Can you tell when someone is an only child as an adult?

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the only child adults who hates being alone. I disliked never having friends or family to play with as a kid and now I can’t get enough of company. I get sad when people go home, etc…

[Anonymous]

I am not sure they are worse at sharing, but I do find that they are weirder for sure.

[Anonymous]

I've found them to be more serious and less playful.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child with an only child who is tremendously offended by all the "eww onlies!" posts but I will say that the whole thing about being more independent, less driven to compete for resources, and more confident in their choices/stubborn is probably typical in many cases. It makes sense, and certainly applies to me and to my son. The sharing thing, I don't know. My husband has kind of taken on the antagonist sibling role (intentionally) for my kid, so we try to handle that.

That all said, there are so many factors with how kids are socialized and what their family and close contact dynamics are, that it's really difficult to generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've found them to be more serious and less playful.

This is the only post I agree with. I know a few onlies that are each too unique in most attributes except they are all generally more serious in attitude. I agree with a pp that some kids are just born generous/ ready to share and it carries into adulthood (unrelated to being an only or not).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child with an only child who is tremendously offended by all the "eww onlies!" posts but I will say that the whole thing about being more independent, less driven to compete for resources, and more confident in their choices/stubborn is probably typical in many cases. It makes sense, and certainly applies to me and to my son. The sharing thing, I don't know. My husband has kind of taken on the antagonist sibling role (intentionally) for my kid, so we try to handle that.

That all said, there are so many factors with how kids are socialized and what their family and close contact dynamics are, that it's really difficult to generalize.

I find these generalizations about only children not sharing in childhood totally untrue for the only children I know. The only children I know have NO PROBLEM sharing with others because they don’t have the fear that they won’t get the toy/thing/turn back. They are used to sharing with adults, who (except for the PP) likely model a very civilized form of sharing. Kids who have siblings are way more on edge about sharing because they know what the stakes are if their sibling takes their toy (it could be destroyed, parents could decide it is the sibling’s turn, could get lost, etc etc). I watch siblings hide toys from each other, purposely destroy the sibling’s toy, declare that certain toys are “theirs,” etc. Being in a sibling relationship—especially those in which children are only a couple of years apart—can require a territorialness that being an only doesn’t. How that shapes you, I don’t know. But it isn’t universally true that since only children don’t have to share at home, they don’t know how. Only children have to share in daycare and all through elementary school, just like everybody else…isn’t that where kids spend most of their time?

As for adult only children… I only know a couple since it was relatively uncommon when we were growing up. They are all nice, balanced, loving people. One was adopted. One was the child of parents who worked a lot. One was a naturally gifted athlete whose childhood revolved around that. One’s childhood was characterized by losing a parent. There’s so much in life, situation, genetics. Are people the way they are because of birth order? Partially, at BEST. Don’t base your decision on having/not having an only child on a set of generalizations that people make. Only children are as diverse in personality, gifts, weaknesses as people with siblings.

[Anonymous]

Can speak just for myself as the eldest child separated by 7 yrs from my only sibling. I've always done things on my own and taught myself things I wanted to learn. My brain is always on and I'm always thinking. A nice quiet walk by myself outside really relaxes me. I prefer it to a room of loud people each trying to be heard. I don't like others to do things for me because I know I can do it myself and better and yes I lack the social skills needed to have and maintain friends so the rest of the loud people can call me weird. I have been called weird by the eldest of others families but they grew up with 2 siblings or more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. The most selfish, self-centered person I know has siblings. There are some adults I know have siblings because they've mentioned them, some adults I know are onlies because it's come up in conversation, and some I don't know. There's not really any appreciable difference in personalities among this group.

Which makes sense, since only children and eldest children tend to be very similar, personality-wise, insofar as birth order matters.

Only children have more in common with eldest who are separated from a number of years from their youngest. The eldest of 2 or more siblings has a lot of social interaction. I know the eldest of a family of 5 and she is loud crazy and has cheated on her men and been a nut. And a selfish ho bag.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the assumption that only children will be spoiled, used to being the center of attention, demanding, etc. I don't think this reflects what it's actually like to grow up as an only. I do think this describes the experience of some (not all) youngest children. who also don't all grow up to be spoiled! But I do think that what people think is the experience of only children is actually the experience of some youngest children.

Only children don't have to compete with siblings for attention or resources, true. But in most families, those are limited resources no matter what. Unless your family is very wealthy, you are not going to get everything you want whenever you want it. I think sometimes people with siblings develop this idea that the reason they don't have what they want is because of their siblings, and it's probably not true. Only children still get served vegetables when they want pizza. They still have chores and curfews. They go to school, have to clean up their rooms, etc. If they don't, it's not because they are only children, it's because of other factors (indulgent parents, limited boundaries, extreme wealth or privilege). And people with siblings can have those things too.

Plus only children have less access to people to pay them attention and pump them up. As an only, sometimes your parents will be busy, plus they will sometimes be focused on themselves or each other. It's not 100% focus on you. That's why onlies often do learn to entertain themselves fairly easily or to be a bit more independent. Because they are often left to their own devices quite a bit as kids.

Youngest kids are much more likely to get used to being the center of attention because they aren't limited to their parents for attention. They have their parents plus their older siblings, which means in some families that youngest kids really do get used to never having to figure stuff out on their own, to their own detriment. They can get really accustomed to praise because families often fall into the habit of always praising the youngest no matter what, so they don't feel left out or like they aren't as good. And humans are programmed to view the smallest of any set as the cutest and most appealing -- it's a protective instinct. So youngest children have often gone their entire lives being told they are so cute and everything they do is just great. Sometimes older siblings help to counteract this by challenging that status quo (which is actually good!) but some families never do this and it can be really negative for that kid. When I have encountered adults in their 20s and 30s who are somehow simultaneously really attractive and fun to be around, and also absolutely infuriating as people, they are always the youngest in their family. Just frequently a real lack of basic life skills and some very weird expectations about where they stand with relation to other people. I think they are often very unaware of it as well. It can be a real challenge, especially because they are often very nice and friendly (while being unknowingly very entitled and demanding).

[Anonymous]

The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

[Anonymous]

I’m a youngest married to an only. People often assume I was the oldest but my family was dysfunctional which impacted things. All of my friends growing up were the youngest, too. I don’t think it’s obvious to others that DH is an only. He’s definitely not selfish. He is a bit of a loner; though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

That's an individual thing. I'm the oldest of 3 and my siblings are perfectly lovely people, but they are not my best friends. Sure we can reminisce about childhood during holidays, but when s+it hits the fan they're not who I call or confide in. My longterm, non related best friends are those people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

I’m the hate to be lonely only PP but I struggle with this idealist vision of sibling relationships. My kids mutually dislike each other and I had to learn that that’s ok, maybe they’ll grow close, maybe they won’t. They are each five years apart in age and at different stages constantly which I guess doesn’t help with my ideal vision. I always just assumed siblings loved each other naturally and had amazing relationships.

[Anonymous]

Nope, not by the time people are tweens. Too many other factors shape people.

[Anonymous]

My Dad, an only, married my mother eldest of 7, and had 3 kids. My friend is an only, her husband is 1 of 5. Ive noticed that happens quite often.