Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should talk with family law attorneys about how utterly clueless most men are when they turn up to file themselves (rare) or when they get the 5-day letter to call back their wife’s lawyer.

More women’s work.

Lawyers love clueless clients who simply want to fight. They’ll milk that for $10000s and as many years as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe. You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

The day before mine decided he wanted a divorce he texted me about going to a concert a few weeks later. I truly believe he just wanted to keep having his affair but when I said I knew what was going on he ran away.

Mine was always unstable. He’d throw a temper tantrum, threaten divorce, then the next day ask about family summer travel plans. Destabilizing.
The kind of irrational wildcard. He’d come home with a new sports car or pet dog and have zero idea how to insure it or take care of it, but hey, cool idea, someone else can go make it happen!

He was also ASD I, tested at age 39, and wasn’t working with a full deck. So I knew I had to be ready for anything and just get the kids smart and independent, plus advance my career and friend groups.

Mine would threaten divorce and then the next week talk about how we should sell the house and move to be closer to his family. He wasn't even trying to make me crazy, he just wasn't operating in reality. We are still together, but separate rooms/coparenting. I told him not to bring up divorce again until he's filing, and that was a few years ago and he hasn't.

I think if I filed, he would still describe it as coming out of nowhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should talk with family law attorneys about how utterly clueless most men are when they turn up to file themselves (rare) or when they get the 5-day letter to call back their wife’s lawyer.

More women’s work.

Lawyers love clueless clients who simply want to fight. They’ll milk that for $10000s and as many years as possible.

The problem is when one party is duped into litigating the other party has no choice but to litigate. It totally sucks. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe. You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

The day before mine decided he wanted a divorce he texted me about going to a concert a few weeks later. I truly believe he just wanted to keep having his affair but when I said I knew what was going on he ran away.

Immature and bad values: Easier to leave than be accountable and change.

He probably didn’t think anything through either- implications for assets, children, future holidays, house, retirement, wills.

No worries, some ex or new or lawyer woman can tell him what to do later.

We literally had a 15 minute conversation where I said I knew what was going on, he laid out all my character flaws and why I was a terrible wife, I told him he didn't seem able to take any accountability and that it was wild that a decades long marriage simply happened to him, and that was the end of the discussion and we have never spoken since except through lawyers. 🤷‍♀️

You handled that well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

I'm curious about this statement. I am a financially independent woman but I love my husband and he is my best friend and while I don't NEED him in the sense that I could survive on my own, I am crushed at the thought of him leaving me. I love our life and our family and I would be heartbroken if it were to implode. Are you happily married? I know you say you love your husband, but if you love being with him, why would you be so nonchalant about him leaving? Would I be FINE if my husband left? I mean, sure, I am pretty strong and I could support myself and my kids but I am not indifferent to his presence at all! We both travel for fun (I am heading out for a girls' weekend shortly) but I miss him when he's gone although I appreciate the time apart. I just don't want to imagine a future where we're not together, so I'm shocked that you are so cavalier about it.

It just speaks to the perspectives of the posters this forum attracts.

More likely it speaks to that she married a functional and loving husband who doesn’t disrespect or neglect the family.

Huh? I'm married to a functional and loving husband who doesn't disrespect or neglect our family and I would be devastated if he left me. The PP acts like she couldn't care less if her husband stays or goes, which I find to be a strange mindset for someone who proclaims to be in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

You sound really grounded.

I bet your daughters are too!

I disagree.

The wife in the OP will be fine too. People who go through even worse will be fine too. It's silly to downplay the devastation that one rightly feels from having to adjust to new challenges and hurdles because of a divorce because, " they will be fine" when the dust settles.

Pp is stupid/naive if she thinks that these teenagers' lives would not be more difficult if they have to deal with the insecurity of step siblings from their father ( which will probably be the case in the OP since he is marrying a much younger woman).

Which mother wants that for her children? Yes, they will adjust in the end, but there will be trauma. There will be most likely be lifelong tension around step children and insecurities surrounding those relationships.

If marriage is not important to you, don't make the commitment. Go ahead and have your kids outside of the institution. Don't bring up kids under its warm embrace and then snatch it someday because " they will be fine".

Ofcourse no one is saying stay at all cost. But downplaying the downsides of breaking up a marriage when children are involved is stupid and selfish.

She is grounded i reality because she knows this is possible (it always is). And she has built a life that is not entirely dependent on another adult , whom she cannot control.

Very mature and wise.

I think it's kind of sad to be married to someone you couldn't care less about. I'm not financially dependent on my husband, but I don't think we'd have a real marriage if we weren't emotionally vulnerable with each other. How do you even have friendships without being vulnerable? Of course that then gives them the power to hurt you, but that's where trust comes in. I'm not dependent on anyone else but I'd be crushed if my close friends or husband betrayed me.

How old are you that you don’t know anyone’s marriage where trust is broken? Trust they pitch in, trust they put the kids first, trust they don’t cheat, trust with your feelings, trust they priorities their spouse & kids, trust they aren’t hiding income or assets.?.

I don't understand your question. I know plenty of marriages where trust has been broken. My point is that if you DON'T CARE IF THAT TRUST IS BROKEN, which is what the PP said, then what kind of marriage do you even have?

[Anonymous]

I'm sure she was one of those women who decided that sex was no longer important. Hard to feel sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure she was one of those women who decided that sex was no longer important. Hard to feel sorry.

