My MIL died suddenly and my mom didn’t even send a card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband even care? If my MIL didn't send a condolence card, I would not care at all.

If your husband does not care that much about this, consider that you are doing what your mom does and making this about you and your issues, and that maybe your husband doesn't want to turn this into another conversation about your mother.

Finally, you are having what psychologists might call an "outsized reaction" based on a whole bunch of baggage. Get help for that. Seriously. Narcissistic (or just otherwise self involved and selfish) parents are the bread and butter of psychologists, and really can screw with kids well into adulthood.

I don’t know if he cares. She’s routinely late to send him Birthday gifts, and he says he doesn’t care. I have not brought this up to him because I don’t want to make it about me, but I’m embarrassed by my mom’s reaction. It’s very possible that it doesn’t bother him, but it’s a loss for me too and I’d think my mom would at the very very least ask about how I or my husband or kids are doing in the face of one of the biggest losses of our lives. But she hasn’t and won’t. Because she doesn’t care. That’s the bottom line. I need to accept and move on. Thank you dcum for point this out.

Again, this has become not about what your husband needs but what you needed and never got from your mom. I empathize but as a grown woman you will need to stop this obsession if you want to heal your own narcissistic wound. People do things because of who they are and not because of who you are. Surely you have a lot of love and care in your life — focus on that and on your own capacity to meet your needs.

[Anonymous]

I got 1 card when my father died of COVID in 2020. Don't pour gasoline on the fire. Just don't mention the lack of card to DH. It's not big deal.

[Anonymous]

Wow, people, this is not about a card! She is saying that her mother literally never mentioned or cared that this woman died. Just acted as if it never happened. That’s not normal. It’s immature, self-centered, likely about denial.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you're overreacting. Find a therapist who can help you unpack your codependency.

You are responsible for yourself - your actions, feelings, setting your boundaries, and stating your needs. You are not responsible for your mother's actions and you shouldn't be trying to control them - that's a big sign of codependency. Similarly, you're not responsible for your husband's feelings - he gets to decide if your mother's behavior hurts him and if so how he would like to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people, this is not about a card! She is saying that her mother literally never mentioned or cared that this woman died. Just acted as if it never happened. That’s not normal. It’s immature, self-centered, likely about denial.

This exactly. It’s not about the card. It’s that she didn’t show any sort of care that her close family suffered a giant loss.

Denial of what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you're overreacting. Find a therapist who can help you unpack your codependency.

You are responsible for yourself - your actions, feelings, setting your boundaries, and stating your needs. You are not responsible for your mother's actions and you shouldn't be trying to control them - that's a big sign of codependency. Similarly, you're not responsible for your husband's feelings - he gets to decide if your mother's behavior hurts him and if so how he would like to respond.

Fair enough. I have not asked him if he cares that my mom ignored the death of his mother. He has mentioned that others have not acknowledged the loss.

Fwiw, while my parents and ILs weren’t close, they were cordial and my ILs did travel 750 miles to an out of the way place for my father’s funeral a few years ago.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I am amazed at you OP as well as your mom.

In my family, we have informed each other (parents, ILs, siblings, nieces and nephews) over text -

Family, very sad to share this news with all of you. My ---(relation name), Mr or Ms -----(relative name), passed away due to....(How he passed away. She was X yrs old and is survived by ....(closest people's name). Last rites were performed on xyz date. Date of memorial service is -
XYX. Zoom link is - ABC/Zoom.com

You can text or call them at -
- Name - Phone number of family member 1
- Name - Phone number of family member 2
- Name - Phone number of family member 3...

If after talking/texting to them, you also want to send a card, flowers etc the address is
XYZ, street,
City, State
Country..


In our family we do not play games and everyone dutifully calls/texts and pays their respects. We make it easier for everyone to follow the correct social etiquettes. Our teenagers in the family also text or use social media DM to reach out to their peers and pay respects.

I however don't expect your mom to develop more warm feelings for your MIL and do more than what she has done. Maybe she feels that you are representing her also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband even care? If my MIL didn't send a condolence card, I would not care at all.

If your husband does not care that much about this, consider that you are doing what your mom does and making this about you and your issues, and that maybe your husband doesn't want to turn this into another conversation about your mother.

Finally, you are having what psychologists might call an "outsized reaction" based on a whole bunch of baggage. Get help for that. Seriously. Narcissistic (or just otherwise self involved and selfish) parents are the bread and butter of psychologists, and really can screw with kids well into adulthood.

I don’t know if he cares. She’s routinely late to send him Birthday gifts, and he says he doesn’t care. I have not brought this up to him because I don’t want to make it about me, but I’m embarrassed by my mom’s reaction. It’s very possible that it doesn’t bother him, but it’s a loss for me too and I’d think my mom would at the very very least ask about how I or my husband or kids are doing in the face of one of the biggest losses of our lives. But she hasn’t and won’t. Because she doesn’t care. That’s the bottom line. I need to accept and move on. Thank you dcum for point this out.

Again, this has become not about what your husband needs but what you needed and never got from your mom. I empathize but as a grown woman you will need to stop this obsession if you want to heal your own narcissistic wound. People do things because of who they are and not because of who you are. Surely you have a lot of love and care in your life — focus on that and on your own capacity to meet your needs.

Exactly, op is making it about her. She says she doesn't even know how he feels about it. Op is using this situation to go after her mother because she doesn't feel safe to confront her otherwise.

Frankly, if I were your husband I would be pissed off at you op for making the loss of MY mother about you and your mommy issues. That would be unforgivable to me.

[Anonymous]

My brother died and my MIL didn’t send a card. I’ll never forget this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother died and my MIL didn’t send a card. I’ll never forget this.

Oh, and she never said anything to me directly about it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother died and my MIL didn’t send a card. I’ll never forget this.

Oh, and she never said anything to me directly about it either.

Same with my ex in laws when my sister died. In a way I am grateful as it hastened my divorce.

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a heratless, inconsiderate social retard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people, this is not about a card! She is saying that her mother literally never mentioned or cared that this woman died. Just acted as if it never happened. That’s not normal. It’s immature, self-centered, likely about denial.

I don't think anyone is saying the mom is acting correctly or normally. Just that OP's reaction is about a much bigger set of issues that OP is responsible for tackling. And that OP should not make this about her and her mother and let her husband process it without overlaying all this other baggage. To OP's credit, it sounds like she hasn't made this about her when she talks to her husband.

[Anonymous]

If I were your DH I'd never speak or visit with your mother again.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like my mom.