I am heartbroken

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.


This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.


OP here - I kicked her out of the house, so I guess I'm not supportive. I am in shock and distancing myself to think.

Are you trying to write a book? Maybe you could title it:
How To Make a Bad Situation Worse
or, perhaps
How to Ensure the Worst Possible Outcome For my Daughter?
or, maybe
How to Never Be a Part of My Grandchildren's Lives?

She's your daughter. Help her. This is the time. Remember when you looked into that beautiful infant's eyes and promised to be there for her, no matter what? Well, here is the time to make good on that promise. It was easy to say those words back then, but the real mettle is shown when the chips are down.


Oh, put a sock in it. The girl has gone over to her own father's house. He's her parent, too.
Anonymous
I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.
Anonymous


I would encourage her to have the boyfriend talk to the military recruiters- Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Marrying the boyfriend if he enlists would link her to a lot of
social services. Most enlisted soldiers have kids at a young age. The best schools are on/near military bases and family would have housing, secure paycheck, good medical care
and access to a lot of social services and access to additional education.

I think this might be their only good choice.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.


OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.
Anonymous
You don't have to pretend to be happy about this nor do you have to tell your DD that it is all going to be o.k. It is actually good that you are giving her a dose of reality - things are not going to be rainbows and snowflakes. You are very concerned and you have a reason to be.

You are being up front and honest with her which is fine.


Absolutely agree with this. OP---you should plainly state what you are and are not prepared to do so that she and boyfriend and boyfriend's parents are all clear on where you stand and no one is looking to you to be the responsible adult in this situation. Were it me, I would be saying: I do not believe you have the maturity, the education or the resources to parent a child at this point in your life. I will pay for you to terminate this pregnancy and will offer $XX amount for you to continue with school/educational training so that you can stand on your own as an adult. Alternatively, I will work with you to develop an adoption plan with a reputable agency. I will NOT parent your child. I will not offer free housing, free childcare or financial support.

Maybe boyfriend's parents will take her in. Maybe her father will now have to figure this out. My guess is that when those parties hear that you aren't going to solve this all for them, there will be more adults pressuring them to make responsible decisions.

She is going to hate you for some period of time. If she goes against every expectation you have about her and her boyfriend's behavior and lack of maturity and somehow pulls herself together, then you could step in later and offer additional support. But right now it sounds like she is in fantasy land and you will be doing her (and yourself) a disservice if you perpetuate that magical thinking.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.


Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.


OP here - how was your husband a good provider unless he was much older than you?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.


Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.


OP here - how was your husband a good provider unless he was much older than you?


She married an older guy (24) with an established 6 years in the military. Shortly after they married, he started his own company and she stayed home. He was not a teenager, far from it. That isn't to say that he wasn't a remarkable guy but he wasn't exactly a teenager living in his parents' basement when she met him, either.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.


This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.


OP here - I kicked her out of the house, so I guess I'm not supportive. I am in shock and distancing myself to think.

Are you trying to write a book? Maybe you could title it:
How To Make a Bad Situation Worse
or, perhaps
How to Ensure the Worst Possible Outcome For my Daughter?
or, maybe
How to Never Be a Part of My Grandchildren's Lives?

She's your daughter. Help her. This is the time. Remember when you looked into that beautiful infant's eyes and promised to be there for her, no matter what? Well, here is the time to make good on that promise. It was easy to say those words back then, but the real mettle is shown when the chips are down.


I'm not the OP, but I'm pretty sure most people don't do that whole gazing-into-eyes, "I promise I'll be there for you no matter what" thing upon giving birth. You're kinda making that up.


lol, seriously.

Talk about writing a book...
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years


Okay, let's say it's 16. Is that really better?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years


I see them through college. For me, it would be 22 years.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.



OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.


PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

And, honestly, OP - please don't play in to all of the people who want to make you wrong for not wanting to allow this to adversely affect your life (if that is true). Yes, it will be a human. But, if DD decides to take this on and then peace out, there are other options than you having to raise it. Her dad can. The father can. The father's parents can. Or, they can go into the foster system/be put up for adoption. it's sad - but this is 100% your daughter's/the father's responsibility to bear - not yours.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years


Well, people are saying that OP should still provide housing and financial support for her 18 year old daughter, so 22 years seems to be closer to the expectations, no?

You can’t have it both ways...

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years


Okay, let's say it's 16. Is that really better?


In my experience it is 5-6.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.


It wouldn’t be 22 years


Well, people are saying that OP should still provide housing and financial support for her 18 year old daughter, so 22 years seems to be closer to the expectations, no?

You can’t have it both ways...



22 more years would make her daughter 40... so no!
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