Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

who does your husband go to visit other than his sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:who does your husband go to visit other than his sister?

ok, his mom.

[Anonymous]

As a South Asian, I am sympathetic to *some* of what OP is describing. Many things are difficult very different. I myself would not be cooking in OPs situation. I would however be eating homemade food and enjoying not having to cook.
OP, you will not get sick from food cooked with unfiltered water such as roti or rice - heat kills pathogens in the water. If you have a gluten allergy, eat rice. Also your kids are half Bengali- they should learn to eat and maybe love the food. I understand young children are picky, and you haven’t cooked Bengali food for them in the US, but this is how you teach children - it is part of who they are. I would prioritize regularly going to south Asian restaurants when you return to the US so they (and you) gain familiarity with the cuisine. You have chosen your spouse - you don’t have to love it, but food is part of culture, and you should find food you like enough to be able to manage short term. My children love paranthas (which they eat plain), rice and fish or chicken curry.
Re the shower- your ILs sound very accommodating. I imagine water is in short supply, and you are likely using a lot. You may not be used to bucket baths, but it can be learned - it is not hard. I think you should keep future visits shorter and communicate more with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a South Asian, I am sympathetic to *some* of what OP is describing. Many things are difficult very different. I myself would not be cooking in OPs situation. I would however be eating homemade food and enjoying not having to cook.
OP, you will not get sick from food cooked with unfiltered water such as roti or rice - heat kills pathogens in the water. If you have a gluten allergy, eat rice. Also your kids are half Bengali- they should learn to eat and maybe love the food. I understand young children are picky, and you haven’t cooked Bengali food for them in the US, but this is how you teach children - it is part of who they are. I would prioritize regularly going to south Asian restaurants when you return to the US so they (and you) gain familiarity with the cuisine. You have chosen your spouse - you don’t have to love it, but food is part of culture, and you should find food you like enough to be able to manage short term. My children love paranthas (which they eat plain), rice and fish or chicken curry.
Re the shower- your ILs sound very accommodating. I imagine water is in short supply, and you are likely using a lot. You may not be used to bucket baths, but it can be learned - it is not hard. I think you should keep future visits shorter and communicate more with your husband.

Op isn't south asian. She doesn't enjoy south Asian food. Why are people so insistent on this? Her husband also doesn't eat it much. I like the restaurant idea but maybe her dh only eats halal meat or he likes Middle Eastern food. They probably eat biryani during holidays. I'm sure the OP's family isn't forcing him to eat American food. It's probably better his family doesn't live in the US. Most would be mad if she refused food. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but culturally that's a big no.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I couldn’t read the whole thread. OP are you feeling reasonably assured that you will go back home as scheduled?
It all makes me worried… you DH sounds like he wants to control you guys… honestly I would stage a call with parents and go back for to “emergency”… and never ever come back

I am from a “second world” country but I have no tolerance for this kind of thing… just, don’t come back. It’s a shame people live in these conditions and I want no part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, thanks for teaching me all about Bangladesh. I never want to visit now.

As if it wasn’t obvious from the beginning…

Op here. Visiting as a tourist may be fun. You can stay in a nice hotel. It will be a cultural shock to navigate the traffic in Dhaka. Now that I know what I do about developing countries I'm not very interested in traveling to any. In the past, I have been to several European countries and Peru. I loved Peru and I absolutely loved the food there too. I stayed with an international friend I met in undergrad. My stomach has always been weak so I think that has a big impact on traveling. It's very unpleasant to get sick on vacations. I never got sick when I visited Europe. I think it's tricky when vacations have been different and you change to doing something traveling to Bangladesh. We haven't traveled much because we save for this trip. We save PTO and money. We mostly do small trips in the US. Maybe in some ways, I am resentful that we don't do typical family vacations like going to FL for a week.

[Anonymous]

Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

But it's not OP's home. One month is a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

[Anonymous]

We have hot water and showers in Central Asia. Also, I would never subject my American husband to what OP is describing and would consider leaving a spouse who expects me to live like that for 3 months. She should at least be able to feed her kids and go for a walk.

Anonymous wrote:India, Nepal, parts of Vietnam, Central Asia, Pakistan, Ethiopia - those are my likely guesses for lesser developed countries that are cold right now.

OP - how long have you been married? How come you haven’t learned enough of the language to manage a walk outside the gates of the family home?

I wouldn’t want to do this with kids but I’m a white woman from the Midwest and have lived for months at a time, successfully on my own, in places where I didn’t speak the language and didn’t have reliable running water or electricity (Uganda, Ethiopia and Cambodia).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line: You need to take time to know who you are marrying and establish open empathetic communication and understanding before jumping on to marriage wagon and popping out children.

If your relationship is worth it, together both spouses can make one month back home manageable and fun. Magic word: Together

But it's not OP's home. One month is a lot of time.

That's right but she married an immigrant, he would want to go visit his home and take kids to bond with grandparents.

They just have to be able to empathize with each other and make it work for both. May be go one year, invite his parents next year or just he goes and skip year after then all go together the next year for two weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

[Anonymous]

Ability to get credit and loans helped artificially raise living standards in developed countries but increased mental stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ability to get credit and loans helped artificially raise living standards in developed countries but increased mental stress.

Op here. I see this! Here there isn't too much credit debt. My husband also hates credit card debt and even mortgage debt. We have a 7-year plan to pay off our mortgage. We buy our cars in cash. They are used but better than taking a loan. Both of us were fortunate to get merit scholarships so no school loan debt.