Son and DIL insulting vacation we paid for

[Anonymous]

Has op told us whether she has addressed this with her son yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is this weird obsession with differentiating between trip and vacation? I don't even understand the difference. Maybe because I've done that sort of beach rental/OBx kind of thing only once?

It is probably a defense to, "You are on vacation! Relax, have fun, smile.". Meanwhile the kids went to sleep at midnight because their room is next to the living room then woke up at 530am when IL's dog started yapping to go out.
No one turned the dishwasher, by the way is there any dishwasher soap, so the only three bowls, four spoons , and 18 cups need to be washed for breakfast. Oh, FIL, you purchased powder creamer for the coffee, not the dairy half & half because it saved 75 cents. And only decaf, it is beans, there is no coffee grinder. The cereal bag wasn't closed so now full of ants. Can you please turn down FOX news. Not really sure about dinner plans yet, but 730pm for 10 people with 4 kids under 6 without a reservation won't work for us. Yes, we should teach our kids proper manners to sit at the dinner table for 2 hours.

So true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP: Another mom/MIL here. I think the bolded sentence is where you might have headed off some of these complaints. If you are renting the same house year after year, do you ever ask your other adult kids (the ones that come regularly) whether they like it or whether they have "requests" for the next year. Since you rent, you can change houses as your family's needs change. Also, DH and I pay for the rental so we generally get the primary suite with the biggest bedroom and ensuite. Because of that, we may have a more favorable opinion of a particular rental than the other family members. To one couple, an oceanfront house might be a non-negotiable; to another, an ensuite bath in their bedroom, a hot tub, a private pool, etc. The grandkids like bunk beds to share with their cousins. You get the gist. Sometimes we can't find all these features in a home that we can afford in a location we want to go to. At that point, we will ask everyone to look at the best listings and see which suits best. It's kind of fun to plan together and build a consensus as to what we can all live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP: Another mom/MIL here. I think the bolded sentence is where you might have headed off some of these complaints. If you are renting the same house year after year, do you ever ask your other adult kids (the ones that come regularly) whether they like it or whether they have "requests" for the next year. Since you rent, you can change houses as your family's needs change. Also, DH and I pay for the rental so we generally get the primary suite with the biggest bedroom and ensuite. Because of that, we may have a more favorable opinion of a particular rental than the other family members. To one couple, an oceanfront house might be a non-negotiable; to another, an ensuite bath in their bedroom, a hot tub, a private pool, etc. The grandkids like bunk beds to share with their cousins. You get the gist. Sometimes we can't find all these features in a home that we can afford in a location we want to go to. At that point, we will ask everyone to look at the best listings and see which suits best. It's kind of fun to plan together and build a consensus as to what we can all live with.

Do you ever (for example) stick one family in one bed, stick one kid with a family friend who happens to have violent outbursts, or give the adults bunk beds? Another example, do you tend to exclude/ignore one part of the family, and favor another part? Would you expect those people to be less than enthusiastic?

[Anonymous]

Our family stopped going on our parent's forced "trips" a few years ago and the world didn't end. We still see the parents and gasp, go on our OWN "vacation." Life is too short for this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP: Another mom/MIL here. I think the bolded sentence is where you might have headed off some of these complaints. If you are renting the same house year after year, do you ever ask your other adult kids (the ones that come regularly) whether they like it or whether they have "requests" for the next year. Since you rent, you can change houses as your family's needs change. Also, DH and I pay for the rental so we generally get the primary suite with the biggest bedroom and ensuite. Because of that, we may have a more favorable opinion of a particular rental than the other family members. To one couple, an oceanfront house might be a non-negotiable; to another, an ensuite bath in their bedroom, a hot tub, a private pool, etc. The grandkids like bunk beds to share with their cousins. You get the gist. Sometimes we can't find all these features in a home that we can afford in a location we want to go to. At that point, we will ask everyone to look at the best listings and see which suits best. It's kind of fun to plan together and build a consensus as to what we can all live with.

Do you ever (for example) stick one family in one bed, stick one kid with a family friend who happens to have violent outbursts, or give the adults bunk beds? Another example, do you tend to exclude/ignore one part of the family, and favor another part? Would you expect those people to be less than enthusiastic?

Previous PP responding: No, to all of those (most of which seem odd especially inviting a family friend with violent outbursts), but I didn't get the impression that the OP did any of those things either. Only that the rental was one where you bring your own linens (very common in some locations, and I avoid that) and the curtains and kitchen equipment weren't great. Those issues are easy to remedy. Either get a linen service or choose a different rental. Come to think of it, OP seems to have generated a big debate and left the thread. I suppose she might be hurt by some of the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP, I am wondering if you have any kind of relationship with your DIL. If not, why? Why wouldn't you say something to her 1:1 (example): "let's go see this window, and what we can do to help!" And if MIL needs here son to go get a $5. paper blind at home depot, maybe (wait for it) MIlL can tell her son to do that.

If they say anything about making the beds, just say - it's vacation - no one has to do anything! You know, communicate.

