How can you cheat and not think about how it will affect your kids?

[Anonymous]

To the pp: what happened to your dad after the divorce? Did he get married to the AP and live happily ever after?

[Anonymous]

^ and also how did your relationship with him change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ and also how did your relationship with him change?

I'm not sure if I'm the PP that you're referencing (my dad died) - but before he did, and after a divorce, I just...didn't trust him with my thoughts and feelings. No he didn't marry AP, he had a string of gfs and was full on midlife crisis for a while there.

Our conversations were stilted. Surface topics. I basically looked at him sideways all the time - even if just in my own mind. He tried to be the "cool" dad and all I wanted was the sincere dad. I wanted to know that I could trust him - and I lost that. Our relationship went from me thinking he literally could do no wrong to wondering if he ever really wanted me (at the time). I've since moved past those feelings and grew up but it leaves a scar on your heart if that makes sense. It clouds your relationships that you enter in as an adult - at least it did for me.

I miss him but I don't think of him in the way I think someone would had the events not occurred - it's more a "I wish a had a father that was alive" instead of I wish I had my specific dad. Sounds harsh I know - but this is a fairly anonymous forum so trying to be as honest as possible.

[Anonymous]

This is revealing and thanks you for posting.
Wondering if he ever realized that he had done something that affected everyone including kids or if his viewpoint was that all was great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ and also how did your relationship with him change?

I'm not sure if I'm the PP that you're referencing (my dad died) - but before he did, and after a divorce, I just...didn't trust him with my thoughts and feelings. No he didn't marry AP, he had a string of gfs and was full on midlife crisis for a while there.

Our conversations were stilted. Surface topics. I basically looked at him sideways all the time - even if just in my own mind. He tried to be the "cool" dad and all I wanted was the sincere dad. I wanted to know that I could trust him - and I lost that. Our relationship went from me thinking he literally could do no wrong to wondering if he ever really wanted me (at the time). I've since moved past those feelings and grew up but it leaves a scar on your heart if that makes sense. It clouds your relationships that you enter in as an adult - at least it did for me.

I miss him but I don't think of him in the way I think someone would had the events not occurred - it's more a "I wish a had a father that was alive" instead of I wish I had my specific dad. Sounds harsh I know - but this is a fairly anonymous forum so trying to be as honest as possible.

NP. My now Ex cheated. He thinks he's a great dad, but the same character traits that made him cheat create problems of his own making with the kids. People who cheat engage in a double-life -- not just with their AP and spouse, but also in various dimensions with all the people in their lives. It's a key characteristic of cheaters that they monitor how they appear to different people. Thus, the PPs feeling that she couldn't really talk to him or trust him, because what she found out about his cheating made her realize that he was not the person he held himself out to be. I see this dynamic between my kids and their father -- the lack of trust and the not knowing more than the front that he creates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 teens amd I am a serial cheater. I demand discretion and have never been caught. I won’t get caught as I am ultra careful and leave no evidence whatsoever. How do I not think about my kids? Simple. That is not part of their lives.

My dad was like you. Found out later in life. Only so long you can hide it. It destroyed my relationship with both my parents, especially my dad. I no longer trust him and think any of the good in my childhood was a shame.

There is something very wrong that you would be so heavily invested in your father's sex life and I suspect you struggle with relationships in general.

You are a sociopath. It has nothing to do with sex life, it's about lies and putting energy somewhere other than your children... you could have used the time and energy on your kids, but you didn't.

You will never understand since you are too f'd in the head.

Sexual energy is not the same energy that you'd use toward your children... I hope. You can chew gum and walk at the same time.

Wrong. Every moment you are having sex you could be spending time with your kids. So you are depriving them when you have sex, although depending who you bump genitals with will factor on whether your absentee parenting will be a negative or big negative. Follow along with the logic please.

That is so not true. People who cheat often do it on non-kid times: work travel, lunch, when kids are sleeping after they go to bed, kids in school. In fact some never cheat during the times they would otherwise be with their kids.

