If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

So what do you expect the HD spouse to do? Accept celibacy or near-celibacy?

No, I expect them to understand that my drive is not what it was and that it is probably not going all the way back there. And that when I have sex I do not enjoy it as much as I did before. If you can't do that, then just be honest and divorce me so you can go find someone to act like a rabbit with.

Translation: "deal with it, you animal."

It's one thing to have a unfixably low desire. But it's another to regard your spouse's libido dismissively. The first one may be largely out of your control. The second is a choice. And if you're dismissive about the importance of sex to the marriage (assuming you don't have an asexual spouse), you're never going to have a happy marriage. Even if you are unable to have sex with your spouse, you can at least show your spouse that you understand that it's a Big Deal.

I HAVE shown my spouse that I understood. What I didn't get for the longest time was any understanding of MY position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

So what do you expect the HD spouse to do? Accept celibacy or near-celibacy?

No, I expect them to understand that my drive is not what it was and that it is probably not going all the way back there. And that when I have sex I do not enjoy it as much as I did before. If you can't do that, then just be honest and divorce me so you can go find someone to act like a rabbit with.

Translation: "deal with it, you animal."

It's one thing to have a unfixably low desire. But it's another to regard your spouse's libido dismissively. The first one may be largely out of your control. The second is a choice. And if you're dismissive about the importance of sex to the marriage (assuming you don't have an asexual spouse), you're never going to have a happy marriage. Even if you are unable to have sex with your spouse, you can at least show your spouse that you understand that it's a Big Deal.

I HAVE shown my spouse that I understood. What I didn't get for the longest time was any understanding of MY position.

You use the term "withholding" repeatedly in this thread, which indicates that you do not understand. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

Stop saying you have a sexless marriage. You have sex 1-2 times/month. That is not as much as you would like. We get it. But that's far from sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

Look lady, you obviously have issues and some anger probably at your DH. Since I'm sure (mostly) that you ARN'T my DW, stop pretending to know and speak like what you're saying is FACT in MY situation.

I'm not pretending to speak for you wife. I'm saying maybe you should ask her. She may have issues like this that you don't know about.

Well, I must have mis-interpreted your tone above then......... So you know, I did ask, she said it didn't hurt.

OP, not every response is directed at you at this point, but at some of the PP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's awful and guess what? For some of us that never goes away. Ever. It makes sex far less pleasant than it was before, frankly. I know the HD people on here will basically be of the position that you should suck it up because it's "your duty" or whatever, but yeah, if you bothered to ask you'd know this shit.

So what do you expect the HD spouse to do? Accept celibacy or near-celibacy?

No, I expect them to understand that my drive is not what it was and that it is probably not going all the way back there. And that when I have sex I do not enjoy it as much as I did before. If you can't do that, then just be honest and divorce me so you can go find someone to act like a rabbit with.

Translation: "deal with it, you animal."

It's one thing to have a unfixably low desire. But it's another to regard your spouse's libido dismissively. The first one may be largely out of your control. The second is a choice. And if you're dismissive about the importance of sex to the marriage (assuming you don't have an asexual spouse), you're never going to have a happy marriage. Even if you are unable to have sex with your spouse, you can at least show your spouse that you understand that it's a Big Deal.

I HAVE shown my spouse that I understood. What I didn't get for the longest time was any understanding of MY position.

You use the term "withholding" repeatedly in this thread, which indicates that you do not understand. Not at all.

You are confusing me with another poster. I have not ever used the term withholding in a single one of my posts here, thank you. I'm not a passive-aggressive person like that - I've been bluntly honest with my spouse since the day my child was born and before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?

Are you willing to meet halfway? I.e. accept a decreased frequency of sex and/or make accomodations to help your spouse? Or do you just want to complain about your situation and blame your spouse 100%?

I have sex once a month now. How much more do you want me to decrease? PLease tell me. Shall I go once every 2 months?

Go ask your spouse. I expect nothing from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.

I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well

So you resent the baby then?

No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.

Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.

Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."

No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.

Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."

So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?

The question of who wanted the baby is NEVER relevant. This is their CHILD. He exists and OP is his father. Any look-back to who wanted this child and how much is unproductive, hurtful, and IMMATURE.

Agreed. OP, how do you think your child would feel one day knowing how you have spoken about this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?

Are you willing to meet halfway? I.e. accept a decreased frequency of sex and/or make accomodations to help your spouse? Or do you just want to complain about your situation and blame your spouse 100%?

I have sex once a month now. How much more do you want me to decrease? PLease tell me. Shall I go once every 2 months?

Go ask your spouse. I expect nothing from you.

You did ask me a question right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with 10:19. Your wife has sacrificed her body, her sleep, her mental energy, her emotional well to ensure the survival and well-being of your babies. Your sacrifice--several years of less sex.

I'd throw in that SHE wanted #2 but....oh well

So you resent the baby then?

