DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

They had a setup where they fit PT childcare into their budget and schedules, based on their combined earnings, that sounds like it was working OK.

OP is the one who wanted to make a major change to the schedule to take on a "dream job." This increased the need for childcare. It seems to me that as the one wanting to make the change, OP should be responsible for increasing earnings to cover it. I don't get why this is the husband's "fair share" - he's not the one who wanted to make the change. This isn't about whose salary it comes out of, it's about taking your family needs into account with career decisions.

PS I'm a DW working a "compromise" job in a lot of ways so I can pay our household bills and benefits to support my husband working a "dream" job. I've already walked away from MY "dream jobs" twice for the stability of our family. If he wanted to do something that didn't even pay for childcare so we'd basically have to work split shifts for a few years, that would be a hard no for me. People need to grow up. We don't all get all our dreams at the expense of other people's.

So only the husband gets to fulfill his dreams by exploiting his wife for unpaid labor (childcare) No in an equal marriage there may be seasons where one person sacrifices for the other as OP has done for her husband but there comes a time where the other person must do the same for the person who sacrificed first. Her husband needs to step up. Period.

If one person is doing ALL the compromising it’s not an equal marriage. Op should not be a doormat for her husband. (She should negotiate for better pay at her job but that is another issue.)

What compromising was the OP doing? I see a ton of compromises made by her DH, and OP doing exactly what she wants to do at every phase of her life.

She's the one who wanted multiple kids that disrupted the family dynamic - they got them.

She's the one who got to stay home with the kids she wanted and work PT.

Now she's the one who's working her dream job.

Meanwhile, her DH has presumably a run of the mill job (i.e., not "dream job"), more kids than he wants in a way that is making him objectively unhappy, he's responsible for paying the bills, and he has to handle all household responsibilities after the work day. I see a guy who has made a lot of compromises, so his wife can do pretty much everything she wants without contributing any cash or labor to the household.

OP has said that they prioritized his career for a decade. That is a BIG compromise.

Oh come on. Op said she was freelancing from home for 10 years. Didn't say she compromised her career for DH. I'd assume she was enjoying the best of all worlds for that 10 year period. I haven't seen OP suggest once that she's ever had to do anything she didn't want to do - her job, her stay home, her kids.

She wrote that she's so happy after a decade of putting his career first. That pretty much says she compromised her own work sanctification for his. There would be no "putting his career first" statement if she had felt fulfilled with her own. She also compromised on the number of kids as well. So in NO way has she always been getting what she wanted. Not to mention she also has to handle household responsibilities in addition to a full work day. The difference is she's an adult and is not whining about it.

I know plenty of SAHM's by choice who will give a big sigh and tell you all about how much they are sacrificing for their family. We have no idea if OP is that type or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are discussions and decisions made prior to marriage.

So your advice to OP is "invent time travel"?

OP - I am cracking up here. I think this advice is pretty ridiculous because you can't predict where 2 careers will take you. We got together before we had careers or knew what they would be (were in college), talked a lot about what life might look like, but we can't tell the future. We've moved around a lot, had different jobs/career moves, no way I could have known at age 19 what professional paths he and I might follow.

If you say, "Well, that's why you shouldn't marry young," I guess so. But, contrary to many assumptions in this thread, we love each other and it's been a pretty good decade and a half so far.

After dutifully reading 20 pages of this thread, I think the sad reality is that there are no good guys or bad guys here. Just two people who both want to pursue careers that don't pay well (though his pays better than mine for sure) while also being the secondary parent. It doesn't work. Someone has to either earn a lot of money or stay at home with the kids. Or we have to sacrifice on where we live, travel, eating out, etc to funnel that money to childcare.

I don't think it makes either of us "the bad guy" if we prefer that the other person makes the sacrifices. I think it just makes us human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....? Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that,

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night. There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn. But that's not what it sounds like is happening here. DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare. That's not a healthy setup for anyone. Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job. Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours. Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job. She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate.

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB. Not a real job.

+1

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)

They had a setup where they fit PT childcare into their budget and schedules, based on their combined earnings, that sounds like it was working OK.

OP is the one who wanted to make a major change to the schedule to take on a "dream job." This increased the need for childcare. It seems to me that as the one wanting to make the change, OP should be responsible for increasing earnings to cover it. I don't get why this is the husband's "fair share" - he's not the one who wanted to make the change. This isn't about whose salary it comes out of, it's about taking your family needs into account with career decisions.

