How to raise disciplined and high achieving children?

[Anonymous]

You forgot to say happy OP ….. discipline and achievement aren’t everything.

[Anonymous]

My DD is adopted and doing well in life. I would like her to be a happy and productive member of society. High achieving I don’t even care about. What does this even mean?

[Anonymous]

I disagree somewhat with the innate/genetics answer. Yes, those things might be the difference between extremely high-achieving vs high-achieving, but there's a lot that can be taught. The fact that UMC people don't recognize how much of their success is due to teachable habits and skills is actually a problem for perpetuating inequality, IMHO.

I'm pretty sure most people would describe me and my siblings as high-achieving and disciplined, though we're all pretty different from each other. I always joke with them that for better or worse, our prep school (top in our region, not DMV) was foundational to our "success". Our school placed a very high level of requirements on us in terms of coursework and extra-curriculars, and one of the things you had to learn was to prioritize and figure out the least amount you can do to be successful. This doesn't necessarily mean being sloppy or cutting corners, it means figuring out what actually matters for accomplishing something well. Working hard and also working smart. My observation is that a lot of people either do work hard, but spend their time on things that don't really matter as much, or they cut the wrong corners and end up delivering something sloppy or not particularly useful.

Personality-wise, my siblings and I are very different...which also manifests in our lifestyles. My brother and SIL are the ones most similar to the other post (which I presume is related to this one): https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1017671.page

Ultimately, I think we learned this ability to be efficient and prioritize what's important through our schooling and also what our parents modeled. They were both physicians in an UMC community with mostly SAHMs. They just didn't have time to waste on stuff that wasn't critical...so, for example, I know how to get a balanced, home-cooked meal on the table in <30 min with staples I always keep plus whatever's in the fridge.

There's only so much outright planning you can do. Sometimes things don't work out the way you except. Equally critical is anticipating and mitigating. I think the latter two are far more important, and those are ones you can teach by helping kids think through possibilities.

[Anonymous]

disciplined: don't let them quit things too easily; teach them to manage their own schooling (don't helicopter them with homework, projects, etc); teach and show them actions have consequences

high achieving: so much of this is luck, IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's innate.

Agree - from a disciplined and high achieving kid. I’ll tell you I was never paid for grades. I think it has to be intrinsic motivation.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

No. Ballet has been a wonderful creative outlet for my high achieving daughter. It is the definition of an extracurricular that instills rigor and discipline.

You know very well that most kids that are in “dance” are not doing some highly disciplined form of ballet study

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

No. Ballet has been a wonderful creative outlet for my high achieving daughter. It is the definition of an extracurricular that instills rigor and discipline.

You know very well that most kids that are in “dance” are not doing some highly disciplined form of ballet study

My high achieving disciplined son has never made his bed once in his life. His room is a typical teen bedroom, some piles of laundry etc at the edges, etc. I’ve never insisted on a clean room, beyond basic things like no trash/dirty dishes left to fester.
His drive and ambitions are his own. Making him make his bed wouldn’t have changed a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Sounds exhausting. Give them homework assignments? WTF. Let them have some downtime and play! You sound tiger-ish

DP here. How is this exhausting when it is good parenting? You sound like a bad parent and a potty-mouth. Being a good parent is tiger-ish? Well, that is a compliment then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:disciplined: don't let them quit things too easily; teach them to manage their own schooling (don't helicopter them with homework, projects, etc); teach and show them actions have consequences

high achieving: so much of this is luck, IMO

No. It is good parenting and teaching kids to work smart. To teach your kids to work smart, you as a parent need to do your homework and be clued in. Most parents are not clued in and they don't want to spend the time to research or be involved. So they watch their kids spin their wheels and get stressed. Clued in parents will research and guide their children so that they can be high achieving (which is different from being GT) and doors will open for them. Once the kids get a taste of success, the motivation to do well all the time gets instilled in them. The strategies need to be taught and achievement needs to be mapped.

For example - your kid can be good in coding but she also needs to know how to participate in competitions and to give back to society by teaching others - so it elevates a passion into achievement. All of this requires some guidance and support from parent. Which further requires parent to sacrifice their own leisure time and also to be functional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

No. Ballet has been a wonderful creative outlet for my high achieving daughter. It is the definition of an extracurricular that instills rigor and discipline.

You know very well that most kids that are in “dance” are not doing some highly disciplined form of ballet study

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

There are very few activities that lead to discipline and high achievement like gymnastics, so whoever thinks it's smart to steer kids away is clearly not very bright.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

There are very few activities that lead to discipline and high achievement like gymnastics, so whoever thinks it's smart to steer kids away is clearly not very bright.

My husband is a big law partner and a D1 college football player. Football absolutely helped his discipline in life, as well as his college prospects. This is such a broad and absurd statement. There's pros and cons to every activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

There are very few activities that lead to discipline and high achievement like gymnastics, so whoever thinks it's smart to steer kids away is clearly not very bright.

LOL gymnastics. What do you do after that, teach PE?

[Anonymous]

We’re talking in circles unless we define “high-achieving.”

If it means: college graduate, employed in a relatively professional job, that’s one thing.

If it means: doctor/lawyer/financial executive, in million dollar home, with country club membership and private school… that’s a different thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

There are very few activities that lead to discipline and high achievement like gymnastics, so whoever thinks it's smart to steer kids away is clearly not very bright.

LOL gymnastics. What do you do after that, teach PE?

What? You get a college scholarship and do whatever the hell you want with your extraordinary determination.