Any moms do it all on their own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an unintended pregnancy 17 yrs ago. My ex was involved when he felt like it which was more frequent than my DS was younger. Now my ex lives far away and hasn't seen our child in many, many years. He is married and has more kids. It is hard but I started off doing it alone. I'm sure it's harder if you have a partner and then they leave. I sometimes get child support but I don't count on it because it isn't always on time or the total amount. Good luck to you. Make sure you really want this child because it's much too hard to do when you regret your decision.

Thanks for sharing your story. I do really, really want this child. I know it will be hard but I do have a great support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.

OP, based on what you've said, I would NOT do this. You could end up in a nightmare situation if you file for child support and the guy gets angry and retaliates. I'm talking about him retaliating against you legally, using the family court system. Trust me. You want peace. You don't want to be stuck in a hell that never ends.

It sounds like you can financially support your child on your own; DO THAT. Use your village, it IS doable. And it gets easier in many ways as the child gets older. It is hardest in the early years. You can definitely do it. Sending you love.

Thanks I can see him retaliating for child support, as of now I'm not putting him on the birth certificate or filing for child support. He's made no effort to communicate or coordinate with me, so I'm hoping he'll just sort of disappear, which will help me in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me! And you can absolutely do this! It’s not easy, but in some ways it is easier because yours is the only opinion that matters. You don’t have to compromise on any issue. I think the toughest row to hoe is single parent with conflicting co-parent. I can’t imagine having to discuss every single decision with someone I’m not also in a relationship with.

I won’t provide any guidance on if you should seek to end his parental rights or not. That’s too personal of a decision.

Thanks for the response! Yea, like I said in my OP, he seems to think his role as a parent can be to have long discussions with me on what to do with our child, and little else. Totally, totally bizarre to me, and I don't see what a father who barely sees his child can contribute, ha.

There's a lot more going on that I don't want to discuss here, but I've talked with professionals and general consensus is that it's better to persuade him to end his rights, rather than deal with this for years on end.

[Anonymous]

I am doing it alone with an abusive ex who only shows up when he wants. He makes a lot of money but child support is very minimal bc I also work. The child is wonderful but if I could go back in time I would probably make different choices. If you want a child on your own I would do it with a donor rather than bringing a child into the world with the knowledge that at least one of his parents did not want him and/or is a total jerk. OP no matter how much help you think you will have it is NOT the same as a partner; children also seriously adversely affect your ability to work and earn especially if alone; and if you are young enough I would seriously think about terminating and starting over after getting help for whatever issues have been preventing you from pursuing or finding partnership. Having a child is very likely to foreclose that potentially very rewarding opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

It still messes a child up to have one parent who didn't want them. That is written in your bones and never, ever goes away.

Not saying this is not true, but i would think its better to have a parent not be around than forcing someone who doesn't want to be there to be involved. In one case, a kid can argue that the parent missed out bc they didn't get to know the kids, in the second case if the parent still doesn't want to be involved, the kid can wonder what about them makes the parent so averse, despite knowing their kid. I'm adopted and I can say I fully believe I'm much better off with my family than if I hadn't been left behind at the hospital by my birth mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm doing this, and as hard as it is, I'm kicking ass at it too. When the sperm donor wants to see the kid, allow him and try not to get in the way of their relationship (DC will see what a POS he is in due time), but don't force it either. Also, FILE FOT CHILD SUPPORT. I made the mistake of waiting nearly 8 years for him to "do the right thing", and had to file. I filed in December and we JUST got a court date.

There are TONS of financial aid to help support programming for the kid when it's time and the income requirements are somewhat generous depending on the programs (camps, private schools, extracurricular activities, etc) so get involved with the local rec center, join your local Buy Nothing group, and find a solid offset Mommy Group from your BabyCenter group.

You got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am doing it alone with an abusive ex who only shows up when he wants. He makes a lot of money but child support is very minimal bc I also work. The child is wonderful but if I could go back in time I would probably make different choices. If you want a child on your own I would do it with a donor rather than bringing a child into the world with the knowledge that at least one of his parents did not want him and/or is a total jerk. OP no matter how much help you think you will have it is NOT the same as a partner; children also seriously adversely affect your ability to work and earn especially if alone; and if you are young enough I would seriously think about terminating and starting over after getting help for whatever issues have been preventing you from pursuing or finding partnership. Having a child is very likely to foreclose that potentially very rewarding opportunity.

+1. How old are you? Why have a kid with a jerk when you don't have to. This is not your last chance to have a baby, but it is your last chance to get rid of this guy forever.