PS I'm a DW working a "compromise" job in a lot of ways so I can pay our household bills and benefits to support my husband working a "dream" job. I've already walked away from MY "dream jobs" twice for the stability of our family. If he wanted to do something that didn't even pay for childcare so we'd basically have to work split shifts for a few years, that would be a hard no for me. People need to grow up. We don't all get all our dreams at the expense of other people's.

So only the husband gets to fulfill his dreams by exploiting his wife for unpaid labor (childcare) No in an equal marriage there may be seasons where one person sacrifices for the other as OP has done for her husband but there comes a time where the other person must do the same for the person who sacrificed first. Her husband needs to step up. Period.

If one person is doing ALL the compromising it’s not an equal marriage. Op should not be a doormat for her husband. (She should negotiate for better pay at her job but that is another issue.)

What compromising was the OP doing? I see a ton of compromises made by her DH, and OP doing exactly what she wants to do at every phase of her life.

She's the one who wanted multiple kids that disrupted the family dynamic - they got them.

She's the one who got to stay home with the kids she wanted and work PT.

Now she's the one who's working her dream job.

Meanwhile, her DH has presumably a run of the mill job (i.e., not "dream job"), more kids than he wants in a way that is making him objectively unhappy, he's responsible for paying the bills, and he has to handle all household responsibilities after the work day. I see a guy who has made a lot of compromises, so his wife can do pretty much everything she wants without contributing any cash or labor to the household.

OP has said that they prioritized his career for a decade. That is a BIG compromise.

Oh come on. Op said she was freelancing from home for 10 years. Didn't say she compromised her career for DH. I'd assume she was enjoying the best of all worlds for that 10 year period. I haven't seen OP suggest once that she's ever had to do anything she didn't want to do - her job, her stay home, her kids.

She wrote that she's so happy after a decade of putting his career first. That pretty much says she compromised her own work sanctification for his. There would be no "putting his career first" statement if she had felt fulfilled with her own. She also compromised on the number of kids as well. So in NO way has she always been getting what she wanted. Not to mention she also has to handle household responsibilities in addition to a full work day. The difference is she's an adult and is not whining about it.

I know plenty of SAHM's by choice who will give a big sigh and tell you all about how much they are sacrificing for their family. We have no idea if OP is that type or not.

OP. I am not that type.

For the first couple years after college, we both did what we wanted. After that, it got tricky. He had an amazing opportunity and I wasn't that jazzed about my job so I followed him. Then, we were planning on having kids, so I found a flex job that paid well and allowed me to work half days and be primary parent (but was not meaningful work at all). When that org went bust, I started doing the freelancing. It was enjoyable for a while, but it wasn't what I wanted to be doing. However, I was fine with it, because I told myself I would eventually get to follow my dream.

DCUM seems to love extremes - "you're horrible!" "he's horrible!" "Your marriage is doomed!". But real life isn't like that. I didn't have the best of both worlds but it also wasn't some horrible sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

This is crazy talk. No wonder you have problems at home. Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not. You need a reality check.

+1. OP seems flat out insane. She’s apparently so vital to her company and the well-being of hundreds of ppl but gets paid so little she can’t afford even part time childcare. She’s like Milton from Office Space.

Yes, well put. OP - no job is this important. All jobs are replaceable. Somehow the founders of the company thought they could leave, but you -- a measly admin making probably $40k a year - think that you're more indispensable than they were and can't leave?

I’m not an admin. I run the whole thing now. That’s why it’s my dream job. Though your salary estimate is sadly spot on.

But I agree with the broader point that I have to work less and if it implodes, it implodes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

This is crazy talk. No wonder you have problems at home. Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not. You need a reality check.

+1. OP seems flat out insane. She’s apparently so vital to her company and the well-being of hundreds of ppl but gets paid so little she can’t afford even part time childcare. She’s like Milton from Office Space.

Yes, well put. OP - no job is this important. All jobs are replaceable. Somehow the founders of the company thought they could leave, but you -- a measly admin making probably $40k a year - think that you're more indispensable than they were and can't leave?

I’m not an admin. I run the whole thing now. That’s why it’s my dream job. Though your salary estimate is sadly spot on.

But I agree with the broader point that I have to work less and if it implodes, it implodes.

Please see a psychiatrist. You sound delusional. No, you don’t run the whole thing now! If you do, $40k pay is unacceptable. Your DH isn’t upset about the kids. He’s upset he has to do more work at home to support your grossly underpaid job that you think is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

This is crazy talk. No wonder you have problems at home. Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not. You need a reality check.

