AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have an odd dis-attachment to the process of raising kids. Such as, suggesting you hire a total stranger in some distant locale to mind your children for a whole day. Just go on the website, and pick someone. To mind the most precious in your life. That's just insanity. My kids are grown, and there is no way I would have ever left them with a total stranger I've met for a total of 10 minutes online or in person. Nope.

OP, stand your ground. You're a good momma.

Gag.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

Lol maybe because it’s a suggestion for another set of internet randos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday or wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.

New poster here. There is something wrong with you.

I will remind you she has a 1yo and 3yo at home. Why do a marathon now? Why is that such a priority? This is the most confusing part of the story here for me.

There are many women who want to get into exercise after childbirth to try and get back into shape and to lose the weight that childbirth adds to many women's bodies.

Also, a woman who leaves the workforce to become a SAHM often needs something to do for themselves as a break from childcare. Exercise serves that role for many young mothers. So, they get their breaks from children and go out running. Then once it works well for them, they want to keep running and push themselves to achieve more. A marathon s a pipe dream for many people of any age and it becomes a goal to achieve. Why try for the marathon now? Because in 4-5 years when her children will be entering the school-age years, she may want to go back to work and so this 5 year window between birth and school-age is the optimal window for many women to do something like this. Once her children enter school and she returns to work and she gets tied up with chaufferring her children around to various activities and such, it may be harder to find the time to train as much as is needed and to have the time to go to the events.

It's not unusual for mothers to find time while they are SAH to do something like this for themselves.

It’s outrageous that it’s 2023 and this has to be explained to this throwback from 1950.

I think the confusion is actually around SAH mom culture from people used to dual working families. So probably the opposite of what you said.

What???

I would have assumed a mom with young kids would have returned to work first before training for a marathon. Just makes more sense based on my circles. So training for a marathon would have serious trade offs, just like it would for any full time working parent with very young kids.

Who cares? None of this makes OP an AH in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

[Anonymous]

The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

Yes! If you're merely a guest you can say no. It doesn't matter why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

There a big gap between internet and picking caregivers up at bars. To each their own, but spamming this thread with this particular website is annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

It’s different than care.com

I can assure you that seekingsitters does a better job vetting sitters than most daycares, and definitely a better job than your neighbor or whoever you feel is so trustworthy.

This is starting to be like the realtors posting in the Real Estate threads. Enough already. I’m not getting one-off child care for my kids from an internet rando.

Ha! I know it sounds like that.
It’s just been really helpful for me in the past, both at home and when traveling.
I get your anxiety, but most of us have to trust someone else with the care of our children sometimes.

Trusting someone else to care for my kids does not equal trusting someone off the internet to care for my kids, I don’t care what site it is.

How do you find your caregivers? I have used nanny agencies that I found online, and they have found applicants online. I have user daycare that I found their caregivers through internet applications.
Are you picking up caregivers in bars or something?

DP. Obviously “off the internet” means a one-off where you have no real way to vet, like a one-time sitter from care.com in an area you don’t know.

I use sites like care.com as a tool but much different to use it to find sitters in my neighborhood who likely have local references. Eg I hired a wonderful regular sitter off care who worked at the local elementary school. But I would never rely on care.com for a one night sitter in a different city.

[Anonymous]

I guess BIL wife should cancel her marathon and watch her own kids or they find a babysitter that is not op. Not ops problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The care.com etc is such a red herring.

No one is obligated to go to a wedding other than the bride, groom, officiant and two witnesses.

No one else is required to show up. Hosts can make it easier in hopes of maximizing who can attend or harder in hopes of minimizing the list.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that Op is obligated to go. Just that BIL isn’t a horrific monster who doesn’t care about his children just because he wants to hire a babysitter so he can go to the wedding.

There wouldn't be a thread of BIL would just hire a babysitter. The point is that he isn't willing to do that himself for some unknown reason.