Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think what gets me about stories like this is how casually some people destroy entire ecosystems of human attachment.

A man wakes up at 52, feels bored or emotionally flat or newly validated by younger attention, and suddenly decades of shared life become disposable collateral damage.

Meanwhile his wife’s reality is shattered overnight and his daughters now carry this story into adulthood forever. Into their future relationships, trust, nervous systems, holidays, views of men, sense of stability, all of it.

And I know people love to say “well people deserve happiness.” Sure. But adulthood is partly about understanding that your pursuit of personal fulfillment can profoundly wound other people, especially the people who built their lives around you.

Also “please don’t make this messy for the girls” after detonating the family is honestly incredible. Like sir… you already made it messy. The trauma already happened. You left your wife of decades for a coworker 17 years younger and blew up your daughters’ sense of stability in one conversation. There is zero version of that which stays neat and un-messy just because you’d prefer it.

A lot of these men seem to think feeling empty at 50 means they married the wrong woman. Usually, it just means they’ve spent decades avoiding themselves and their own issues.

Then eventually they realize, too late, that the younger woman, the excitement, the validation, the fantasy of reinvention… did not actually fix whatever was broken internally in the first place. Meanwhile the wife and children lose the future they thought they were moving toward, and unlike the a**hole chasing reinvention, they didn't get a choice.

And the damage is not limited to the divorce years. It ripples forward for decades.

Every holiday forever.
Every family gathering.
Future weddings.
Grandchildren.
Who hosts Christmas.
Who feels comfortable “coming home.”
Who takes care of aging parents.
How money and inheritance get divided.
Whether siblings drift apart.
Whether the original children quietly feel replaced by the newer life.

People act like these are temporary disruptions. They’re not. In many families, the brokeness is forever.

Marriage is not a temporary self-improvement retreat you leave once it stops feeling exciting.

It is a commitment you made to actual human beings. Your spouse. Your children. Your family. The life you built.

You’re unhappy? Go to therapy. Develop emotional skills. Deal with your trauma. Get hobbies. Take up pickleball. Start lifting weights. Learn pottery. Touch grass. Welcome to middle age.

Life gets repetitive sometimes. Marriage gets hard sometimes. Parenting gets exhausting sometimes. That is adulthood.

The idea that “I deserve happiness” automatically justifies detonating a multi-decade family system is honestly one of the most narcissistic cultural narratives we’ve normalized.

I really look down on men who do this.

I am the NP above who is going through this right now. It really is unbelievable how willing they are to blow up everything. This is the thing that gets me - who among us wouldn’t love to live the Fantasy of getting a brand new apartment in a really cool place and going out to bars every night for happy hour with no responsibilities besides ourselves. The big difference is I am aware and understand my responsibilities and apparently he doesn’t give a sh!t. Also, I would much rather be with my kids (most of the time

I went through this a few years ago. I'm so sorry. The shock was like nothing I had ever experienced. And my mind was blown by these very same things. It bore no resemblance to the person I'd been married to for 2+ decades. The revisionist history was soul crushing. Because it's anonymous, I'll admit that I initially thought he would come to his senses and realize that his actions were completely crazy and that our marriage might not have been perfect, because none are, but there wasn't anything that was insurmountable. He never looked back. I remain heartbroken for me and for our kids. The fury and bewilderment has mostly faded, but I am still profoundly sad. I miss the person I married every day, but the person he is now is a stranger.

I'm really sorry for what you and the PP went through. I haven't experienced this with my spouse but I did with a close friend and it was frightening to see the transformation of someone I knew into someone I don't even recognize. I don't think before that I believed that something like that could happen but it was shocking to witness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe.

You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

Same. They’re not planning. They just hear something, decide, do it and never reflect.

My Ex wasn’t involved in running the house or developing the children so with more in my plate plus my career, getting through the day today by myself was a win. Meanwhile he was only doing stuff for himself or his work. Refused to get involved. Argue that he was busy. Would however show up at parties or vacations and post photos.

Then one day he woke up, and as a selfish hypocrit, said he deserves attention and love, and left. The girls were older then and saw through that.

[Anonymous]

How cliche!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe. You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

The day before mine decided he wanted a divorce he texted me about going to a concert a few weeks later. I truly believe he just wanted to keep having his affair but when I said I knew what was going on he ran away.

Immature and bad values: Easier to leave than be accountable and change.

He probably didn’t think anything through either- implications for assets, children, future holidays, house, retirement, wills.

No worries, some ex or new or lawyer woman can tell him what to do later.

[Anonymous]

You should talk with family law attorneys about how utterly clueless most men are when they turn up to file themselves (rare) or when they get the 5-day letter to call back their wife’s lawyer.

More women’s work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How cliche!

Men of a certain age are cliches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I mean, that doesn't sound like a great marriage to me. Clearly there were cracks.

I know someone whose husband did the same thing but after the initial shock wore off I realized I wasn't actually that surprised - their marriage wasn't that great.