+1. OP seems flat out insane. She’s apparently so vital to her company and the well-being of hundreds of ppl but gets paid so little she can’t afford even part time childcare. She’s like Milton from Office Space.

Yes, well put. OP - no job is this important. All jobs are replaceable. Somehow the founders of the company thought they could leave, but you -- a measly admin making probably $40k a year - think that you're more indispensable than they were and can't leave?

I’m not an admin. I run the whole thing now. That’s why it’s my dream job. Though your salary estimate is sadly spot on.

But I agree with the broader point that I have to work less and if it implodes, it implodes.

That’s a low salary to work super hard. So I would cut back. However because it’s your dream, I would cut everything else back to allow for more childcare. It’s temporary. Eventually, the younger will be in school. And your DH still needs to step up.

Keep on rejecting intensive parenting!

[Anonymous]

I know that it’s difficult to predict which career paths you will take when you’re young, but once you had your first child, you knew how much it costs to raise a child. You knew how much care a small child required and how that would fit in with working. You still pushed for a second even though your family couldn’t afford it without making sacrifices. You chose to put your head in the sand about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wow, this blew up. DH and I read the responses together.

A few clarifications

(1) His parents are dead and mine struggle to handle a toddler due to bad health / physical shape. Maybe in a couple of years.
(2) I did not bully him into having the 2nd kid, it seemed like a reasonable compromise to us both at the time. We were too cerebral and mathematical in thinking about it, clearly.
(3) Both kids love him, there are lots of hugs and kisses and jumping all over him when he walks thru the door. However, we agree that soon enough they will pick up on the resentment so we can't keep going on like this.
(4) What about solo time on weekends? What about evenings?

Here, we get to what DH and I realized is the crux of the issue. We are just too overloaded.

Before, I used to freelance part-time and had more time and energy. I was the primary parent, and there was plenty of couple time in the evenings. Recently, I got a dream job which has turned out to be nearly full-time. It is nonprofit and it is exactly what I always dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I can't tell you how much I love it after a decade of putting his career first.

But there is no money. So, it means that I have to work more but we can't afford more childcare and household help. I don't have time during the day for errands, cooking, etc. I am also picking up the slack by working in the evenings (our childcare is part-time). And, my DH has had to take on household and parenting 50/50. And he hates that.

We try to teach the kids to be more polite but we are both too exhausted to parent as well as we should. I mean, the older one can entertain herself for hours and regularly does that - reading or going outside to play with neighbors. But the toddler is 2. So there's no getting around the neediness there.

Maybe we should have somehow predicted that this would happen, but we were the first of our friends to get married, much less have kids, and young women are doused in this go-getter "you can have it all" nonsense since middle school. So, we honestly thought we could both have careers we loved and kids and the help we needed.

Well toddlers are annoying and some people at the end of the day just don't want to be grabbed out and loud sounds are just miserable.
That being said, there isn't too much of a fix until the get older.
But don't make the mistake of thinking you can't use an ipad or tv to entertain them. I know a lot of parents get really hung up on that and just do yourselves a favor and don't. Your kid's brain won't rot.

I am sure your non profit job is really cool but if you keep it you will be broke. And tbh a job you always dreamed of? meh, once you are underpaid at it for a while you wont' be as thrilled with it. I know it sounds blase but get a new dream. When you decided that was your dream job years back you were a different person. Now you are a wife with 2 kids. You aren't giving up something . You are moving on.
It's normal but you are viewing it as this major life loss. Our kids are in high school now. I laugh at how silly we clung tot stuff like that in the early years.

Start low key entertaining your toddler. Ask them to go find something that is - insert thing here - and bring it to you. Then ask them again. and again. Something like hey can you bring me a teddy bear. Ok they bring you one. Ohhh wait I don't know about this teddy bear. Can you bring me another one? It keeps them occupied and it literally takes no brain power so you can do something else at the same time.

I agree with all of this.

It seems kind of odd that you and your husband are both so invested in framing this as resentment about the existence of your child when it really seems that a big part of it is resentment over your new job. You took a job that requires a lot more work with no additional income. I mean, basically, you picked up a stressful and time consuming hobby.

Why are you two both saying that it’s the kid and not the job? Is there a lot of guilt over saying that it’s the job?

OP. No, we just didn't connect the dots at first. But it's really both. I took this job AND my DH is unhappy being the primary parent. I was hoping he could step up for a few years and cover for me, which is a big ask and turns out he can't. I don't think he realized he couldn't either, until he tried it. He was always an involved and loving dad when we had 1 and I was primary parent.

