Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

[Anonymous]

Funny how in this thread people tell OP to hire a nanny + housekeeper + cook, or multiple staff, yet in another DCUM thread a SAHM is being told her tasks can't possibly be that demanding or valuable to her long hours spouse.

OP, there is no magic solution. The options are the same.

Outsource more, which involves hiring and managing more people, but takes some stuff off your plate. Posters have had good suggestions about hiring a single housekeeper+cook+errand person, supposedly at ~$15k/year for PT work.
Find a way for you BOTH to reduce your hours (or at least yourself). Others in law have suggested this is possible.
Get your husband to pick up even a small amount of slack. Not a complete solution for your situation - but necessary in any case.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

We used to have this balance. DH used to work 40 hours and I worked 30. We had a HHI of about $300-400k back then. That was a decade ago.

Now DH makes $1.5m and I’m a SAHM of 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

We used to have this balance. DH used to work 40 hours and I worked 30. We had a HHI of about $300-400k back then. That was a decade ago.

Now DH makes $1.5m and I’m a SAHM of 3.

Sounds like a downgrade…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

We used to have this balance. DH used to work 40 hours and I worked 30. We had a HHI of about $300-400k back then. That was a decade ago.

Now DH makes $1.5m and I’m a SAHM of 3.

Sounds like a downgrade…

DP. My first instinct is to agree but it depends on the age of the kids. Full-time parenting of young kids is tough and less you have help. But if the kids are school age that doesn’t sound so bad. PP who posted this can you talk about your lifestyle changes and what your thoughts are

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

We used to have this balance. DH used to work 40 hours and I worked 30. We had a HHI of about $300-400k back then. That was a decade ago.

Now DH makes $1.5m and I’m a SAHM of 3.

I'm in the same boat as the first two PP's (equal jobs, same hours, similar pay, both do half of everything kid-related), and honestly, although I guess I'd love the money, your situation sounds awful to me. I assume your husband has to work a lot to make that kind of money? I love spending time with my spouse (it's literally the reason I married him!), so the idea of him working 60 hours a week and also maybe working weekends sounds terrible, even if it meant more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not sustainable. One of you will have to rethink your job and/or you will need to reorganize your expenses so you can live on less. Why do you need two full blast incomes to sustain your lifestyle?

Yes, this. Not to be too dramatic OP, but you may look back and regret missing so much of your children’s growing up years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, "having it all" means both parents are equally engaged at work and at home, because my personal ideal is a household where everythiing is more or less balanced. But I'm not cut out to be a SAHM - I wouldn't enjoy it. I also don't want to work 12 hours/day at my office. So my husband and I are both in 40 hr/week jobs and we're both (or neither) the primary parent.

There are other versions of "having it all" but clearly the OP doesn't feel like she has it all.

This is our family too. It's really nice, but hard to find two nice careers like that, much less two that pay enough to live in expensive areas. I consider us very fortunate!

We used to have this balance. DH used to work 40 hours and I worked 30. We had a HHI of about $300-400k back then. That was a decade ago.

Now DH makes $1.5m and I’m a SAHM of 3.

Sounds like a downgrade…

DP. My first instinct is to agree but it depends on the age of the kids. Full-time parenting of young kids is tough and less you have help. But if the kids are school age that doesn’t sound so bad. PP who posted this can you talk about your lifestyle changes and what your thoughts are

Yeah but OTOH, school-aged kids are more influenced by this retrograde lifestyle. “Daddy has the big important job and Mommy supervises the maids”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how in this thread people tell OP to hire a nanny + housekeeper + cook, or multiple staff, yet in another DCUM thread a SAHM is being told her tasks can't possibly be that demanding or valuable to her long hours spouse.

OP, there is no magic solution. The options are the same.

Outsource more, which involves hiring and managing more people, but takes some stuff off your plate. Posters have had good suggestions about hiring a single housekeeper+cook+errand person, supposedly at ~$15k/year for PT work.
Find a way for you BOTH to reduce your hours (or at least yourself). Others in law have suggested this is possible.
Get your husband to pick up even a small amount of slack. Not a complete solution for your situation - but necessary in any case.

Good luck!

PP here who has a housekeeper + cook + errand person. I never understand this sentiment either. Or when people ask what a SAHM with elementary school aged kids does all day. My housekeeper works 20 hours/week, and she works the whole time she is here. And I would imagine that a SAHM would also need to do all of the scheduling, planning, kid doctor appointments, etc. Plus, it seems reasonable that she would have a little break or time to work out sometimes

Anyway, i absolutely agree that a SAHM would be valuable to a long hours spouse. I'm pretty sure that OP wishes she had a wife who subscribed to traditional gender roles!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

Huh. I didn't see it that way. But it does sound to me like she has a family dinner with the babysitter instead of her DH every night. I hope she likes the babysitter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

Huh. I didn't see it that way. But it does sound to me like she has a family dinner with the babysitter instead of her DH every night. I hope she likes the babysitter!