I'm sorry for your friend, that sounds awful, but if I had to list the people I'd expect something like this to happen to, it's all the ones where their marriages aren't very strong. Now, if it happened to some of my friends I would be jaw-on-the-floor shocked. But others? Sad, of course, but not all that surprised.

I think only a minority of people have GREAT marriages. Do you disagree PP?

I'm the PP. I'll use our neighborhood as a sample size because I can reasonably analyze that amount of people.

In no particular order:

Couple 1 - I thought their marriage was rocky when I met them 10 years ago and I was right, they divorced about a year after that
Couple 2 - married 30 years, great marriage
Couple 3 - married 20 years, great marriage
Couple 4 - married 30 years, great marriage
Couple 5 - married 20 years, great marriage
Couple 6 - married 15 years, great marriage
Couple 7 - married 25 years, lots of cracks over the years, divorcing right now
Couple 8 - I didn't think their marriage was that great but didn't think it was as terrible as it was but I also didn't spend a lot of time with them, they divorced in 2020
Couple 9 - married 15 years, some cracks but both seem committed to the marriage, currently in therapy
Couple 10 - married 15 years, some issues but they love each other fiercely and have a pretty great marriage
Couple 11 - married 10 years, some major issues with alcoholism but she hasn't left him yet so who knows, I'd say their marriage is pretty terrible
Couple 12 - married 15 years, great marriage
Couple 13 - married 15 years, great marriage
Couple 14 - married 10 years, great marriage
Couple 15 - married 25 years, great marriage

So yes, most of the people I know would likely rate their marriages as great. We all spend a lot of time together, our kids all go to school together (different grades, but private school), the dads go on trips together, the moms go on trips together, various families vacation together, etc. We talk a lot and support each other and see all the couples in a lot of different situations (including stressful ones, we've all suffered loss of parent, loss of job, sick kids, etc. to some degree). Some are religious, some aren't. Most are dual-income, some are miliary, some wives out earn their husbands, some are same-sex marriages. Everyone has at least one advanced degree if not more, all are UMC.

If I expanded outside of this group and thought about my best friends from high school, college, and beyond, I would say that most of us have great marriages. We're not perfect, no one is perfect, and who knows what the future will bring, but when I read the posts on DCUM with people saying that all men are useless, etc., I just don't relate. Those aren't the men I grew up with (my dad wasn't like that, my friends' dads were not like that) and they're not the men I'm around now (my husband, my friends' husbands, my male friends). You can say I don't know what goes on behind closed doors all you want, but I haven't been surprised by a single divorce (they all had some pretty serious cracks/issues), and again, we do talk. You can discount my experience all you want, it doesn't bother me, this is just what I see.

You're so full of it. You know the status of 20 couples in your neighborhood and they've all been married some amount of time that is divisible by 5? When you're making shit up like this, you really need to do better.

No, I rounded because I wasn't going to actually calculate the lengths of all the marriages. I also wasn't looking to provide real identifying information. You can always scroll past posts you don't like, you know. Why you think someone would bother to make this up is weird.

As was obvious to all of us non-trolls who read and appreciated your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

I'm curious about this statement. I am a financially independent woman but I love my husband and he is my best friend and while I don't NEED him in the sense that I could survive on my own, I am crushed at the thought of him leaving me. I love our life and our family and I would be heartbroken if it were to implode. Are you happily married? I know you say you love your husband, but if you love being with him, why would you be so nonchalant about him leaving? Would I be FINE if my husband left? I mean, sure, I am pretty strong and I could support myself and my kids but I am not indifferent to his presence at all! We both travel for fun (I am heading out for a girls' weekend shortly) but I miss him when he's gone although I appreciate the time apart. I just don't want to imagine a future where we're not together, so I'm shocked that you are so cavalier about it.

It just speaks to the perspectives of the posters this forum attracts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe. You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

The day before mine decided he wanted a divorce he texted me about going to a concert a few weeks later. I truly believe he just wanted to keep having his affair but when I said I knew what was going on he ran away.

Mine was always unstable. He’d throw a temper tantrum, threaten divorce, then the next day ask about family summer travel plans. Destabilizing.
The kind of irrational wildcard. He’d come home with a new sports car or pet dog and have zero idea how to insure it or take care of it, but hey, cool idea, someone else can go make it happen!

He was also ASD I, tested at age 39, and wasn’t working with a full deck. So I knew I had to be ready for anything and just get the kids smart and independent, plus advance my career and friend groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

I'm curious about this statement. I am a financially independent woman but I love my husband and he is my best friend and while I don't NEED him in the sense that I could survive on my own, I am crushed at the thought of him leaving me. I love our life and our family and I would be heartbroken if it were to implode. Are you happily married? I know you say you love your husband, but if you love being with him, why would you be so nonchalant about him leaving? Would I be FINE if my husband left? I mean, sure, I am pretty strong and I could support myself and my kids but I am not indifferent to his presence at all! We both travel for fun (I am heading out for a girls' weekend shortly) but I miss him when he's gone although I appreciate the time apart. I just don't want to imagine a future where we're not together, so I'm shocked that you are so cavalier about it.