We know something has got to give. I can get another job easily and learn to like it. But it's complicated because I have a team and hundreds of vulnerable students relying on me. If I leave, the entire organization will shut down, team will lose jobs in a difficult market (they are not in the US), and a lot of people will suffer. I don't mean they'll die or anything, but it would be a betrayal. I don't want to give more details because I feel like I've provided too much personal info already and anyone who knows me will recognize me from this post.

I had no idea it would be so much work and grow so fast. When I started with it, it was just a part-time, freelance project. It's taken off and grown into this monster of a thing that I can't handle on my own, but all the responsibility has been shifted onto me, initial founders exited, and there is no other "adult in the room" who can take it on.

This is crazy talk. No wonder you have problems at home. Your job is NOt that important. You clearly think it is, but it is not. You need a reality check.

+1. OP seems flat out insane. She’s apparently so vital to her company and the well-being of hundreds of ppl but gets paid so little she can’t afford even part time childcare. She’s like Milton from Office Space.

Yes, well put. OP - no job is this important. All jobs are replaceable. Somehow the founders of the company thought they could leave, but you -- a measly admin making probably $40k a year - think that you're more indispensable than they were and can't leave?

I’m not an admin. I run the whole thing now. That’s why it’s my dream job. Though your salary estimate is sadly spot on.

But I agree with the broader point that I have to work less and if it implodes, it implodes.

You ARE an admin. Not an admin assistant. But an administrator. Like a middle manager. Point being, you’re not the founder or the person running the whole thing (if you were, you wouldn’t be on salary or you’d pay yourself more). You’re not that important to this job, they will go on without you, and they are taking advantage of you. I mean, $40k a year is what people starting at target make these days, if they work 50 hours a week like you do.

But we’ve said it a million times and sounds like you don’t want to hear that your job just isn’t important. I suspect your DH knows this too, and it’s part of his frustration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are discussions and decisions made prior to marriage.

So your advice to OP is "invent time travel"?

OP - I am cracking up here. I think this advice is pretty ridiculous because you can't predict where 2 careers will take you. We got together before we had careers or knew what they would be (were in college), talked a lot about what life might look like, but we can't tell the future. We've moved around a lot, had different jobs/career moves, no way I could have known at age 19 what professional paths he and I might follow.

If you say, "Well, that's why you shouldn't marry young," I guess so. But, contrary to many assumptions in this thread, we love each other and it's been a pretty good decade and a half so far.

After dutifully reading 20 pages of this thread, I think the sad reality is that there are no good guys or bad guys here. Just two people who both want to pursue careers that don't pay well (though his pays better than mine for sure) while also being the secondary parent. It doesn't work. Someone has to either earn a lot of money or stay at home with the kids. Or we have to sacrifice on where we live, travel, eating out, etc to funnel that money to childcare.

I don't think it makes either of us "the bad guy" if we prefer that the other person makes the sacrifices. I think it just makes us human.

No, someone doesn’t have to either stay home or earn a lot of money. OP are you being so obtuse for a reason? Your job is not a dream job, and sure as hell not a dream “career”. If you got a typically desk job paying 2022 salaries, you and DH would be fine. You could both work full time. No need for one to make more than your DH is currently making. No need for someone to stay home. The only issue with your current arrangement is that you work more than a typical job but make less than you could or should be making. Stop being melodramatic about how there’s no obvious easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are discussions and decisions made prior to marriage.

So your advice to OP is "invent time travel"?

OP - I am cracking up here. I think this advice is pretty ridiculous because you can't predict where 2 careers will take you. We got together before we had careers or knew what they would be (were in college), talked a lot about what life might look like, but we can't tell the future. We've moved around a lot, had different jobs/career moves, no way I could have known at age 19 what professional paths he and I might follow.

If you say, "Well, that's why you shouldn't marry young," I guess so. But, contrary to many assumptions in this thread, we love each other and it's been a pretty good decade and a half so far.

After dutifully reading 20 pages of this thread, I think the sad reality is that there are no good guys or bad guys here. Just two people who both want to pursue careers that don't pay well (though his pays better than mine for sure) while also being the secondary parent. It doesn't work. Someone has to either earn a lot of money or stay at home with the kids. Or we have to sacrifice on where we live, travel, eating out, etc to funnel that money to childcare.

