any siblings he has, and your kids. Let this one go.

[Anonymous]

So you mean your mother did not call, visit, or attend the funeral, and she did not verbalize condolences directly to your husband or any other close relatives of your MIL? That would be terrible indeed.

I have many issues with my parents, but at least they know how to behave when a relative, friend or acquaintance dies.

[Anonymous]

^ It wouldn't be "unforgivable" to me, though. Just one more blot on an already loaded copy...

[Anonymous]

Yeah, this also depends on her relationship with MIL. And you DH. I also think you need to dial it back. People don’t process these types of situations in the same manner. Like others said, if you need something specific ask for it—even the “hey, you should call Larlo and Larla. They’re sad and would love to hear from you”

[Anonymous]

Completely overreacting.

I say that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. If my MIL died tomorrow the last person I'd expect anything from is my own mother. And that would be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I can imagine how hard this is.

And…
Dial it back. This is a loaded situation. I’m guessing that your mom may be pondering her own immortality. This may hit very close to home. Instead of finding ways to compare her response to others’, create some space for the idea that she is doing the best she can. If there is something specific you need from her, like watching the kids while you and spouse make funeral arrangements, then ask for that. But please stop judging her for not meeting your unannounced expectations.

OP’s mother is immortal? Wow!

[Anonymous]

I don’t send cards to close family members. I think this is something you do for people you’re not super close with. For someone close, you visit/call and personally say the things you’d say in a card:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t send cards to close family members. I think this is something you do for people you’re not super close with. For someone close, you visit/call and personally say the things you’d say in a card:

She didn’t do that either. Couldn’t even pick up the phone to tell my husband she’s sorry his mom died. She texted after I told her too. Literally the least she could do.