How to raise disciplined and high achieving children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want that.

About 90% of the disciplined and high achieving adults who I know are stressed and never satisfied (i.e., miserable).

Also, I’m going to have to go with it’s a combination of an innately anxious personality (nature) and a demanding parent who is also disciplined and high achieving.

This

I don’t agree. I was the driven, perfectionistic straight A student and I did not struggle with anxiety and my parents were typical 80s/hands off. It certainly can be a personality type associated with anxiety and intense parenting, but not always. I do agree that for the most part, inner drive and persistence is innate.

Kids can learn persistence. They develop a growth mindset. Finding something that they like but have to work at is key. At my house, that was karate. My son wanted to quit many times. We made him keep at it. He now has a black belt. He learned to work through something that does not come naturally. He learned to learn.

[Anonymous]

It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want that.

About 90% of the disciplined and high achieving adults who I know are stressed and never satisfied (i.e., miserable).

Also, I’m going to have to go with it’s a combination of an innately anxious personality (nature) and a demanding parent who is also disciplined and high achieving.

Absolutely.

Go for well-adjusted and dedicated to social justices causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

I don't think there is a way to articulate it without offending people, so I won't try. I'll just drop that piece of advice to OP and hope she heeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Some these are obvious but can you elaborate on them a bit? I mostly agree but can't fully articulate it myself so wondering you could.

I don't think there is a way to articulate it without offending people, so I won't try. I'll just drop that piece of advice to OP and hope she heeds.

Mean kids. Seeing it my neighborhood, stay away from the cheer kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3. And genetic. But positive role modeling can have a positive effect.

I don't think I agree. I have a friend who is the daughter of a highly accomplished lawyer and is accomplished herself. Her older brothers though have basically not done much and live off their Dad's money.

So good genetics from Dad, right? Well no, my friend is the one who's adopted, her brothers were not.

Well was the mom a SAHM? Maybe the brothers inherited her genes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Sounds exhausting. Give them homework assignments? WTF. Let them have some downtime and play! You sound tiger-ish

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3. And genetic. But positive role modeling can have a positive effect.

I don't think I agree. I have a friend who is the daughter of a highly accomplished lawyer and is accomplished herself. Her older brothers though have basically not done much and live off their Dad's money.

So good genetics from Dad, right? Well no, my friend is the one who's adopted, her brothers were not.

Well was the mom a SAHM? Maybe the brothers inherited her genes.

Wow was this necessary? Talk about internalized misogyny. You realize many smart, highly educated women either chose to SAH or are forced to due to economic or family reasons? Being a SAHM doesn't make someone an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Don’t spoil them, even if you are rich. It’s shocking to me how prevalent this is. Give them chores and when they are old enough (15) make them get a job if they want spending money.

They have zero incentive to be high achieving if everything is just given to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not very disciplined and high achieving and have envied these perfect adults who have well organized and successful lives. I’d like to pass on some good habits to my children. Tips? Strategies?

Good manners teach discipline. From the get go, my parents taught and expo all ofso have good manners. This also gave us the discipline to listen in school and to do our best.

[Anonymous]

There’s more than one way to raise disciplined high achieving children. I’m Asian and had tiger parents. My sibling and I are a physician and lawyer with successful job and home lives. However I wouldn’t wish this upbringing on anyone. My teens so far are high achievers and motivate themselves academically. I think the key is internal motivation which starts early. My kids started with a Montessori background though I don’t necessarily think you have to attend a Montessori school to do this. Anything your child is starting to do, let them do it on their own whether it’s putting on a jacket or cooking dinner. There’s too much overparenting these days which inhibits development and causes anxiety. Read the book How to Raise an Adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

No. Ballet has been a wonderful creative outlet for my high achieving daughter. It is the definition of an extracurricular that instills rigor and discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t spoil them, even if you are rich. It’s shocking to me how prevalent this is. Give them chores and when they are old enough (15) make them get a job if they want spending money.

They have zero incentive to be high achieving if everything is just given to them.

+1. My college boyfriend had amazingly high achieving, ambitious, motivated parents. He and his siblings are the opposite, because even though the parents modeled the behavior, they did not instill a sense of responsibility or consequences in their children. In trouble at school? Move to new private school. Bad grades? No consequences, but let’s go on a ski trip to take your mind off things, and here is brand new ski equipment even though there’s nothing wrong with last year’s stuff. Fail your college classes? Sign up again next semester and here’s a new car. Overspent and cannot pay your rent? Mama’s wallet to the rescue.

Shocker: none of them have successful careers and all still rely on parental help in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is part mostly internal motivation. But there are some things that may be helpful, or not, I don't know. But I am very average. I do have a great work ethic and am highly motivated, but I grew up with parents that were hyper-involved in their own needs and their divorces (and re-marriages). I do believe, with my DH, we have helped our kids do well so far. We have 3 kids and they are all high achievers and advanced in academics and the sports they do.


-Model the behaviors you want to see in them. Read often, both to them and to yourself so they see you reading frequently.

-Always always make school/learning the priority. Even when they don't have homework and on weekends, give them small assignments to keep their mind engaged and learning.

-Discuss things at meals. When I'm just not feeling up to talking, I turn on NPR's daily news hour and we listen (it is only a couple of minutes) then talk about what we heard

-Make them make their beds daily and clean their rooms weekly. Insist on it.

-Take them to museums, do music lessons, enroll in one sport each for them to focus on

-Stay away from dance, cheer, football, gymnastics.

-Steer them toward friendship with peers that are hard working and high achieving.

Sounds exhausting. Give them homework assignments? WTF. Let them have some downtime and play! You sound tiger-ish

+1, borderline abusive. Leave them alone and let them grow on their own terms. That's what we did and it worked out great.