I don't think it makes either of us "the bad guy" if we prefer that the other person makes the sacrifices. I think it just makes us human.

No, someone doesn’t have to either stay home or earn a lot of money. OP are you being so obtuse for a reason? Your job is not a dream job, and sure as hell not a dream “career”. If you got a typically desk job paying 2022 salaries, you and DH would be fine. You could both work full time. No need for one to make more than your DH is currently making. No need for someone to stay home. The only issue with your current arrangement is that you work more than a typical job but make less than you could or should be making. Stop being melodramatic about how there’s no obvious easy answers.

PP, the OP (and I guess her DH) don’t want typical desk jobs. And she’s right, that just means she’s human (not bad or “melodramatic.”)

OP, yeah, you have to rethink things, as I wrote in an earlier post. There are likely creative ways to address the issues here, though they’ll require compromise in some form. Almost everyone compromises in some way. Build on the good parts of your life and figure out where you can adjust. Also, know that parenting will get easier in some ways as your youngest gets older. Maybe not “easy,” but the clinginess and physical exhaustion of parenting very young kids does ease.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are discussions and decisions made prior to marriage.

So your advice to OP is "invent time travel"?

OP - I am cracking up here. I think this advice is pretty ridiculous because you can't predict where 2 careers will take you. We got together before we had careers or knew what they would be (were in college), talked a lot about what life might look like, but we can't tell the future. We've moved around a lot, had different jobs/career moves, no way I could have known at age 19 what professional paths he and I might follow.

If you say, "Well, that's why you shouldn't marry young," I guess so. But, contrary to many assumptions in this thread, we love each other and it's been a pretty good decade and a half so far.

After dutifully reading 20 pages of this thread, I think the sad reality is that there are no good guys or bad guys here. Just two people who both want to pursue careers that don't pay well (though his pays better than mine for sure) while also being the secondary parent. It doesn't work. Someone has to either earn a lot of money or stay at home with the kids. Or we have to sacrifice on where we live, travel, eating out, etc to funnel that money to childcare.

I don't think it makes either of us "the bad guy" if we prefer that the other person makes the sacrifices. I think it just makes us human.

Look none of us know you in real life. Maybe your family is doing great and you are able to enjoy your kids despite everything you wrote above and and the issue is just how your DH is acting. But going just from what you wrote, I feel really sorry for your kids. Everything is about what you want and what your DH wants and how your kids are making life hard. I’m the PP in public health and I fully admit to feeling torn between my work and my family sometimes but I really can’t relate to your ton in these updates. I had no idea how my life would change when I had kids but I also had no idea how much I would love and adore them. Decision making is about what works for the whole family, kids included. And feeling resented by one (both?) of their parents is NOT good for your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was a journalist at a startup and I started at $45K. As a 22-year-old. You need to know your worth. Not everyone can be a millionaire but that is not a suitable wage for your stage of your career, especially in a leadership role. There are countless WSJ/Bloomberg articles about how job switchers are the ones getting major raises in most cases. You have to leave this job to get paid enough for the lifestyle your family needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a journalist at a startup and I started at $45K. As a 22-year-old. You need to know your worth. Not everyone can be a millionaire but that is not a suitable wage for your stage of your career, especially in a leadership role. There are countless WSJ/Bloomberg articles about how job switchers are the ones getting major raises in most cases. You have to leave this job to get paid enough for the lifestyle your family needs.

This. The OP has been suckered by the nonprofit line of "what you're doing is SO important that we're not going to pay you fair wages!" Many of us in DC get sucked into that line for a couple years out of college, but snap out of it quickly when we realize how many tens of thousands of workers in places like DC are in these roles, and how the organizations love to hire armies and armies of underpaid staffers.... and in the grand scheme, none of what we were doing was really important and life would go on for the world if most of these organizations closed, or fired 80% of their admin workers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a journalist at a startup and I started at $45K. As a 22-year-old. You need to know your worth. Not everyone can be a millionaire but that is not a suitable wage for your stage of your career, especially in a leadership role. There are countless WSJ/Bloomberg articles about how job switchers are the ones getting major raises in most cases. You have to leave this job to get paid enough for the lifestyle your family needs.

I was making $40k in a DC nonprofit in 2002-2003 one year out of college, and i felt like i was maayyyybeeee paid fairly. But i also knew i was entirely dispensable at that salary. Twenty years ago (including 2 years of historic inflation and wage increases).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) how much sex are you having. Increase it. Man are wired simply, and that may do the trick.

This is the way, OP.