It just speaks to the perspectives of the posters this forum attracts.

More likely it speaks to that she married a functional and loving husband who doesn’t disrespect or neglect the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should talk with family law attorneys about how utterly clueless most men are when they turn up to file themselves (rare) or when they get the 5-day letter to call back their wife’s lawyer.

More women’s work.

This.

Most often it’s the man who is blindsided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t view my husband as a “ profound moral obligation”, that’s crazy. He can stay or he can go, I will be fine. I will also help my children through the process if needed. Marriage is so outdated in my opinion. Just because we decide something at 27, doesn’t mean it needs to carry over until I’m 90 or die. I have a realistic view, most marriages don’t work or aren’t very happy. I love my husband and have never cheated and I don’t think he has but I’m not naive enough to believe it’s not a possibility and I will certainly make sure I will be fine in the event our marriage doesn’t last.

You sound really grounded.

I bet your daughters are too!

I disagree.

The wife in the OP will be fine too. People who go through even worse will be fine too. It's silly to downplay the devastation that one rightly feels from having to adjust to new challenges and hurdles because of a divorce because, " they will be fine" when the dust settles.

Pp is stupid/naive if she thinks that these teenagers' lives would not be more difficult if they have to deal with the insecurity of step siblings from their father ( which will probably be the case in the OP since he is marrying a much younger woman).

Which mother wants that for her children? Yes, they will adjust in the end, but there will be trauma. There will be most likely be lifelong tension around step children and insecurities surrounding those relationships.

If marriage is not important to you, don't make the commitment. Go ahead and have your kids outside of the institution. Don't bring up kids under its warm embrace and then snatch it someday because " they will be fine".

Ofcourse no one is saying stay at all cost. But downplaying the downsides of breaking up a marriage when children are involved is stupid and selfish.

She is grounded i reality because she knows this is possible (it always is). And she has built a life that is not entirely dependent on another adult , whom she cannot control.

Very mature and wise.

I think it's kind of sad to be married to someone you couldn't care less about. I'm not financially dependent on my husband, but I don't think we'd have a real marriage if we weren't emotionally vulnerable with each other. How do you even have friendships without being vulnerable? Of course that then gives them the power to hurt you, but that's where trust comes in. I'm not dependent on anyone else but I'd be crushed if my close friends or husband betrayed me.

How old are you that you don’t know anyone’s marriage where trust is broken? Trust they pitch in, trust they put the kids first, trust they don’t cheat, trust with your feelings, trust they priorities their spouse & kids, trust they aren’t hiding income or assets.?.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should talk with family law attorneys about how utterly clueless most men are when they turn up to file themselves (rare) or when they get the 5-day letter to call back their wife’s lawyer.

More women’s work.

This.

Most often it’s the man who is blindsided.

They’re not actually blindsided that their marriage is ending, since they know they aren’t holding up their side of the relationship.

But they are blindsided by the mechanics and lifelong ramifications of divorce. But they just stuff it down like everything else, pretend it’s not there, and let others deal with the fallout and arrange things.

Ignorance is bliss. So is denial, and delusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not unheard of and sorry, but sometimes it’s not preventable. This is why Belle Burden’s book is a bestseller. So many women can relate.

Also, I hope you fudged some of the identifying details about your friend.

Belle Burden is whatever the opposite of hyper vigilant is and there were zillions of signs leading up to her husband leaving.

Perhaps there were signs. I didn't pay a lot of attention to them either. Addressing the state of my marriage was something I knew I needed to tackle but I wasn't quite ready. When I did finally address it because the red flags could no longer be ignored, mine said he wanted a divorce. He was caught, he panicked, he fled. Her and my lack of vigilance does not grant a blanket excuse for the subsequent behavior of our exes.

And mine. Long marriages go through ups and downs. The downs were not dramatic. We had been married for more than 2 decades and had successfully weathered some hard stuff. Only in hindsight can I pick out a few red flags or signs, but still not many that would have caused suspicion. I didn’t worry because I didn’t think there was any need to worry. Will I ever trust like that again? Nope. Was I a fool? Maybe. You don’t think your husband is planning to leave when he’s still saying and doing all the normal things and nothing significant appears to have changed.

The day before mine decided he wanted a divorce he texted me about going to a concert a few weeks later. I truly believe he just wanted to keep having his affair but when I said I knew what was going on he ran away.

Immature and bad values: Easier to leave than be accountable and change.

He probably didn’t think anything through either- implications for assets, children, future holidays, house, retirement, wills.

No worries, some ex or new or lawyer woman can tell him what to do later.

We literally had a 15 minute conversation where I said I knew what was going on, he laid out all my character flaws and why I was a terrible wife, I told him he didn't seem able to take any accountability and that it was wild that a decades long marriage simply happened to him, and that was the end of the discussion and we have never spoken since except through lawyers. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

So pathetic that they attempt to blame someone else for their chronic shortcomings and failures.

Exactly how you do not want to raise your kids. Unless you want to raise a monster or bully.