[Anonymous]

First, op, your child’s father doesn’t seem like a nice guy. I also think you may be screwing with him a bit too, you don’t “decide” anything, this isn’t a pizza and you aren’t talking about mushrums v. peporoni. Get a lawyer and play hardball acording to the legal guidelines. What he wants doesn’t matter. His feelings don’t matter.

You don’t need to know how much he makes, I guarantee you, the I.R.S does if hes paying taxes. If he isn’t, they’ll jump on him which they should do anyway.

Know that if you file for child support, you may not get it especially if you two split custody. Know that he can always ask for more or less time with the child, ask the court not you. The child isn’t yours to give or take away, not when you’re dealing with a legal father.

Know that he’ll probably say the kid isn’t his and the court will order a DNA test. You can’t exactly say you don’t know who the fathe ris, or you didn’t get a last name, or he died in a war someplace.. unless he did in fact die in a war. Nobody wants to pay for your kid which is why the courts work so hard to sort all this out. Again, this isnt’ between you and him, this is now a legal matter. Your lawyer should be able to make him understand that.

Know that the child will probably have a relationship with his girlfriends, his siblings, his parents and unless they are abusive, you don’t get a vote. The kid will also probably have traits and mannerisms just like his/her dad. Be ready for that, I have a friend who treated her daughter poorly because she reminded her too much of an ex, the way she’d tilt her head, certain expressions she’d use, certain interests. It was awful.


As for your friends and family, how does this great group mesh with your previously mentioned comments about keeping your legs closed? I don’t understand.

Know that your amazing group wont pitch in the way you think. Pregnancy is treated like an illness much of the time, so they are treating you like an ill person, one they need to care for. That will rapidly change once the baby is born. Most will continue to like you just fine, but their lives will go on. The mom you relied on to “please pick up my kid” will have deinstalled the carseat because her kid who “isn’t much older then yours” doesn’t need it anymore and doesn’t know how to reinstall it because “Johnny always did that, I’m sorry, I can’t help you today”


The friend who said “I’ll always be there” will have plans on the day or night you really need her.

The sister who should be able to change a diaper won’t have a clue what to do, but will be absolutely wonderful when your kid is older.

The grandma who swore she’d love to look after your kid so you could do a training course realizes just what is involved with little kids and loves them but isn’t up to doing what she did 40 years ago. Both my mom and my husband’s mom have commented on how complicated carseats are, neither of them has ever buckled our kids into a car seat.

I haven’t even gotten into the emotional aspects of parenting, yours, your kid’s and your friends. The friend who never cared about guns decides they want to target shoot, and they’re more then happy to have your kid hang out with them but “we’re going to the range, I’ll make sure she’s safe, but we’re going”. You then have to decide how you feel abut guns, how you feel about your kid and this friend with guns, how you feel about guns and your kid and what you do if you decide “no, my kid doesn’t need to be around guns” or around guns with this friend.
And yes, I picked the gun example to get your attention, it could easily be music or a movie or medicine or politics or something that a friend who is otherwise a nice person talks about with your kid. Your village will rapidly go away if you say “don’t talk about marriage or “don’t talk about politics” especially as kids get older. Unpaid labor simply won’t want to help you if you constrain them too much.

Good luck, op. I’m in the camp that says maybe you should terminate, not because you are a bad person, but because you and the baby’s father don’t even seem to like each other. You’re not even trying to be a family. You say you want a partner, and that you are sad about doing all the parenting things solo, so why are you doing this to yourself? Finding a partner will be even harder once you have a kid, especially in a situation where you are deferential towards a guy who doesn’t care about you or his child.

[Anonymous]

I am in a worst case scenario, so I'll share it with you just to wrap your mind around what might go wrong.

1. I have 75% custody, and I pay my ex child support.

2. My ex went to a horrible of a lawyer who is all about "father's rights" and for a time, my kid really really struggled with everything, especially extracurricular activities because he argued, "my time, my choice, period." How does your kid keep their spot on the top travel soccer team when one parent refuses to allow him to attend the practices, competitions, and games on their parenting time (even if you offer to pay all the fees and pick up the kid from their house, take them to their game or practice, then return them)? They don't. They lose the spot. This happened to my kid.

3. I got 75% custody instead of 50% because I agreed to forgive a TON of money he owed me in shared costs for health insurance, out of pocket medical expenses and child care while I work. I also got our agreement to protect my kid's extracurricular activities, plus really strong language regarding attorney's fees for contempt. This is helpful.

4. Ex has become even more of a nut job over time and fills my kid's head with crazy political ideas. Ex lacks integrity and my kid absorbs his behavior and ideas, and it is bad. Every time my kid comes back we have play defense.

