Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

I'm not questioning any of that. I'm questioning the reasoning your husband provided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

We know a kid with the last name Chin-Fatt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

We know a kid with the last name Chin-Fatt.

This isn't the case for most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

[Anonymous]

I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

The same team, the husband's team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

I can guarantee someone, like a coach, teacher, or doctor, has had to spend extra time to verify or connect the dots that your kid is yours. Are you a step mom? Are you the legal guardian? Stuff like that. Just because it hasn’t impacted you, doesn’t mean it hasn’t impacted anyone.

Make the decision you want, it’s America, but you can’t pretend it’s not counter to local convention, and will cause confusion from time to time.

Your trolling has negatively affected more people than my lack of name change, but as you say, you make the decision you want.

DP

Another mom who kept her name here and like the numerous other women who have done the same, zero impact. It is very common in my suburban community.

But it sounds like PP really wants women to be punished for this and can't handle that it isn't happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

Does this important symbol of unity expire when your child is old enough to legally change their name? How is the unity diminished when this even occurs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

At least some men believe that this unite can be also achieved by them changing their names or by combining both names into one. This one thinks that unity can only be achieved if everyone take his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a liberal feminist and I took my husband's name and gave it to our kids. It was barely a discussion, we just wanted us to publicly be on the same team. Others can do something different and I don't judge.

Same here. It's just a symbol of unity.

You can achieve unity by combining your names or by him taking yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His reaction, although dramatic is mostly reasonable. Most women still take their husband's name and our society operates during the assumption that families will go by the father's name. This isn't different from women taking offense at men's suggestion to skip the ring. You're entitled to your name but this issue will likely be a tedious uphill battle for you as most men won't be happy with their wives keeping their names.

1. Who wants a man that needs a woman to give up her identity?

2. It has never been an issue for me or any of the dozens of women I know that we kept our names.

3. In fact, relinquishing your name now may cost you the right to vote. Oh well, I’m sure your alpha bootlicker will make the right choice for you - better hope you don’t get pregnant ever again! Good luck!

4. Men are really proving themselves to universally be a bunch of snowflakes.

2. Of course it’s not an issue for you. It’s an issue for the kids, and everyone else trying to interact with them in some official capacity.

My kid has a different last name from me and it has literally never been an issue. Like not even 1 time in 15 years.

Different last name than child also. Not an issue in 8 years.

Our kids have my name too, DH (their father) is actually the primary one driving around dropping them and picking up at activities and never an issue here either. And he even volunteers as a coach in two of the activities (so everyone is aware that his name is different) and literally nobody cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I didn't want to change my mind. When we discussed it prior to marriage he said he would really like me to take his last name. He grew up with a single mom who had her maiden name and he and his brother each had the last name of their (different) father.

Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him.

Your husband doesn't feel his mother raised him in a family unit, because she didn't ensure they all had the same surnames?

Obviously there was a lot more going on than different last names. Don't be obtuse.

And same surnames would solve the family unit problems how?

Give us some examples of broken family unit problems that are resolvable by giving everyone the same last name.

I didn't say it would. I'm not saying anyone should or shouldn't change their name. I simply shared my own experience. After talking about it I decided it meant way more to him than it did to me. So I changed my name. That worked for us. It doesn't mean everyone has to do it.

Your husband is fundamentally insecure, that’s not anybody else’s problem.

This is why people roll their eyes at liberal feminists. A guy has a preference to have his children carry his last name, as has been our cultural norm for centuries, and you label him as fundamentally insecure. Maybe he just likes carrying on the tradition or it means something significant to his family. His wife decided she was fine with it so why do you judge? Can't you respect other people's choices and move on?

DP We don't need to ask "maybe". We know the reason:

"Having a wife and kids with his last name felt like family unit to him."

He bases the feeling of a healthy family unit on everyone having the same last name. It's of course a nonsense reason - a healthy family unit has nothing to do with last names. But that's the reason he provided.

At least some men believe that this unite can be also achieved by them changing their names or by combining both names into one. This one thinks that unity can only be achieved if everyone take his.

Last name conventions of any kind don't unite. Yes in the superficial and artificial sense you can use the term, but this isn't what most people invested in this are talking about.