I didn't assume she does family dinner. What's the point of a babysitter until 8pm every night if this PP gets home at 5:30? I don't understand.

Also, the things she so easily dismisses, like hounding the kids about their worksheets, is part of parenting. It's part of being a family. People who dismiss the mundane don't realize how much of life is in that space, and how much you miss when you don't have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

Huh. I didn't see it that way. But it does sound to me like she has a family dinner with the babysitter instead of her DH every night. I hope she likes the babysitter!

I didn't assume she does family dinner. What's the point of a babysitter until 8pm every night if this PP gets home at 5:30? I don't understand.

Also, the things she so easily dismisses, like hounding the kids about their worksheets, is part of parenting. It's part of being a family. People who dismiss the mundane don't realize how much of life is in that space, and how much you miss when you don't have it.

I would assume that she needs some help managing three kids dinner/bath after a long day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

Huh. I didn't see it that way. But it does sound to me like she has a family dinner with the babysitter instead of her DH every night. I hope she likes the babysitter!

I didn't assume she does family dinner. What's the point of a babysitter until 8pm every night if this PP gets home at 5:30? I don't understand.

Also, the things she so easily dismisses, like hounding the kids about their worksheets, is part of parenting. It's part of being a family. People who dismiss the mundane don't realize how much of life is in that space, and how much you miss when you don't have it.

I’m the first poster. I spend an hour with them in the morning and then 2-3 in the evening, then all weekend. Yes, the biggest downside is that our sitter eats with us instead of my husband most weekdays. Our sitter helps clean up after dinner, getting the kids stuff packed for the next day, and helps me in making sure the kids are getting through the bedtime routine. My husband sees them for 2-3 hours in the morning and then an hour in the evening, plus most of the weekend. He does sacrifice, but it’s worth literally having everything we could want and never having to worry about money for retirement, college, etc.

I don’t miss hounding them about worksheets, cleaning up their dishes, and packing their backpacks even if that is part of “parenting.” I did it for a really long time before we could afford help. Our sitter does that while I spend quality time with them. It’s much better this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I leave for work at 6am and get home around 5:30pm, and my husband is in big law so long hours every day. We are expecting our 4th kid. Our kids are in school/preschool all day then we have a sitter who works from 4-8pm. We also have a housekeeper who comes twice a week. I’m perfectly happy with the set up. My husband makes a lot of money so that neither of us has to do housework beyond light picking up, and I have my dream career plus the big(ish) family I wanted. I wouldn’t want to give up the money or personal fulfillment for the additional 1-2 hours per day doing housework and hounding the kids about their worksheets or picking up their socks, but that’s just me. Maybe things will change when they are in middle school.

This can’t possibly be real. You spend… an hour? At the most? Per day with your kids during the week, and you’re pregnant with your fourth child? Sweet Jesus.

I had the same sentiment but didn’t want to say it. Why did you choose to have a fourth PP?

Huh. I didn't see it that way. But it does sound to me like she has a family dinner with the babysitter instead of her DH every night. I hope she likes the babysitter!

I didn't assume she does family dinner. What's the point of a babysitter until 8pm every night if this PP gets home at 5:30? I don't understand.

Also, the things she so easily dismisses, like hounding the kids about their worksheets, is part of parenting. It's part of being a family. People who dismiss the mundane don't realize how much of life is in that space, and how much you miss when you don't have it.

I’m the first poster. I spend an hour with them in the morning and then 2-3 in the evening, then all weekend. Yes, the biggest downside is that our sitter eats with us instead of my husband most weekdays. Our sitter helps clean up after dinner, getting the kids stuff packed for the next day, and helps me in making sure the kids are getting through the bedtime routine. My husband sees them for 2-3 hours in the morning and then an hour in the evening, plus most of the weekend. He does sacrifice, but it’s worth literally having everything we could want and never having to worry about money for retirement, college, etc.

I don’t miss hounding them about worksheets, cleaning up their dishes, and packing their backpacks even if that is part of “parenting.” I did it for a really long time before we could afford help. Our sitter does that while I spend quality time with them. It’s much better this way.

How do you spend an hour with them in the morning if you leave for work at 6am?

But yeah, different strokes and all that. I wouldn’t want to outsource that much of my parenting life (and I sure as hell wouldn’t have a fourth kid if I already did so much outsourcing) to have everything I could want. It’s just stuff.

So there you have it, OP: be rich and outsource. That’s how it works with parents who both work long hours.