DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was a journalist at a startup and I started at $45K. As a 22-year-old. You need to know your worth. Not everyone can be a millionaire but that is not a suitable wage for your stage of your career, especially in a leadership role. There are countless WSJ/Bloomberg articles about how job switchers are the ones getting major raises in most cases. You have to leave this job to get paid enough for the lifestyle your family needs.

This. The OP has been suckered by the nonprofit line of "what you're doing is SO important that we're not going to pay you fair wages!" Many of us in DC get sucked into that line for a couple years out of college, but snap out of it quickly when we realize how many tens of thousands of workers in places like DC are in these roles, and how the organizations love to hire armies and armies of underpaid staffers.... and in the grand scheme, none of what we were doing was really important and life would go on for the world if most of these organizations closed, or fired 80% of their admin workers.

Exactly. Get a higher paying job and donate your extra income to a nonprofit that does what your job does now, OP. I have a lot more financial ability to support good causes in the world now that I actually have disposable income.

[Anonymous]

I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

Being a primary parent and working FT is hard. Something's gotta give.

-signed a mom who has WOH, WFH, PT and FT, and sahm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) how much sex are you having. Increase it. Man are wired simply, and that may do the trick.

This is the way, OP.

yes, because working FT with little kids leaves you so much time for a lot more sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) how much sex are you having. Increase it. Man are wired simply, and that may do the trick.

This is the way, OP.

yes, because working FT with little kids leaves you so much time for a lot more sex.

This is the kind of attitude that lands people in marriage counseling or divorce court. Guess how much time that takes compared to say, 15-20 minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) how much sex are you having. Increase it. Man are wired simply, and that may do the trick.

This is the way, OP.

yes, because working FT with little kids leaves you so much time for a lot more sex.

This is the kind of attitude that lands people in marriage counseling or divorce court. Guess how much time that takes compared to say, 15-20 minutes?

Its 5 for him to do it himself.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

Being a primary parent and working FT is hard. Something's gotta give.

-signed a mom who has WOH, WFH, PT and FT, and sahm.

Yeah - that’s why everyone says kids are hard. The point is that these two tiny people who didn’t choose to be here need someone to make them a priority. When you choose to bring people into the world, if you are a decent person, you (fathers and mothers) choose to put other things second to them. These poor kids are gonna grow up with two parents who resent them and each other. Dad either needs to suck it up and be a Dad or the mom needs to accept that he won’t and be a Mom to them. One or both of their dreams may have to be deferred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’m not an admin. I run the whole thing now. That’s why it’s my dream job. Though your salary estimate is sadly spot on.

But I agree with the broader point that I have to work less and if it implodes, it implodes.

OP, where did the $ go that paid all the people who left?

[Anonymous]

Nothing about enjoying the kids or enjoying family time. Just the resentful tone toward the youngest in particular, toward the kids of friends for interacting, etc.

I feel sad for the kids, esp the younger. Dad with his exaggerated "happy" when childfree, so manipulative along with his "sads" when the kids are around, Mom who seems to want a life most of us lived right out of college of being underpaid and married to a cause...

Kids need to be loved and prioritized by at least one parent, they need to feel cherished, not only like a burden. Sad. And if Dad was loving and engaged toward #1 and is "sad" when he is around now, that kid is gonna be just as screwed up as #2.

If you had the means I'd tell you to pu the kids in boarding school OP, at least weekday boarding, then you could have your old lives back most of the time. But then you'd have to prioritize $ and you don't seem to want to do that either.

The years go by so quickly and you CHOSE to have 2 kids. Life has seasons and the parenting one does end. Your kids already pick up on how you and your DH feel about family life.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to grow a pair and take pride in his responsibility rather than wallowing in his misery. He's setting the wrong tone for the kids. Kids (even 5 years olds) notice if you treat them like a burden. Perhaps he needs to consider how he can love and protect his children more than he loves and protects himself..

Regardless of whether or not he wanted it -- it's his responsibility. Grow a pair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

My kids don't have a "primary parent." They have two parents who work full time in relatively low paid and flexible jobs, like it sounds like OP and her husband. They are in either school or paid childcare from 8:45-3:30 and 9-4:30 or 5, respectively. Our household and childcare loads are pretty equal, although my husband is way better at getting down on the floor and playing legos or trains, i prefer to either take them outside or read with them. I don't think they are neglected, or that spending 7-8 hours in school or day care is sad.

Maybe the difference is that OP and her husband want the other person to be primary parent so they can step back and focus on their careers, whereas in my family we've basically both decided to have our careers come second.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should have stopped at 1 child or married someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

My kids don't have a "primary parent." They have two parents who work full time in relatively low paid and flexible jobs, like it sounds like OP and her husband. They are in either school or paid childcare from 8:45-3:30 and 9-4:30 or 5, respectively. Our household and childcare loads are pretty equal, although my husband is way better at getting down on the floor and playing legos or trains, i prefer to either take them outside or read with them. I don't think they are neglected, or that spending 7-8 hours in school or day care is sad.

Maybe the difference is that OP and her husband want the other person to be primary parent so they can step back and focus on their careers, whereas in my family we've basically both decided to have our careers come second.

She said they have part time childcare. I would guess that’s something like 3-4 hours/day. And then OP works in the evening after kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

OP could die tomorrow and what would her DH do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just think its sad that no one really wants to be a primary parent to these kids.

My kids don't have a "primary parent." They have two parents who work full time in relatively low paid and flexible jobs, like it sounds like OP and her husband. They are in either school or paid childcare from 8:45-3:30 and 9-4:30 or 5, respectively. Our household and childcare loads are pretty equal, although my husband is way better at getting down on the floor and playing legos or trains, i prefer to either take them outside or read with them. I don't think they are neglected, or that spending 7-8 hours in school or day care is sad.

Maybe the difference is that OP and her husband want the other person to be primary parent so they can step back and focus on their careers, whereas in my family we've basically both decided to have our careers come second.

But in the case of the OP, neither parent wants to parent these kids. They both want to be doing something else. In your case two halves make a whole, in this case the kids are at best getting one half.