[Anonymous]

^^ Stop rationalizing and admit to yourself that cheating can (and when the cheater is exposed almost always does) affect the lives of the cheater’s kids. Accept your character flaw, and the fact that is how almost every single person in your life who knows about it now or eventually finds out about it will view it, most importantly your kids.

[Anonymous]

So you dad told you who he is, and is not, having sex with? Otherwise how exactly did he lie to you?
As to putting energy elsewhere: his romantic sexual energy has NOTHING to do with his children, and your mom did not want this energy, therefore nobody in the family was cheated of anything.
Again, it's YOU who has some weird issue here, confusing an adult's sexual behavior with their child relations. These are totally unrelated (excluding incestuous pedophiles).

You sound like a narcissist with terrible reasoning abilities. In our society, kids who live with married parents generally assume their parents are in a monogamous relationship. When they find out that’s not true and one parent secretaries tge other, it rocks the kids’ world. This really isn’t hard to understand. Stop pretending that everyone’s life is full of neat little boxes, just because that’s what you need to do to rationalize your crappy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Another person here whose dad was a serial cheater. Cheaters are selfish, pure and simple. You fail to look at the big picture or have a long term view of your relationship with your kids. You instead choose to live in the moment and fulfill your own desires while telling yourself that as long as you are discreet and your kids don't know now, all is well. Guess what? They grow up.

And they will be affected no matter how much you try to compartmentalize and justify your behavior. Afraid to get a divorce because it will tear apart the family? You've already done that. The effects are the same, just delayed.

[Anonymous]

Several of the posters have been so transparent about how they felt as children of cheaters. It is quite revealing. This is the real value of this forum. Thanks to all of you.

This does beg the question whether cheaters can really gauge the impact of their actions on others.

[Anonymous]

I'm 29. My dad cheated on my mom, and unfortunately I was the one who discovered the affair. My dad has a way more powerful and high earning job with great connections, and my mom works as a school admin. If he wanted to he could have decimated her in a divorce, so I told her so she could get things ready to divorce him.

It's been two years but things are very terse and cordial with my dad. He imploded my family because he wanted pussy. I will never forgive him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Stop rationalizing and admit to yourself that cheating can (and when the cheater is exposed almost always does) affect the lives of the cheater’s kids. Accept your character flaw, and the fact that is how almost every single person in your life who knows about it now or eventually finds out about it will view it, most importantly your kids.

Many affairs are never detected. Stop letting your own fears about infidelity color what other peoples lives are actually like there are many cases of people cheat and kids never find out I know does nor does anybody else and it has nothing to do with the kids. Discreet sex can be discreet sex. Sex with in a marriage does not affect kids and sex outside of marriage does not affect kids—it’s the same thing.

Smart people don’t tell anybody and they never get found out. Even if they did who cares? Marriage Probably wasn’t going to last anyway and it was about everything else other than sex.

[Anonymous]

Would love to hear from cheaters now that many of the children have spoken. This stuff impacts at least the next generation in to adulthood. Pretty powerful to realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 29. My dad cheated on my mom, and unfortunately I was the one who discovered the affair. My dad has a way more powerful and high earning job with great connections, and my mom works as a school admin. If he wanted to he could have decimated her in a divorce, so I told her so she could get things ready to divorce him.

It's been two years but things are very terse and cordial with my dad. He imploded my family because he wanted pussy. I will never forgive him.

Wow. I'm curious how you worked up the courage to tell your mom and how she reacted? How did she "get ready" to divorce him? How did you and she manage to keep it secret that you knew and for how long?

Good for you for recognizing wrong when you saw it and protecting the more vulnerable person in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ Stop rationalizing and admit to yourself that cheating can (and when the cheater is exposed almost always does) affect the lives of the cheater’s kids. Accept your character flaw, and the fact that is how almost every single person in your life who knows about it now or eventually finds out about it will view it, most importantly your kids.

Stop acting like 2 adults having sex has ANY effect on their children. Most cases the so-called cheater isn't even cheating: their spouse lost interest in sex and the normal libido spouse is simply meeting that need elsewhere in order to keep the marriage together for the benefit of the kids.