5. I'm lucky. I went on to marry a wonderful man and have more kids, but DH's tolerance for the crap that my ex puts me and my son through is waning. It's a very difficult position for me to be in. It's also very difficult for my son, who benefits from an amazing stepdad, but also suffers because he wants to be loyal to and loved by his biodad, so he's dealing with a loyalty bind and just other really heavy emotional challenges from the position we've put him in. I do everything I can to smooth things over for him, but it's so hard for me and the rest of my family.

I learned long ago that it is always better in my situation to trade money for parenting time and rights. I guess if you can legally get him to give up all parental rights in exchange for a promise not to go after him for child support, that might work out for you okay. Go see a lawyer and do it right from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

I am a single mom that was in a similar situation and say that you can do this. It's definitely hard and sometimes a bit lonely (during a pandemic for sure) but I like that I get to call the shots. Be prepared that your village may or may not step up. Mine didn't really. I think people assume that since I wanted a baby that I can handle everything myself. I got more tasks dumped on me at work, no meal trains, people asking me why I wasn't dating right after the baby was born, etc.
If you can end the father's rights, I would. He sounds like he will be a thorn in your side otherwise. There are plenty of books out there and ways to spin not having a dad where your child will be ok with it. Mine is. I also try to surround myself with other families like mine so your child with have other kids to relate to. So many different types of families out there now a days, your child won't stand out.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious what state you're in that allows the two of you to agree to terminate his parental rights as I'm not aware of any that permit this arrangement. The reason for this is because if you are unable to support the child the taxpayers do not want to be on the hook for it if there is another party they can go after for support. I would also note that in many states even if he is uninvolved if you die he gets the child.

FWIW I can't imagine what your particular life circumstances are that this seems like a good idea. Even if you are getting older a sperm donor is a far more preferable arrangement than the one you are describing.

[Anonymous]

You can file for child support and the court will order a paternity test.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.

OP, based on what you've said, I would NOT do this. You could end up in a nightmare situation if you file for child support and the guy gets angry and retaliates. I'm talking about him retaliating against you legally, using the family court system. Trust me. You want peace. You don't want to be stuck in a hell that never ends.

It sounds like you can financially support your child on your own; DO THAT. Use your village, it IS doable. And it gets easier in many ways as the child gets older. It is hardest in the early years. You can definitely do it. Sending you love.

Thanks I can see him retaliating for child support, as of now I'm not putting him on the birth certificate or filing for child support. He's made no effort to communicate or coordinate with me, so I'm hoping he'll just sort of disappear, which will help me in the future.

How would he retaliate? Wanting visitation/custody? He has every right to if he's paying child support. Get a paternity test after birth and file for child support. If you refuse to put him on the birth certificate or let him be involved, then don't complain and plan to do it all on your own. It sounds like you both are being difficult and its not what is best for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a single mom that was in a similar situation and say that you can do this. It's definitely hard and sometimes a bit lonely (during a pandemic for sure) but I like that I get to call the shots. Be prepared that your village may or may not step up. Mine didn't really. I think people assume that since I wanted a baby that I can handle everything myself. I got more tasks dumped on me at work, no meal trains, people asking me why I wasn't dating right after the baby was born, etc.
If you can end the father's rights, I would. He sounds like he will be a thorn in your side otherwise. There are plenty of books out there and ways to spin not having a dad where your child will be ok with it. Mine is. I also try to surround myself with other families like mine so your child with have other kids to relate to. So many different types of families out there now a days, your child won't stand out.

OP. Thanks, this is reassuring. Good idea on surrounding ourselves with different families!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get child support through a court order, not some ad hoc agreement between you two. Get it taken out of his paychecks.

OP, based on what you've said, I would NOT do this. You could end up in a nightmare situation if you file for child support and the guy gets angry and retaliates. I'm talking about him retaliating against you legally, using the family court system. Trust me. You want peace. You don't want to be stuck in a hell that never ends.

It sounds like you can financially support your child on your own; DO THAT. Use your village, it IS doable. And it gets easier in many ways as the child gets older. It is hardest in the early years. You can definitely do it. Sending you love.

Thanks I can see him retaliating for child support, as of now I'm not putting him on the birth certificate or filing for child support. He's made no effort to communicate or coordinate with me, so I'm hoping he'll just sort of disappear, which will help me in the future.

How would he retaliate? Wanting visitation/custody? He has every right to if he's paying child support. Get a paternity test after birth and file for child support. If you refuse to put him on the birth certificate or let him be involved, then don't complain and plan to do it all on your own. It sounds like you both are being difficult and its not what is best for the child.

PP, you have a real problem with reading comprehension. Go back and read the OP of this thread.