Reply to DH Can’t Stand Having Two Kids… 2 Years Later

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The people suggesting the DH should just find a way to make more income.....?  Bonkers.

DH wanted one kid. He's currently working a full time job plus handling the bulk of household responsibilities. So that OP can effectively be in a hobby volunteer position that consumes more hours than a full time job.

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Actually it’s the people suggesting OP give up her dream job that are bonkers. Also he is not doing the bulk of household but finally being asked to do 50% of the childrearing instead of almost nothing. Ie he is finally being asked to be an adult in any equal partnership rather than being taken care of by a wife and protected from the challenging tasks of parenting.

Outsourcing his fair share is a reasonable suggestion as is the suggestion that he be responsible in financing that, [/quote]

In most households with 2 working parents, both parents are working during the daytime, and they come home and split childcare duties at night.  There are always 2 pairs of hands on deck. Or there might be alternate nights where one parent gets to go out and do something fun, and the next night it's the other parent's turn.  But that's not what it sounds like is happening here.  DH is coming home after a full day of work, and then his wife is working and he is saddled with all of the evening childcare.  That's not a healthy setup for anyone.  Their options are to get full time childcare during the day so they are both on deck in the evenings, or she can quit her low-paying hobby job.  Another option would be to get an evening mother's helper, a teen who will work for a lower pay rate and make evenings easier. But it still doesn't seem fair to the father to have to single parent every day of the week in the evenings.  [/quote]

The only reason she is working evenings is that they only have part time childcare which means she is the childcare during the rest of the daytime hours.  Plenty of people save on childcare by shifting work schedules so that one parent is on childcare duty while  the other works and vice versa. Op has said childcare is 50-50. op has a full day of work which she splits between daytime and evening - her dh has a full days of work and covers evenings. This is fair. It’s her DREAM job not a hobby job.   She’s been supporting him now it’s his turn to reciprocate. [/quote]

If it's so low pay that it can't cover basic childcare, then it's a HOBBY JOB.  Not a real job.  [/quote]

+1[/quote]

Again the husbands job does not pay enough for childcare either so he that would mean he has a hobby job too!!!

Many jobs don’t pay enough for childcare l. It’s ridiculous to dismiss them as hobby jobs. Husband needs to find a higher paying job so he can outsource his fair share of childcare. (Op is not complaining about her fair share…)[/quote]

They had a setup where they fit PT childcare into their budget and schedules, based on their combined earnings, that sounds like it was working OK.

OP is the one who wanted to make a major change to the schedule to take on a "dream job." This increased the need for childcare. It seems to me that as the one wanting to make the change, OP should be responsible for increasing earnings to cover it. I don't get why this is the husband's "fair share" - he's not the one who wanted to make the change. This isn't about whose salary it comes out of, it's about taking your family needs  into account with career decisions. [/quote]

PS I'm a DW working a "compromise" job in a lot of ways so I can pay our household bills and benefits to support my husband working a "dream" job. I've already walked away from MY "dream jobs" twice for the stability of our family. If he wanted to do something that didn't even pay for childcare so we'd basically have to work split shifts for a few years, that would be a hard no for me. People need to grow up. We don't all get all our dreams at the expense of other people's. [/quote]

So only the husband gets to fulfill his dreams by exploiting his wife for unpaid labor (childcare) No in an equal marriage there may be seasons where one person sacrifices for the other as OP has done for her husband but there comes a time where the other person must do the same for the person who sacrificed  first. Her husband needs to step up. Period.

If one person is doing ALL the compromising it’s not an equal marriage.  Op should not be a doormat for her husband. (She should negotiate for better pay at her job but that is another issue.) [/quote]

What compromising was the OP doing?  I see a ton of compromises made by her DH, and OP doing exactly what she wants to do at every phase of her life.

She's the one who wanted multiple kids that disrupted the family dynamic - they got them.

She's the one who got to stay home with the kids she wanted and work PT.

Now she's the one who's working her dream job.

Meanwhile, her DH has presumably a run of the mill job (i.e., not "dream job"), more kids than he wants in a way that is making him objectively unhappy, he's responsible for paying the bills, and he has to handle all household responsibilities after the work day.  I see a guy who has made a lot of compromises, so his wife can do pretty much everything she wants without contributing any cash or labor to the household. [/quote]

OP has said that they prioritized his career for a decade.   That is a BIG compromise. [/quote]

Oh come on. Op said she was freelancing from home for 10 years. Didn't say she compromised her career for DH.  I'd assume she was enjoying the best of all worlds for that 10 year period.  I haven't seen OP suggest once that she's ever had to do anything she didn't want to do - her job, her stay home, her kids.  [/quote]

She wrote that she's so happy after a decade of putting his career first.  That pretty much says she compromised her own work sanctification for his.   There would be no "putting his career first"  statement if she had felt fulfilled with her own.   She also compromised on the number of kids as well. So in NO way has she always been getting what she wanted.  Not to mention she also has to handle household responsibilities in addition to a full work day.  The difference is she's an adult and is not whining about it.

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I know plenty of SAHM's by choice who will give a big sigh and tell you all about how much they are sacrificing for their family. We have no idea if OP is that type or not. [/quote]

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