Reply to My MIL died suddenly and my mom didn’t even send a card

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why does she specifically need to send a card? Why is a phone call or a text or some other form of communication unacceptable, and only a card will check the box?[/quote]

She did nothing. It’s been weeks. I had to tell her to at least text my DH to offer condolences. She is not pondering what to do. I’ve talked to her twice since and she doesn’t even ask how anyone is. No offer to attend funeral or watch kids. Nothing. She just told me about the trips she’s planning for next year. This is not a one off thing with her, and that’s what is making me consider it being unforgivable. DH and I have been together for 20 years. She saw my ILs annually at holidays and birthdays. It’s not like she didn’t know them. 
I’m just feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him. If it was my mother who died and my MIL did nothing to show any sort of support I feel like DCUM would justify me cutting her off. [/quote]

OP, I'm sorry for your loss and your DH's loss of his mother.

I get that you're emotional here, and you have a right to be. But can you take a step back from the emotion and consider a couple of things? Not things to excuse your mother, because you can't control her, but you CAN control your own actions and reactions.

"No offer to attend funeral or watch kids"  Did you ask her to do this? Or were you waiting for her to offer? Yes, it's always preferable and emotionally much more supportive if someone is thoughtful and offers; that's what we all want. But if you actually did need and want help, you know from past experience that she wont' offer, right? So you would have to ask. Very specifically.

"She just told me about trips she's planning"  What do you do to nip that kind of talk in the bud right now? "Mom, while I know [i]you're[/i] pleased about your trips, hearing about that right now is painful, since we're focused on the arrangements for MIL's funeral. You know her death was sudden so DH and I are stunned. I don't have the bandwidth to talk about next year." (And then: "If you want to help us, you can babysit the kids during the funeral on Feb. X. Be here at Y'o'clock. Can you do that? I need a firm yes or no."

"I'm feeling sad for my DH and like I need to stand up for him" But is HE especially sad about your mom not being in touch enough, or is this about your own sadness that your mom is thoughtless and doens't take initiative? As for standing up for him, of course you want to see her treat him as you want to see him treated. But she cannot conceive of that. The saying here is "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." You already have issues with her, so why expect she would behave differently and better in the event of a death?

Can you take the energy you're expending on hating her (again, with reason) and channel it instead into your supporting DH, any siblings he has etc.? I would at this point just ask your mother point blank for any concrete help you need; stop engaging her on anything else, like her vacation talk; and refocus your energy away from her. I realize that's easy to say and hard to do, though. Unpacking this with your therapist would be a big help. [/quote]

Thank you. You are 100% right. Are you a therapist? I need a new one. [/quote]

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