MIL, is communication always so hard for you? Why?

Hilarious. The two women (DIL and OP) will talk about the curtains, and the man (adult son) goes to Home Depot and gets a blind and puts it up. Some internalized sexism going on here, PP, even if you can't see it.

And nope, son and DIL can figure out their own freaking solution to the thin curtains, poor delicate souls. Every bedroom will have the same thin curtains, I'm sure. Will they think to offer to buy those blinds for everyone else's rooms, too? Doubtful.

The son and DIL are being rude, period. They need to suck up their comments, even the ones made in supposed jest. OP is right to feel insulted. OP, simply ignore every one of these comments if you can (don't stoop to their passive-aggressive level).

They're being jerks. I bet that if they ever stay at your house they also snark about things but less vocally and not in front of you. Poor manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP, I am wondering if you have any kind of relationship with your DIL. If not, why? Why wouldn't you say something to her 1:1 (example): "let's go see this window, and what we can do to help!" And if MIL needs here son to go get a $5. paper blind at home depot, maybe (wait for it) MIlL can tell her son to do that.

If they say anything about making the beds, just say - it's vacation - no one has to do anything! You know, communicate.

MIL, is communication always so hard for you? Why?

Hilarious. The two women (DIL and OP) will talk about the curtains, and the man (adult son) goes to Home Depot and gets a blind and puts it up. Some internalized sexism going on here, PP, even if you can't see it.

And nope, son and DIL can figure out their own freaking solution to the thin curtains, poor delicate souls. Every bedroom will have the same thin curtains, I'm sure. Will they think to offer to buy those blinds for everyone else's rooms, too? Doubtful.

The son and DIL are being rude, period. They need to suck up their comments, even the ones made in supposed jest. OP is right to feel insulted. OP, simply ignore every one of these comments if you can (don't stoop to their passive-aggressive level).

They're being jerks. I bet that if they ever stay at your house they also snark about things but less vocally and not in front of you. Poor manners.

PP's made up conversation in her head between MIL and DIL sounds like a conversation a mother might have with her 6 yr old child. What in the world? When do two adults talk to each other like this? "What can mommy do to help?" What a joke, and the PP is daring to question the communication skills of someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you guilt and pressure them about coming on your beach vacation and then expect them to be grateful for it?
When I'm on PTO I'd like to have it be my choice or have some perks that makes it worth my while.
If your son doesn't want to visit you of his own volition, there's not much you can do about it. He's a jerk, but then, maybe so are you.

OP here. We invited them every year. We understood the first year of COVID when vaccines weren’t out yet. But after vaccines everyone else came and we invited, not pressured just invited and made it clear we were all vaccinated. I want them to feel included but if they don’t like being here I wouldn’t say anything if they just declined.

OP you are too sensitive.
Next year do not plan this.
"we understood the first year of covid" Tells me all I need to know about you. You are the opinionated one not them

Next year don't rent a home.

I agree it is not a vacation when I have to bring towels, sheets, soap, etc.. not a fan at all.

Whether you think it’s a vacation or not isn’t the point. Complaining to the person who paid shows a lack of appreciation and is rude, full stop.

Thank you! Do not accept an invitation and then complain to the person who invited you the whole time. Terribly inconsiderate. If son and family don’t like these beach vacations they can be adults and decline the invite or leave early. Whining is never the solution.

[Anonymous]

OP should ignore the comments and take the high road. Next time, ask invited parties to pick a location so you aren’t made to feel bad for making the wrong choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP, I am wondering if you have any kind of relationship with your DIL. If not, why? Why wouldn't you say something to her 1:1 (example): "let's go see this window, and what we can do to help!" And if MIL needs here son to go get a $5. paper blind at home depot, maybe (wait for it) MIlL can tell her son to do that.

If they say anything about making the beds, just say - it's vacation - no one has to do anything! You know, communicate.

MIL, is communication always so hard for you? Why?

Hilarious. The two women (DIL and OP) will talk about the curtains, and the man (adult son) goes to Home Depot and gets a blind and puts it up. Some internalized sexism going on here, PP, even if you can't see it.

And nope, son and DIL can figure out their own freaking solution to the thin curtains, poor delicate souls. Every bedroom will have the same thin curtains, I'm sure. Will they think to offer to buy those blinds for everyone else's rooms, too? Doubtful.

The son and DIL are being rude, period. They need to suck up their comments, even the ones made in supposed jest. OP is right to feel insulted. OP, simply ignore every one of these comments if you can (don't stoop to their passive-aggressive level).

They're being jerks. I bet that if they ever stay at your house they also snark about things but less vocally and not in front of you. Poor manners.

PP's made up conversation in her head between MIL and DIL sounds like a conversation a mother might have with her 6 yr old child. What in the world? When do two adults talk to each other like this? "What can mommy do to help?" What a joke, and the PP is daring to question the communication skills of someone else?

These responses are overblown.

