I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.

It wouldn’t be 22 years

Well, people are saying that OP should still provide housing and financial support for her 18 year old daughter, so 22 years seems to be closer to the expectations, no?

You can’t have it both ways...

22 more years would make her daughter 40... so no!

They are referring to 22 years of supporting the potential baby, not continuing to raise the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

Where does it say OP has the resources? All I see is OP saying she's a single parent herself.

[Anonymous]

OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

This, and once OP makes it clear that she is not going to parent the baby or provide free housing and childcare, then her DD's father or the boyfriend's parents will either decide to step up or also decide that they aren't going to enable these bad choices.
OP doesn't believe her DD has the education or financial resources to parent, doesn't believe the boyfriend does either, and has doubts that DD would forsake her teen party life to be a responsible parent. The best thing that OP can do for the most vulnerable party in the equation is to try to ensure that the baby is raised in a loving stable home. If OP doesn't want to be that home for the next 22 years (and I wouldn't), then OP needs to stay firm and explain that she will help DD either terminate or seek a good adoption placement if she is insistent on carrying the child to term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.

It wouldn’t be 22 years

Well, people are saying that OP should still provide housing and financial support for her 18 year old daughter, so 22 years seems to be closer to the expectations, no?

You can’t have it both ways...

22 more years would make her daughter 40... so no!

They are referring to 22 years of supporting the potential baby, not continuing to raise the daughter.

But she won't need to do that, she needs to get her daughter grown and flown. She is kicking out a college aged kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

The baby is covered under the mothers healthcare until released by the hospital then carried under medicaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

Where does it say OP has the resources? All I see is OP saying she's a single parent herself.

She was supporting her daughter now with no intention to throw her out. Did she all of a sudden have less rooms in her house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

There are (presumably) six adults and at least three households:

18 year old daughter
18 year old boyfriend

OP
OP’s ex

Presumed:
Boyfriend’s mom
Boyfriend’s dad

There could be step parents, that was unclear. This is not on OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

[Anonymous]

I would probably strike a compromise with them and say that they could live with me until their child started full day public school (that might be pre-k or K depending on the school system). During those years, the young adults would be expected to work and take classes at the community college or trade school. They would need to coordinate their schedules so that the one of them is home with the baby most of the time. And they will need to arrange for someone to watch the baby when they are both at school or work (maybe another grandparent) I would be willing to fill in at times but I would not be taking on full time care of their child.

The goal would be to get them up on their feet and self supportive. If they are willing to put in the effort, it will pay off for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.

OP here - I kicked her out of the house, so I guess I'm not supportive. I am in shock and distancing myself to think.

Are you trying to write a book? Maybe you could title it:
How To Make a Bad Situation Worse
or, perhaps
How to Ensure the Worst Possible Outcome For my Daughter?
or, maybe
How to Never Be a Part of My Grandchildren's Lives?

She's your daughter. Help her. This is the time. Remember when you looked into that beautiful infant's eyes and promised to be there for her, no matter what? Well, here is the time to make good on that promise. It was easy to say those words back then, but the real mettle is shown when the chips are down.

OP here - The chips are down by her own choice. This is a choice she made after me telling her NOT to get pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.

OP here - I kicked her out of the house, so I guess I'm not supportive. I am in shock and distancing myself to think.

Are you trying to write a book? Maybe you could title it:
How To Make a Bad Situation Worse
or, perhaps
How to Ensure the Worst Possible Outcome For my Daughter?
or, maybe
How to Never Be a Part of My Grandchildren's Lives?

She's your daughter. Help her. This is the time. Remember when you looked into that beautiful infant's eyes and promised to be there for her, no matter what? Well, here is the time to make good on that promise. It was easy to say those words back then, but the real mettle is shown when the chips are down.

OP here - The chips are down by her own choice. This is a choice she made after me telling her NOT to get pregnant.

NP -- true. Let's assume that you're right: she's in the process of making a huge mistake. That said, there are still two things to keep in mind: 1) how can you best help her learn from her mistake and 2) what do you owe your grandchild? Because it looks like you will have one, and that child will be innocent of the mistakes their parents made. I'm not saying you have to raise the baby on your own to adulthood. But there is a range of options between that and washing your hands of them.

Take some time to be pissed and sad - it looks like your DD's life will not be as you envisioned it would, and that's a loss. But then, you need to move forward and decide what kind of mom and grandma you want to be in this situation. THIS situation. Because this situation is the one you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

Where does it say OP has the resources? All I see is OP saying she's a single parent herself.

She was supporting her daughter now with no intention to throw her out. Did she all of a sudden have less rooms in her house?

Her daughter broke the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.