17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

OP, 99% of us on this thread hear you. I'm sorry there seems to be a nasty troll on here who doesn't care to read or comprehend your posts and insists you are doing all sorts of misdeeds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

It is and yes he can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

It is and yes he can.

OP here: in my state, a child cannot make the final/unilateral decision until they are 18. That’s why I’m in this conundrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does Dad show up for anything?

OP here: yes, he goes to a few football games each season, but not all.

He sporadically goes to band concerts, but usually can’t or won’t make it during the work week.

We haven’t really had parent teacher conferences since elementary school, so it’s been a long time since he’s been to those.

I can’t think of anything else. He complains a lot about the driving (which is annoying because he’s the one who moved…). He would never, ever drive DS to a friend’s house or anything like that on “his” weekend.

My ex does seem to want to spend time with DS, but only at his house and on his terms. He would never drive down here just for a midweek dinner with DS or something like that.

You ex doesn’t want a relationship with DS where he has to put in the work. But you already know that.

OP here: sure, those thoughts have crossed my mind.

But it doesn’t matter if I think my ex is not always a stellar father, or that I think he could do things better/differently. He’s still my DS’s dad, and there’s still a court order that has to be followed until spring.

If my ex seeks an emergency hearing over this, I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll have to represent myself pro se, I guess. The thought of it makes me sick.

As others have said, this is between dad and his son. Let dad deal with this. He can’t make him get in the car anymore than you can. I’d take my chances and let ex file the emergency hearing. I’d deal with it once the court date was set.

No, its between the two parents. Dad already compromised and reduced the schedule. If child doesn't follow the rules there needs to be consequences. If kid doesn't want to go to school, you just say ok? Doesn't want to shower or do homework, that's ok?

He did not compromise. He refused to take his son to practice on Saturday. On his day he is responsible for taking DS to school and other social activities if the kid doesn’t have a car.

Dad get less than 48 hours with the child at a time twice a month. The kid should not be going to a party on dads time. Sports practice, yes. Party or friends no.

Who is dictating that dad gets less than 48 hours with the child twice a month? OP has not said that that is the only time dad is allowed to spend with the child. It seems that dad is welcome to spend more time with the child if he wants. He could pick him up after practice and go to dinner; pick him up after work and talk about his day; offer to host son and his friends; or do any of the other activities that mom does.

How do you think mom is currently engaging with her son? She is working around his schedule and his activities. Why should dad be any different?

If the kid is refusing to fit dad into his social schedule, you think he'd agree to different? Mom needs to be a parent and enforce the visit just like she does school and other things. Its two nights a month.

Why not call up the kid and ask?

agree. Mom is asking son what the issue is and how it can be resolved. She is acting like a parent to a 17yr old. I don’t know how you enforce 17 yr old to do something they don’t want to. Please provide specific techniques that will get a 17yr old to comply. Hint—it’s not taking away their electronics or picking them up and buckling them in the car. You can tell them they have to go, you can bribe them to go, you can make home life miserable is they don’t go but there really isn’t anything that I know of that can force a 17yr old to do something they don’t want to. Happy to have you provide specific ways to guarantee compliance and prove me wrong.

Why isn’t dad asking his son what the issue is and how it can be resolved? Why isn’t dad acting like a parent of a 17yr old.

Because "Dad," and I use the term loosely, is a piece of sh$@ control freak who clearly doesn't want to do any actual parenting and is hanging on to this last tiny bit of tormenting control with his ex. Seen this movie too many times. Hell, I've been in this movie. I'm sorry OP. It's awful. Do what you're doing to hold your breath until your son turns 18, and keep working on them to work it out themselves. And really, you can be honest with your kid about the dynamic without poisoning the well. I know you already know that.

Amazing how you don't know anything about dad except he will not cave in to the kid's temper tantrum and you are calling him all kinds of names and every thing else. There are two sides to the story and we don't know how much dad was willing or not willing just what mom is saying and she may not have allowed/wanted his involvement. Its two nights a month. Any mom who would say a child partying is more important than seeing their other parent has some serious issues.

He is acting like a parent. He is setting firm boundaries and Mom is sabotaging them.

OP here: this is BS.

I have explained to my son over and over the importance of seeing his dad - both because I actually (genuinely!) do want them to have a relationship, but also because of what the court order requires. I do not think parties are more important than his father.

DS’s response is that if his dad lived closer, he could still see friends/participate in school-related stuff on weekends AND be able to see his dad easily. He says over and over again “I don’t want to be 80 miles from my entire life two weekends a month anymore.” He very much feels like it’s his dad’s fault for choosing to move far away from his life. This wasn’t an issue when he was younger, but it started to become an issue in high school. Now that he is a senior, he says he is “just done.” I’ve told him he can’t be “just done” until he is 18, but DS won’t listen.