If I invited a family to stay with us, and they could not sleep, you bet damn well I would seek to resolve the situation in a hospitable manner (in a house I rented).

Otherwise, why would I have even invited them?

Maybe DIL's delivery wasn't spot on, but maybe this would give an OP an opportunity to get to know her better. Maybe OP and DIL can take a ride to Home Depot together.

I really don't care what the solution is, as long as there is a solution for your guests, and you don't actually choose to ignore it or make it worse, OP.

No way would I try to alienate a family member over a house I rented. But some of you, including OP, seem to like drama.

Op is basically saying "too bad for my guest!" Have some couth, OP. Don't worry so much about being right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our family stopped going on our parent's forced "trips" a few years ago and the world didn't end. We still see the parents and gasp, go on our OWN "vacation." Life is too short for this BS.

+1

I suspect your parents make time to see you, and you don't have to drive 6+ hours to do so once per year - AND you get to choose where you spend your limited free time.

WIN/WIN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

OP, I am wondering if you have any kind of relationship with your DIL. If not, why? Why wouldn't you say something to her 1:1 (example): "let's go see this window, and what we can do to help!" And if MIL needs here son to go get a $5. paper blind at home depot, maybe (wait for it) MIlL can tell her son to do that.

If they say anything about making the beds, just say - it's vacation - no one has to do anything! You know, communicate.

MIL, is communication always so hard for you? Why?

Hilarious. The two women (DIL and OP) will talk about the curtains, and the man (adult son) goes to Home Depot and gets a blind and puts it up. Some internalized sexism going on here, PP, even if you can't see it.

And nope, son and DIL can figure out their own freaking solution to the thin curtains, poor delicate souls. Every bedroom will have the same thin curtains, I'm sure. Will they think to offer to buy those blinds for everyone else's rooms, too? Doubtful.

The son and DIL are being rude, period. They need to suck up their comments, even the ones made in supposed jest. OP is right to feel insulted. OP, simply ignore every one of these comments if you can (don't stoop to their passive-aggressive level).

They're being jerks. I bet that if they ever stay at your house they also snark about things but less vocally and not in front of you. Poor manners.

PP's made up conversation in her head between MIL and DIL sounds like a conversation a mother might have with her 6 yr old child. What in the world? When do two adults talk to each other like this? "What can mommy do to help?" What a joke, and the PP is daring to question the communication skills of someone else?

These responses are overblown.

If I invited a family to stay with us, and they could not sleep, you bet damn well I would seek to resolve the situation in a hospitable manner (in a house I rented).

Otherwise, why would I have even invited them?

Maybe DIL's delivery wasn't spot on, but maybe this would give an OP an opportunity to get to know her better. Maybe OP and DIL can take a ride to Home Depot together.

I really don't care what the solution is, as long as there is a solution for your guests, and you don't actually choose to ignore it or make it worse, OP.

No way would I try to alienate a family member over a house I rented. But some of you, including OP, seem to like drama.

Op is basically saying "too bad for my guest!" Have some couth, OP. Don't worry so much about being right.

But it is a family beach vacation that all adults are participating in…right? Last time we were on vacation we actually had the same problem with thin curtains that didn’t keep light out. I went into town and picked up some cheap curtains to hang. It would have felt a bit odd to complain to my parents and ask them to come up with a solution… I’m am capable adult and this is not exactly a difficult problem to solve. They are my parents after all, not hotel staff.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry your feelings are hurt, OP. Your son and DIL likely don’t enjoy staying at a rented beach house. I agree with them. It’s particularly hard with young kids. Perhaps they accepted your invitation out of a sense of obligation. I think you should be direct with them, while you’re still on vacation/the trip. Say, “it hurts my feelings when you make these comments about this being a trip, not a vacation or about the pots and pans being old. Dad and I feel like we’re being generous to rent the house. It’s hurtful when you say things like that.” Hopefully they will stop. And then next year you can all discuss more openly whether they should be invited or not. My parents have finally mostly stopped invited me, for which I am grateful. I don’t want to go on a large family beach trip. That’s not what I want to do with my vacation days. But I don’t want to hurt their feelings either. You need to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

I would hate staying in a house with most of my extended family or my husband’s. I know that we would have very different vacation styles. My family takes the opportunity to sleep late on vacation. We like a dark hotel suites with at last two rooms for the four of us and a kitchenette for making our simple breakfast and lunch. We don’t want to cook dinner, especially for a lot of people. We want to eat out and try restaurants be don’t have access to at home. If I was getting up with the sun, or listening to other family members at a time when I was trying to rest, that wouldn’t feel like a vacation, especially if I had to take time off work for it.

I would not complain about the accommodations to the MIL. However, if I was asked point blank questions, I would answer tactfully. We would decline the big beach house the next time and stay in a nearby hotel. I don’t mind spending my vacations with my in-laws, but I want it to be enjoyable for me, too.

I will say that when I have stayed it beach houses with flimsy curtains that I always use hair clips to hang a thick blanket over the windows and it works wonders!