Can you tell when someone is an only child as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As kids I definitely can (although it’s often the hovering, overbearing parents that give it away). As adults it depends on their lived experiences.

+1. It’s usually the parents of only kids I don’t like. I was visiting a friend (mom to an only) and we decided to go out to dinner. We all sat around waiting as her 12 year old daughter made the decision as to where we would go. The girl absolutely runs their house.

Yes! I also know families like this. They treat their child like a third adult in the home who gets an equal voice in household decisions. Very weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes if I really think about it. The adult onlies I know tend to be more comfortable doing things on their own and less emotionally needy. Even if they have mental health issues or other problems (everyone has problems), they do not seem to need as much validation as my other friends or have as much need for an audience. I do also think onlies are less willing to compromise with others. That can be very annoying but I also admire it at times— the ones in my life tend to get what they want (and exactly what they want) a lot more often than I do, and I try to take notes because I’m often a doormat.

I am a middle child and very different than this. I have a deep fear of being disliked and overlooked, and I tend to overcompensate by talking a lot and being very accommodating of others.

I personally have found that youngest children (especially “the babies” — people younger than their siblings by more than a year or two, especially in large families) are the biggest challenge personality wise. The neediness of a middle child combined with the entitlement/demanding attitude of an only.

The eldest really varies IME.

You sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Parents of an only child think they are so profoundly amazing it’s a bit much. The only child has never had to share the spotlight or learn to compromise because of a sibling’s competing demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally very selfish because they never had to share.

I find the opposite -- very generous and flexible because they know when they go back home they will have their own stuff that no sibling can take. I was just watching a group of 8-9 yo girls at a birthday party and the onlies were self-possessed and patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't say that I can generally tell, but once I find out, things about their personalities often start to make more sense. For example, the only children I know often demand a lot of attention from their friends. They soak up attention and are needy and often can't deal when the spotlight is on someone else. They want to quickly refocus attention back on themselves.

Complete opposite experience. Kids from big families didn’t get enough attention unless they demanded it, so now they demand it… All. The. Time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say that I can generally tell, but once I find out, things about their personalities often start to make more sense. For example, the only children I know often demand a lot of attention from their friends. They soak up attention and are needy and often can't deal when the spotlight is on someone else. They want to quickly refocus attention back on themselves.

Complete opposite experience. Kids from big families didn’t get enough attention unless they demanded it, so now they demand it… All. The. Time

This is my experience as well. They didn't learn to share, they learned to compete.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 children, they share and compete and hug and argue and are absolutely there for each other no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 children, they share and compete and hug and argue and are absolutely there for each other no matter what.

Uh, okay. Have a cookie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't say that I can generally tell, but once I find out, things about their personalities often start to make more sense. For example, the only children I know often demand a lot of attention from their friends. They soak up attention and are needy and often can't deal when the spotlight is on someone else. They want to quickly refocus attention back on themselves.

Complete opposite experience. Kids from big families didn’t get enough attention unless they demanded it, so now they demand it… All. The. Time

This is my experience as well. They didn't learn to share, they learned to compete.

I'm from a big family and I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents of an only child think they are so profoundly amazing it’s a bit much. The only child has never had to share the spotlight or learn to compromise because of a sibling’s competing demands.

Yup. I know this is kind of the standard stereotype about only kids but I think there is often truth to it. Used to having the spotlight, difficulty compromising, like things their way, used to being catered to etc etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 children, they share and compete and hug and argue and are absolutely there for each other no matter what.

Do you have a dog? Male or female? Name? Color?

[Anonymous]

The only time I ever noticed was when I went on a weekend with my friend, and I forgot my toothpaste, so I asked to borrow some. She let me, but then she also let me know that the front desk would also have toothpaste i could get from them... which... I mean, yes, but it was just surprising to me. But I get it, it is a personal care item.

I'm a middle and HATE sharing my food, even with my husband. I mean, if I get a snack and he wants to eat several bites, it drives me nuts.

These are super inconsequential things. I don't think it seriously matters.

[Anonymous]

A lot depends on how they were raised and the personality they were born with, so not all adult only children have the same traits. But there's one type of only child that expects everything they want and expects the best of everything. They live with adults so if they want all the olives at dinner because they like olives, the parents give them to them. There's no sibling who also likes olives so they don't have to share. The parents can afford really expensive clothes and experiences for them because it's one kid and they expect the parents to sacrifice for them in a way that most parents wouldn't expect a sibling to sacrifice for them.

DD has a teenager only child friend who is going to be a handful. She took one of my younger kid's last tomato off her plate and ate it because "I like tomatoes and that was the last one." She gets jealous of my younger kids getting attention when she wants something and it's a constant problem when she's at our house because I won't drop another kid I'm helping to cater to her desires and she resents waiting.

I don't think all only children are fated to this outcome though. Parents can teach their kids to share, not automatically give the kid the parent's share of things just because they want it, and not drop everything the second the kid wants something. I don't mean make a hungry baby wait, but if you're eating lunch then your 6 year old kid can wait a few minutes for you to finish before you go do whatever activity they want to do. If you're having tomatoes at dinner and your child wants them all, you can tell your child that there are three people and everyone shares the tomatoes. Teaching your kid that other people have wants and needs that they have to respect goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only time I ever noticed was when I went on a weekend with my friend, and I forgot my toothpaste, so I asked to borrow some. She let me, but then she also let me know that the front desk would also have toothpaste i could get from them... which... I mean, yes, but it was just surprising to me. But I get it, it is a personal care item.

I'm a middle and HATE sharing my food, even with my husband. I mean, if I get a snack and he wants to eat several bites, it drives me nuts.

These are super inconsequential things. I don't think it seriously matters.

You hate sharing food but you note when your friend doesn't want to share toothpaste?

Honestly, go to the front desk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 children, they share and compete and hug and argue and are absolutely there for each other no matter what.

SHe said with a straight face, while insisting her view was completely objective and factual.