Also, I never would have stopped or prevented my ex from seeing my son whenever he wanted to during the week, or even on my weekends, if he’d wanted to drive down here for lunch or dinner or whatever. I have never prevented my ex from seeing my son.

It is and yes he can.

OP here: in my state, a child cannot make the final/unilateral decision until they are 18. That’s why I’m in this conundrum.

Legally no but physically yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

It doesn’t sound like your sons reasons for not wanting to go to dad has anything to do with physical abuse. The therapist might be good to 1) have a neutral party for your son to discuss this with and 2) show that you are actively trying to find a solution to this issue. If needed the therapist could testify that yes, son doesn’t want to go.

[Anonymous]

Why is it the mom's responsibility? Dad can get his lazy butt in the car and go get his kid.

This dad is a real piece of work. Total POS.

Hope the son ghosts him the minute he turns 18.

[Anonymous]

Can you get the pickup and drop off reversed? Let dad pick him up on Friday and you bring him back on Sunday.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing you can do. Encourage your ex to workit out with your kid directly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

He goes twice a month for one or two nights. That is not an unreasonable expectation. You tell him he’s going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

He goes twice a month for one or two nights. That is not an unreasonable expectation. You tell him he’s going.

I think a better alternative is for Dad to come to where his son lives twice a month to visit and spend time. Why should a 17-year-old have to put up with all that travel? He's sick of it and wants his life. That's not being spoiled or unreasonable. It's great Dad wants to be involved; he should just make a different kind of effort. He can stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

He goes twice a month for one or two nights. That is not an unreasonable expectation. You tell him he’s going.

I think a better alternative is for Dad to come to where his son lives twice a month to visit and spend time. Why should a 17-year-old have to put up with all that travel? He's sick of it and wants his life. That's not being spoiled or unreasonable. It's great Dad wants to be involved; he should just make a different kind of effort. He can stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

He is not a family friend he is dad and two to four nights is reasonable for the kid to be at his house. Seeing your kid for dinner two nights a month is not a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From an attorney website:

IN INSTANCES OF A CHILD REFUSAL’S, THERE ARE A FEW OPTIONS PARENTS CAN TAKE.
1. WHEN YOUR CHILD REFUSES TO VISIT WITH THE OTHER PARENT, DOCUMENT YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ADHERE TO THE CUSTODY SCHEDULE
First, the custodial parent should document every step he or she takes to adhere to the schedule. Record dates and times your child refuses and the circumstances surrounding the refusal. Record your attempts to have the child honor the custody schedule. In the case of older children, record attempts to discuss possible consequences from refusals and the possibility that the custody order can be altered to even greater detriment. List every concern or development that results in your inability to adhere to the schedule.

2. HIRE A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST TO REVIEW AND EVALUATE YOUR CHILD’S REASONS FOR THE REFUSAL
psychologist talking to child regarding refusal to visit parent
Second, hire a child psychologist or therapist, and have the child’s fears and concerns documented by someone other than yourself. Often, a child may not want to openly discuss their issues with the other parent with the custodial parent. A therapist may be able to learn more about what is the root cause of the child’s refusal. Follow through with several appointments such that firm information can be gathered. Appraise your spouse ahead of time that you will be taking the child to a therapist. Provide the therapist’s name, address and contact information. This will demonstrate a responsible attitude of cooperation and disclosure on your part.

You’ll want to have the therapist testify in court about his or her findings. The therapist will need to appear and serve as a witness at any court proceedings regarding the custody schedule. This can be expensive. However, in the court’s eyes, such testimony will provide unbiased evidence that there is a legitimate threat to the child’s well-being.

3. REQUEST THAT AN INDEPENDENT ATTORNEY REPRESENT YOUR CHILD
In extreme circumstances, one final tactic would be for the custodial parent to request that the child be appointed his or her own attorney.

OP here: I appreciate this, but I don’t see what a psychologist evaluation is going to do here. My DS isn’t being psychologically harmed by spending time with his dad. He just doesn’t want to do it on the strict schedule he has followed for the last 16 years.

He goes twice a month for one or two nights. That is not an unreasonable expectation. You tell him he’s going.

I think a better alternative is for Dad to come to where his son lives twice a month to visit and spend time. Why should a 17-year-old have to put up with all that travel? He's sick of it and wants his life. That's not being spoiled or unreasonable. It's great Dad wants to be involved; he should just make a different kind of effort. He can stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

He is not a family friend he is dad and two to four nights is reasonable for the kid to be at his house. Seeing your kid for dinner two nights a month is not a parent.

Alienating your kid to make a point is not being a good parent either. Being a parent is also recognizing that your child has needs outside your own and the older they get (almost 18) may require you to be more flexible in your schedule.

How many times is the kid going to voluntarily see his dad after spring? Way to go DAD - hope you proved your "point".