My MIL died suddenly and my mom didn’t even send a card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I can imagine how hard this is.

And…
Dial it back. This is a loaded situation. I’m guessing that your mom may be pondering her own immortality. This may hit very close to home. Instead of finding ways to compare her response to others’, create some space for the idea that she is doing the best she can. If there is something specific you need from her, like watching the kids while you and spouse make funeral arrangements, then ask for that. But please stop judging her for not meeting your unannounced expectations.

OP’s mother is immortal? Wow!

OMG! Sorry! Big typo. Thanks for catching that. And for the laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

Oh yes. She's awful. I could tell from the way you worded your OP that it would be that kind of a situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely overreacting.

I say that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. If my MIL died tomorrow the last person I'd expect anything from is my own mother. And that would be fine.

Can you please help me understand why you are fine with it? My mom is also narcissistic. Do you love her or have you just given up on getting any sort of love from her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
So you mean your mother did not call, visit, or attend the funeral, and she did not verbalize condolences directly to your husband or any other close relatives of your MIL? That would be terrible indeed.

I have many issues with my parents, but at least they know how to behave when a relative, friend or acquaintance dies.

You are correct. Nothing but a text to DH days later at my asking.

[Anonymous]

OP- sounds like this might be a book for you. I’ve seen it recommended here:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_QGF26H3FMQRXT1RFQHCN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

This.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand why this is so unforgivable to be honest. When my MIL passed away, sure, my mom texted (I think?) but she didn't go out of her way to express grief or offer support. Come to think of it, when my dad died, I was genuinely surprised to get a phone call from my MIL, and she wasn't all that supportive. That's just not who I wanted to hear from in that moment. So I think it entirely depends on everyone's relationship and it shouldn't just be performative. She texted. That's enough in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- sounds like this might be a book for you. I’ve seen it recommended here:

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents https://www.amazon.com/dp/1626251703/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_QGF26H3FMQRXT1RFQHCN

Thank you. My therapist used to tell me that she is very emotionally immature. I hope this book can give me some clarity. I just ordered it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She did send a text when I suggested that maybe DH would appreciate some support. I feel like this is unforgivable. Am I overreacting? I have a lot of other issues with my mom, and her selfishness is high up on that list. Our house is filled with meals and treats and cards from friends and neighbors. The fact that my mom did nothing stands out so much, and I just feel like this is another way of her not showing her love. Not even a call to my kids to saying I’m sorry you lost your beloved grandmother.

She’s your mom / you would know how she responds to hard situations.

Some people really can’t deal with death. Your mom may be feeling afraid of her mortality. Could you reach out to her and ask how she is doing?

If comfortable, maybe discuss this death has been a big deal for your family. See what she says.

Sorry for your family’s loss OP.

[Anonymous]

HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely overreacting.

I say that as a daughter of a narcissistic mother. If my MIL died tomorrow the last person I'd expect anything from is my own mother. And that would be fine.

wow, that's awful.

My mother doesn't speak much English, and my ILs live on another continent. They've met all of two times - once at our wedding, so they don't really know each other.

Even so, when my FIL died, my parents bought som flowers for his funeral (and like weddings, funeral flower arrangements are ridiculously expensive). It's just a sign of being kind and respectful.

My parents aren't perfect. Far from it. They have so many issues, and I don't have a good relationship with my mother. Even so, they try to be good people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

? troll? Have you never been in the greeting card section of a store, where there's a section for bereavement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

DP... OP, your mom clearly has issues, and this is her passive aggressive way of being unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them.
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off.

Did she not like your MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:HUH?? Who sends cards for something like that? No...

? troll? Have you never been in the greeting card section of a store, where there's a section for bereavement?

I don't buy cards for people's losses. That's totally inappropriate IMO for the pain that someone has. When someone is close geographically I call, visit, take them to dinner. For a close friend who died in a car accident I send an edible arrangement every year on her birthday to her family. I would NEVER send a card. So impersonal.