Any moms do it all on their own?

[Anonymous]

I accidentally got pregnant from a man I was dating who has made it clear he doesn't want to be involved. He seems to have some strange idea that he can choose not sign the birth certificate, absolve himself from any legal responsibility, see the child only when it's convenient for him, and instead he'll just talk with me to give me all his parenting ideas and help me make decisions. Which is, of course, ridiculous and out of the question. Right now I'm trying to get him to give up his parental rights, since that'll make my life easier and I truly don't believe it's good for a child to have a father that comes in and out of their life on a whim.

Whether he does or not, it's clear I'm going to be doing most, if not all, of it on my own. I'm mostly excited, somewhat scared, and very sad that everything I thought I'd do with a partner I'll be doing alone.

Anyone here BTDT? What advice do you have?

Please be kind, I've heard enough criticism from people already for being a pregnant, unwed woman who should have known better and "kept her legs shut". It's hurtful and not at all helpful.

[Anonymous]

Lots of people do it alone, OP. One of my best friends is a SMBC and she seems really happy. It looks like a lot but she seems happy and content.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have any advice, OP, but I wanted to congratulate you and wish you luck. I hope you have or are able to form a good community for you and your baby. I suspect it will be both harder and more rewarding than you can imagine right now.

[Anonymous]

You can absolutely do this on your own.

I would think further about trying to get him to give up his parental rights. You are correct that it will be hard for your child to have an unreliable parent who is in and out of their life unreliably, but it is also hard to have a father who walked away entirely and your child may also blame you in part for having him sign away his rights. Unless you are independently wealthy, get a child support order in place instead.

[Anonymous]

A friend does. She has sole legal and physical custody after a six year attempt to coparent. Well, at least she attempted. The guy never really tried. He made demands. Didn’t want his name on the BC if the boy wasn’t a junior. So she named him junior. Didn’t want to pay CS if she was going to use daycare so she had to cobble together sitters just so she could work. And even then, he’d only write a check every 5-6 months to keep her from filing. He would promise to visit and not show up. Eventually she needed to move and he didn’t fight her on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can absolutely do this on your own.

I would think further about trying to get him to give up his parental rights. You are correct that it will be hard for your child to have an unreliable parent who is in and out of their life unreliably, but it is also hard to have a father who walked away entirely and your child may also blame you in part for having him sign away his rights. Unless you are independently wealthy, get a child support order in place instead.

One of his exact lines to me was “how great for you to have another income stream”. He really, REALLY does not want to pay child support. I don’t know exactly how much he makes, but I don’t think it’s much, so I doubt I would get that much from him anyway. My family is fairly well-off and willing to help, so money won’t be too much of an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can absolutely do this on your own.

I would think further about trying to get him to give up his parental rights. You are correct that it will be hard for your child to have an unreliable parent who is in and out of their life unreliably, but it is also hard to have a father who walked away entirely and your child may also blame you in part for having him sign away his rights. Unless you are independently wealthy, get a child support order in place instead.

One of his exact lines to me was “how great for you to have another income stream”. He really, REALLY does not want to pay child support. I don’t know exactly how much he makes, but I don’t think it’s much, so I doubt I would get that much from him anyway. My family is fairly well-off and willing to help, so money won’t be too much of an issue.

This is really not a choice he gets to make. I would get a child support in place as well. That is your child's $. I also would want to leave open the door for your child to have a relationship with him. Don't assume your kid won't miss him or that he won't have lifelong abandonment issues.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would definitely look up your local SMC (single moms by choice) group! Most of them got pregnant/adopted with the intention of not giving the sperm donor parental rights, so the situation is a bit different but they can definitely talk to you about doing it totally alone. (And yes, it’s totally doable; most of us are really happy with our choices.)

[Anonymous]

Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

It still messes a child up to have one parent who didn't want them. That is written in your bones and never, ever goes away.

[Anonymous]

I would get a child support agreement - you don't want your child romanticizing this clown and blaming you.

My mom had a custody and child support agreement with my dad after they divorced (he wanted virtually nothing to do with us) - his family tried to convince me that my mom was "keeping us from him" - total bs. I saw through it by the time I was seven, and never had any illusions that he was better than he was. It was painful and probably messed me up somewhat, but the worst would have been imagining he was great guy. He wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

It still messes a child up to have one parent who didn't want them. That is written in your bones and never, ever goes away.

If that child is you, you need to be more resilient and not wallow in self-pity. You can't go through life defining yourself based on other people's stupid choices.

[Anonymous]

Yes you can "do it all on your own" but that kind of thinking is setting yourself up for failure. Use your family and friends. Line up childcare. And then backup childcare and back up to the back up. Find a good family law attorney. You need a village OP

[Anonymous]

Get child support. You don’t know what the future holds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course you can do it! Ditch him, have him sign away his rights and be free of him. Raise your child in a loving environment.

It still messes a child up to have one parent who didn't want them. That is written in your bones and never, ever goes away.

Living with your dad doesn’t mean he won’t mess them up.