Can you tell when someone is an only child as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Nope. My single is the kind, sweet, and nice to people. In college now and no, no one "assumes" he's an only. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only. I don’t know if others recognize an only in me. But I think a common thread is lack of need to compete. Doesnt mean all onlies are not competitive, or that it’s a trait that couldn’t be learned elsewhere, but in general, we didn’t need to compete for resources / attention / love early on. Agree also on comfort being alone and entertaining ourselves. But this is my insight as an only, may be others’ perception of me may be different.

This is how I would describe my only. He is so comfortable in his own skin and not needy.

[Anonymous]

Yes they are usually very narcissistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an only DD, age 11, and she is the most empathetic, thoughtful, generous person who would give away her last cherished stuffed animal if she saw someone who needed it. She popped out that way, I’m not taking any credit. I really think it’s more personality driven than birth order.

I’m a middle child who got the most attention growing up because I was the star athlete of the family. So again, not the typical “overlooked Jan Brady” type. YMMV

omg, yes. We say that all the time about ours too. I think he would be who he is regardless of whether we were able to carry our other pgs to term or not. I think this thread is dumb honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Dad, an only, married my mother eldest of 7, and had 3 kids. My friend is an only, her husband is 1 of 5. Ive noticed that happens quite often.

This is our family. DH is an only. I come from a big family. He hated being an only child and wanted lots of kids. We have five. We probably would have had one more had my health allowed it. It was crazy when all the kids were still at home. Now, it’s super quiet with just the two of us. But, when they all come home, it’s wild again. Just like they never left. Only now we have spouses and grandkids in the crazy.

[Anonymous]

Only children are usually more comfortable talking with adults. They were raised mostly interacting with adults, not kids. I think that's a good trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes they are usually very narcissistic.

I disagree. They are more friendly to other kids. Only children are less likely to fight with other kids or bully kids. Just my observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the assumption that only children will be spoiled, used to being the center of attention, demanding, etc. I don't think this reflects what it's actually like to grow up as an only. I do think this describes the experience of some (not all) youngest children. who also don't all grow up to be spoiled! But I do think that what people think is the experience of only children is actually the experience of some youngest children.

Only children don't have to compete with siblings for attention or resources, true. But in most families, those are limited resources no matter what. Unless your family is very wealthy, you are not going to get everything you want whenever you want it. I think sometimes people with siblings develop this idea that the reason they don't have what they want is because of their siblings, and it's probably not true. Only children still get served vegetables when they want pizza. They still have chores and curfews. They go to school, have to clean up their rooms, etc. If they don't, it's not because they are only children, it's because of other factors (indulgent parents, limited boundaries, extreme wealth or privilege). And people with siblings can have those things too.

Plus only children have less access to people to pay them attention and pump them up. As an only, sometimes your parents will be busy, plus they will sometimes be focused on themselves or each other. It's not 100% focus on you. That's why onlies often do learn to entertain themselves fairly easily or to be a bit more independent. Because they are often left to their own devices quite a bit as kids.

Youngest kids are much more likely to get used to being the center of attention because they aren't limited to their parents for attention. They have their parents plus their older siblings, which means in some families that youngest kids really do get used to never having to figure stuff out on their own, to their own detriment. They can get really accustomed to praise because families often fall into the habit of always praising the youngest no matter what, so they don't feel left out or like they aren't as good. And humans are programmed to view the smallest of any set as the cutest and most appealing -- it's a protective instinct. So youngest children have often gone their entire lives being told they are so cute and everything they do is just great. Sometimes older siblings help to counteract this by challenging that status quo (which is actually good!) but some families never do this and it can be really negative for that kid. When I have encountered adults in their 20s and 30s who are somehow simultaneously really attractive and fun to be around, and also absolutely infuriating as people, they are always the youngest in their family. Just frequently a real lack of basic life skills and some very weird expectations about where they stand with relation to other people. I think they are often very unaware of it as well. It can be a real challenge, especially because they are often very nice and friendly (while being unknowingly very entitled and demanding).

I’m guessing you are an older child. I am the youngest and I certainly did not receive constant praise. The opposite. My siblings were very critical of me. And no, that’s not good. Living in a house were older children who you think are cool are constantly putting you down is not good for confidence or self-esteem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I really think about it. The adult onlies I know tend to be more comfortable doing things on their own and less emotionally needy. Even if they have mental health issues or other problems (everyone has problems), they do not seem to need as much validation as my other friends or have as much need for an audience. I do also think onlies are less willing to compromise with others. That can be very annoying but I also admire it at times— the ones in my life tend to get what they want (and exactly what they want) a lot more often than I do, and I try to take notes because I’m often a doormat.

I am a middle child and very different than this. I have a deep fear of being disliked and overlooked, and I tend to overcompensate by talking a lot and being very accommodating of others.

I personally have found that youngest children (especially “the babies” — people younger than their siblings by more than a year or two, especially in large families) are the biggest challenge personality wise. The neediness of a middle child combined with the entitlement/demanding attitude of an only.