No I don't. While I was necessary in producing #2, I made it clear that I wasn't looking forward to being in that stage of parenthood again. That stage where the mother lacks sleep and you have even less sex than normal.

Does anyone look forward to the lack of sleep and difficulties associated with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.

Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."

No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.

Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."

So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?

Really?

Really? Yeah, *really,* you passive aggressive twit. Did you really have to type "really"? If you're going to devalue his side of things on the pretense that she's "sacrificing" for him, then you have to address whether the sacrifice was for him. The better practice would be not to turn her into some kind of martyr. But that ship has sailed.

WTF is wrong with you PP? No one has said anywhere in this exchange that OP's wife is a martyr. These responses are directed toward his statement that he "didn't want to be in this stage of parenthood again and have less sex." PP and others - me included - are simply saying that if that was the case, HE should have been honest about it and not had another child. Saying this does not mean we think OP's wife is a martyr, it means we think that OP was a jerk to even type that. ARe you dense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.

Yes, you are back to being ass-y. If you didn't want the impact on your life, you should have been honest and said you didn't want another child. Did you expect any different? What did you think was going to happen? That because you told her you weren't looking forward to it she should have steeled herself to screw you more often anyway?

OK, you wish upon me to not only be sexually frustrated but add to that a resentful wife for not giving her a 2nd child.

OP, don't put words in my mouth. Get off of DCUM now and go find yourself a therapist, stat. You have bigger issues than sex or lack thereof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posting this again since the formatting was screwed up:

I would like to know what you HD people would like us to do to increase our desire? I mean really, tell me. If it was within my control I would do it. Porn doesn't do it for me.

It's common that the LD spouse is not bothered by the lack of sex. It's common that the HD spouse is very aggitated at the lack of sex. Who should give up the ground? The one who is not feeling bothered or the frustrated one?

At least meet half way since it's 50% your duty to right?

Are you willing to meet halfway? I.e. accept a decreased frequency of sex and/or make accomodations to help your spouse? Or do you just want to complain about your situation and blame your spouse 100%?

I have sex once a month now. How much more do you want me to decrease? PLease tell me. Shall I go once every 2 months?

Go ask your spouse. I expect nothing from you.

You did ask me a question right?

You answered my question with a question that I cannot answer for you. Plain and simple. Seriously -go ask your damn spouse. I can't answer that for you. I expect nothing from you. What else do you want me to say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

DW here. I couldn't wait more than 4 weeks after childbirth to resume sexual relationships. Wasn't painful, just a little uncomfortable at first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Come on now. I wouldn't have sex if she was in PAIN!!!! Sheesh. We've had sex twice since #2 arrived. Both times were painless!

Sorry, OP. I just don't believe this. About 90% of women I know had significant discomfort - even if not PAIN with capital letters - the first times they had sex after childbirth, and certainly if the sex is within the first 2-3 mos. (And I'm betting I've talked to about 2 dozen more ladies about this than you.) Either your DW doesn't feel like she can communicate this to you or you aren't willing to listen . "Painless"??? Whatever. You guys have serious issues.

DW here. I couldn't wait more than 4 weeks after childbirth to resume sexual relationships. Wasn't painful, just a little uncomfortable at first.

Congratulations. So you are one person, and you don't speak for other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: with newborns?

Seriously, OP? You sound like a 13yo boy.

Yes, you are back to being ass-y. If you didn't want the impact on your life, you should have been honest and said you didn't want another child. Did you expect any different? What did you think was going to happen? That because you told her you weren't looking forward to it she should have steeled herself to screw you more often anyway?

OK, you wish upon me to not only be sexually frustrated but add to that a resentful wife for not giving her a 2nd child.

OP, don't put words in my mouth. Get off of DCUM now and go find yourself a therapist, stat. You have bigger issues than sex or lack thereof.

+1

OP, the fact is, you have two children, however that came to be. It sounds like you have various issues around that fact and your relationship with your wife.

Find a therapist and get to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ah, and now we're back to "wanting sex is immature."

No, that's not what I said. I do think that bringing up the issue of whether this baby was 100% wanted is immature.

Well, I think the question of who wanted the baby became relevant when someone above seemed to be suggesting that his desire for sex was somehow less legitimate because his wife "sacrificed" for the baby. It wasn't a sacrifice *for* him. So it's not exactly an even trade. If she was the driving force in baby #2, the exchange was more like "I want a baby, and it's going to mean I don't want sex as much, so I also want you to have less sex."
So it is acceptable among mature adults to determine who in a couple "wanted" their child more and to use that information in a conversation like this?
Really?
The question of who wanted the baby is NEVER relevant. This is their CHILD. He exists and OP is his father. Any look-back to who wanted this child and how much is unproductive, hurtful, and IMMATURE.

Agreed. OP, how do you think your child would feel one day knowing how you have spoken about this situation?

OP here. What situation? What exactly would my child get to know in the distant future?