Do you always mix up the stories you make up about strangers with reality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

I'm curious about this statement. I am a financially independent woman but I love my husband and he is my best friend and while I don't NEED him in the sense that I could survive on my own, I am crushed at the thought of him leaving me. I love our life and our family and I would be heartbroken if it were to implode. Are you happily married? I know you say you love your husband, but if you love being with him, why would you be so nonchalant about him leaving? Would I be FINE if my husband left? I mean, sure, I am pretty strong and I could support myself and my kids but I am not indifferent to his presence at all! We both travel for fun (I am heading out for a girls' weekend shortly) but I miss him when he's gone although I appreciate the time apart. I just don't want to imagine a future where we're not together, so I'm shocked that you are so cavalier about it.

He’s my best friend too but if he opts to step outside our marriage and leave, I will see him as he is for that choice. I won’t mourn a relationship if he chooses to do that. I’d be surprised, but I will build a life without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Keep telling yourself that if it helps you sleep better at night.

Though she was a total idiot with the prenup.

The guy was a hedge funder who lived separately in Manhattan for months out of the year from her and the kids, including summers. He had many controlling behaviors surrounding money, including getting her to commingle the money from her trust. He was conflict avoidant and, by her own admission, their physical relationship “had cooled considerably” over the course of twenty years.

He seemed like a narcissist who had cheated throughout the course of the marriage. There’s no way the woman he left her for was the first woman he had an affair with. He was living like the kind of guy who had given multiple hookers Amex cards. Belle was the woman he was “supposed” to marry. From a respectable family, passive, didn’t ask too many questions, attractive but not too sexy. He dumped her as soon as the COVID lockdown interrupted his little routine.

While I don’t doubt she was blindsided, all the signs were there.

She was weak. All of the signs were there. She's an attorney - she recognized them, but she still gave up all of her power in her marriage. Weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure she was one of those women who decided that sex was no longer important. Hard to feel sorry.

There are many reasons that marriages might go for periods without sex. Shockingly enough, it works both ways. If a partner is unhappy with the state of affairs (no pun intended), the answer is to openly communicate that. The majority of people saying they experienced this are also saying there was no communication that anyone was unhappy. Perhaps the marriage would have still ended in divorce, but a spouse deserves more than an FYI on the way out the door. But then it wouldn't be a surprise, and what fun is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What OP forgets is that the spouse, being so successful, has earned the right to move on from the starter marriage. If spouse is 52 and can pull a hotter 35-year-old woman, good on him. He’s putting in a ton of hard work over the years, and should be able to capitalize on his good fortune.

By capitalize, he mtake his half of the marital property, pay his ex child support and possibly alimony, pay for his first set of kids to go to college, then start all over with his hot 35-year-old who will surely want kids of her own. Starting all over includes sleepless nights with babies, chasing toddles, starting new 529 plans while putting the older set up kids through college (news flash, new wife will raise hell if he doesn't), teenagers (so fun staying up until midnight on weeknights waiting for them to come come), and then college all over. What a way to spend the next decade. Oh yes, and men seem to forget that all women age, even the "hot" 35 year old is going to be 52 someday, too. Have fun.

[Anonymous]

My best friend's husband did this, but left out the affair part, gaslit her for months telling her it was just her--he didn't love her anymore. Affair came out months later and may have been going on for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What OP forgets is that the spouse, being so successful, has earned the right to move on from the starter marriage. If spouse is 52 and can pull a hotter 35-year-old woman, good on him. He’s putting in a ton of hard work over the years, and should be able to capitalize on his good fortune.

By capitalize, he mtake his half of the marital property, pay his ex child support and possibly alimony, pay for his first set of kids to go to college, then start all over with his hot 35-year-old who will surely want kids of her own. Starting all over includes sleepless nights with babies, chasing toddles, starting new 529 plans while putting the older set up kids through college (news flash, new wife will raise hell if he doesn't), teenagers (so fun staying up until midnight on weeknights waiting for them to come come), and then college all over. What a way to spend the next decade. Oh yes, and men seem to forget that all women age, even the "hot" 35 year old is going to be 52 someday, too. Have fun.

Exactly this. My next door neighbor is playing dad again at age 54, to a set of newborn IVF twins with the younger wife. She promptly quit her job and demanded a nanny too. Meanwhile his ex-wife has rebuilt a great life and their children are close to her, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

I'm curious about this statement. I am a financially independent woman but I love my husband and he is my best friend and while I don't NEED him in the sense that I could survive on my own, I am crushed at the thought of him leaving me. I love our life and our family and I would be heartbroken if it were to implode. Are you happily married? I know you say you love your husband, but if you love being with him, why would you be so nonchalant about him leaving? Would I be FINE if my husband left? I mean, sure, I am pretty strong and I could support myself and my kids but I am not indifferent to his presence at all! We both travel for fun (I am heading out for a girls' weekend shortly) but I miss him when he's gone although I appreciate the time apart. I just don't want to imagine a future where we're not together, so I'm shocked that you are so cavalier about it.

It just speaks to the perspectives of the posters this forum attracts.

More likely it speaks to that she married a functional and loving husband who doesn’t disrespect or neglect the family.

Huh? I'm married to a functional and loving husband who doesn't disrespect or neglect our family and I would be devastated if he left me.

The PP acts like she couldn't care less if her husband stays or goes, which I find to be a strange mindset for someone who proclaims to be in love.

She didn’t proclaim to be in love with him or not.

She only said she loved her life and family, misses him when he’s gone while appreciating the time apart.

Either way, who knows what the roles are inside a marriage or house unless you’re there 24/7