The eldest really varies IME.

As a middle child, do you feel an instant inexplicable kinship with some people, and only later discover that they, too are middle children?

I do this with fellow midwesterners. Almost anyone I quickly click with I find out is from the middle of the country also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the assumption that only children will be spoiled, used to being the center of attention, demanding, etc. I don't think this reflects what it's actually like to grow up as an only. I do think this describes the experience of some (not all) youngest children. who also don't all grow up to be spoiled! But I do think that what people think is the experience of only children is actually the experience of some youngest children.

Only children don't have to compete with siblings for attention or resources, true. But in most families, those are limited resources no matter what. Unless your family is very wealthy, you are not going to get everything you want whenever you want it. I think sometimes people with siblings develop this idea that the reason they don't have what they want is because of their siblings, and it's probably not true. Only children still get served vegetables when they want pizza. They still have chores and curfews. They go to school, have to clean up their rooms, etc. If they don't, it's not because they are only children, it's because of other factors (indulgent parents, limited boundaries, extreme wealth or privilege). And people with siblings can have those things too.

Plus only children have less access to people to pay them attention and pump them up. As an only, sometimes your parents will be busy, plus they will sometimes be focused on themselves or each other. It's not 100% focus on you. That's why onlies often do learn to entertain themselves fairly easily or to be a bit more independent. Because they are often left to their own devices quite a bit as kids.

Youngest kids are much more likely to get used to being the center of attention because they aren't limited to their parents for attention. They have their parents plus their older siblings, which means in some families that youngest kids really do get used to never having to figure stuff out on their own, to their own detriment. They can get really accustomed to praise because families often fall into the habit of always praising the youngest no matter what, so they don't feel left out or like they aren't as good. And humans are programmed to view the smallest of any set as the cutest and most appealing -- it's a protective instinct. So youngest children have often gone their entire lives being told they are so cute and everything they do is just great. Sometimes older siblings help to counteract this by challenging that status quo (which is actually good!) but some families never do this and it can be really negative for that kid. When I have encountered adults in their 20s and 30s who are somehow simultaneously really attractive and fun to be around, and also absolutely infuriating as people, they are always the youngest in their family. Just frequently a real lack of basic life skills and some very weird expectations about where they stand with relation to other people. I think they are often very unaware of it as well. It can be a real challenge, especially because they are often very nice and friendly (while being unknowingly very entitled and demanding).

I’m guessing you are an older child. I am the youngest and I certainly did not receive constant praise. The opposite. My siblings were very critical of me. And no, that’s not good. Living in a house were older children who you think are cool are constantly putting you down is not good for confidence or self-esteem

I’m a middle child and “being constantly criticized and put down by older siblings” describes my childhood pretty well. My older sister and mom used to hang up on me in this way, picking apart my appearance or interrogating me about my social life or school experience and then critiquing it. Just thinking about this as I write it gives me a pit in my stomach. I have one younger sibling and I do think he got a lot of criticism too, though he also definitely got babied/protected more than i did. I would say that’s a better situation, though. Neither of us got much support or encouragement.

[Anonymous]

No I am number 5 of 8 + people sometimes think I have no sibs.

Why don't you put every in a box OP LOL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

That's an individual thing. I'm the oldest of 3 and my siblings are perfectly lovely people, but they are not my best friends. Sure we can reminisce about childhood during holidays, but when s+it hits the fan they're not who I call or confide in. My longterm, non related best friends are those people.

+1

There are people who are close to their families and people who aren’t. I have three siblings and I have no idea what PP is talking about with regards to the unique closeness of sibling relationship. It has not been my experience. I will say probably most of my friends are relatively close to their siblings, if they have them. But some are not, and no one thinks this is that strange. Families are different, a lot depends on how you were raised, as well as age differences and other factors.

I think PP is actually doing what they think only children do, which is assuming their experience is universal when it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

In what way has this dynamic manifested itself? How did it cause conflict?

[Anonymous]

As kids I definitely can (although it’s often the hovering, overbearing parents that give it away). As adults it depends on their lived experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing I find hardest when dealing with adult only children is their lack of understanding of the love and bond of siblings. My siblings are by far my best friends even as adults, and no non-related best friend can come close to the depth and shared history of a sibling relationship. So I think the sense of family is different and hard when married to an only. I am one of six kids.

In what way has this dynamic manifested itself? How did it cause conflict?

Yeah, Im curious too. I am an only, and I never had any problem understanding how siblings could be close, but have you somehow not noticed how often they are NOT? I would say 80% of people I meet who have siblings describe conflict. I don't assume that is the norm, but it sure is very common.

I had a very close relationship with my mother. I never assume people don't relate to my closeness with her because they had siblings.

I'm afraid OP and people like you, PP, (unless you are OP) need to accept the fact that you cannot reduce OTHER PEOPLE to a set of stats when they appear to not understand something about you or you have the need to assume something about them.