Be honest- what do you think about women who are content to be just wives and mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do what makes me happy and I'm happy for any other woman who gets to do what makes her happy, whether that is staying at home or having a career.

The only people who get worked up about this topic are those who are insecure with their own choice (or lack of choice, as the case may be).

Exactly. Hopefully most people can look back on their lives after raising their children and feel good about their choice.

+100. The people on here who get angry and say judgemental and mean spirited things about other women’s choices around work, family size, type of school, etc must feel really insecure or conflicted about their own choices and instead of grappling with that are externalizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I currently work outside of the home but I was also a SAHM for 5 years. Basically, I'm happiest when I work outside of the home.

Making myself happy leads to an overall happier household. Those two things are most important, IMO.

When another woman tells me she's a fulltime SAHM, I think nothing about it. It just means that it works best for their family.

The only thing that bugs me re: moms is when they have email addresses like [e-mail] or [e-mail]. Just make your email address some combination of your first and last name, please.

This could be me writing this. SAHM for five years, but work is better for us all. I don't judge anyone for being or wanting to be a SAHM except a relative of mine whose husband list his job, was out of work for a while, home foreclosed. He climbed out of the mess eventually but she never worked during this time and never has. (She also had one of those mom2kids email addresses.) One of the reasons I went back to work was because my husband was laid off and then we both continued working. So I don't understand someone who won't help out for the sake of the family. I just think it's a strange choice, bur also none of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do what makes me happy and I'm happy for any other woman who gets to do what makes her happy, whether that is staying at home or having a career.

The only people who get worked up about this topic are those who are insecure with their own choice (or lack of choice, as the case may be).

Exactly. Hopefully most people can look back on their lives after raising their children and feel good about their choice.

+100. The people on here who get angry and say judgemental and mean spirited things about other women’s choices around work, family size, type of school, etc must feel really insecure or conflicted about their own choices and instead of grappling with that are externalizing.

I’m the one who sent my older kids to daycare. Although they turned out great and probably benefit from my being home with them now, I feel guilt from when they were babies and toddlers. With my first, my mom watched my baby when I went back to work. I worked long hours and couldn’t breastfeed as long as I wanted. I missed many milestones. I switched to a more manageable 40 hours but it was still a lot of time away. I switched to PT (30 hours) and that was a good balance between work and kids but I still felt like I didn’t spent as much quality time with the kids. PT, almost FT, was the worst because I had this supposedly flexible job but basically I had to do FT work in PT hours and because I could work from home, I often did the work throughout the day and I was working at night after the kids went to bed. I did not enjoy any of those working situations.

I am much happier not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already responded, but actually, what do you mean by “just wives and mothers”? Like they literally don’t do anything else? Or are you including people who volunteer, study, and have other skills but you just mean that they don’t earn active income?

This question is misogynistic and upholds a toxic patriarchal idea that women must be martyrs and self sacrifice and lose themselves. Why can’t someone stay at home and take care of their children and themselves too. Why do women need to check every box not just a mom and wife box to be good enough as this question implies. And these responses are on occasion equally toxic. A woman who is a SAHP to elementary school children who, by the way, are not in school 5 days a week throughout the entire year and have mental, behavioral, and physical needs and needs and issues that require care - is entitled to be tired. How broken do you need to be to say someone isn’t allowed to express exhaustion. And I work full time and have little kids. There is so little compassion on here for others and ourselves.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

I understand that you want this to be true, and that it’s what you tell yourself. But it just isn’t.

+1 Not my experience or that of any of the women I know. I'm sure it happens though. Even women who work can be treated as dependent and disempowered by ar$ehole, controlling spouses, and for many of them divorce tends to go very poorly after years of emotional abuse. (I'm not sure what PP means by optionality in this context; perhaps a different word was intended.)

Optionality was intended. I don't care if you have the best husband in the world. The legal framework for divorce and alimony has changed, and most people don't realize it. You don't have optionality if you can't leave for financial instability or even uncertainty. I actually have a very supportive, non-controlling husband. Life can go sideways, though, and the structures that used to be there aren't anymore. Have options.

Ok, well, it is a terrible word, and I suggest we all strike it from our vocabulary. https://www.cjr.org/analysis/there_ought_to_be_alternative.php
The bolded sentence is unnecessarily impenetrable.

What you are saying is that people should have options. We do. If something goes sideways, we have options. Until then, the option I choose is to maintain flexibility by not being anyone's employee, even though the necessary work I am doing does not earn an income for me. It is patronizing to assume women don't know their own situation and haven't thought through the possibilities.

And, yes, a woman can always leave, even if it is hard. There are ways. Don't ever tell someone they don't have the choice to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to know what their Plan B is when the kids leave for college or if a divorce happens.

This is me.

I bought a condo on an island. Play pickleball, workout, read, and take many online college courses for personal enrichment. Next year I’m going on 6 month cruise on a Road Scholar trip.

Was me too. I stayed home because I had a trust so had protection. Even with that DH drained all our accounts and left me nothing but debt. I’d never ever advise my daughters to stay at home without their own money (and enough to support them for life).

Like it or not SAH makes you vulnerable. I’m sure you all think you married well- but disease addiction TBI, affair- anything can happen. Protect yourself and your kids- always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inspired by a quote by Nicole Kosman’s character from the Expats. What do you truly think about women who just want to stay home, tend to the family and are happiest doing this if they can afford to?

Sounds boring as heck to me but to each their own. If they are happy I am happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we disparaging corporate jobs as devoid of societal value? Your paycheck helps provide for, enrich, and better your family. You (hopefully) pay taxes on your wages, which better society as a whole. Your corporation/organization does or makes something or provides some service to society...just because it might not be the cure to cancer doesn't mean its valueless. And your organization/corporation employs others who need their paychecks to support their family (support staff, janitorial crew, even I guess breadwinner dads, etc.) whom the company would not be able to hire if they were not profitable thanks to all their workers' work. Etc...

Anyways, I don't have one single negative thought about SAHMs (if my job had been less flexible, less WFH, etc., I would most likely be one).

There are so many different ways to be both personally fulfilled and contribute to society as whole.

I think a lot of people feel the need to disparage other people’s work, whether in or out of the house. It’s sad behavior to watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I don't understand it. It's just not how I'm wired. It's funny because I was raised to be that traditional woman, and I have thought my life may have been better ifI could have been satisfied with being a wife and mother, but I couldn't.

Seems to be working for a few I grew up with so different strokes for different folks and all that

I’m a happy SAHM of three. My mom (two kids) worked while raising us, and often says she would never have wanted my job, even if she didn’t have to work for money the way she did. Like you, she says she wasn’t “cut out” for spending her days with little kids. She is a fantastic mom and we often joke about how different our approaches to motherhood are. Different strokes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to know what their Plan B is when the kids leave for college or if a divorce happens.

This is me.

I bought a condo on an island. Play pickleball, workout, read, and take many online college courses for personal enrichment. Next year I’m going on 6 month cruise on a Road Scholar trip.

Was me too. I stayed home because I had a trust so had protection. Even with that DH drained all our accounts and left me nothing but debt. I’d never ever advise my daughters to stay at home without their own money (and enough to support them for life).

Like it or not SAH makes you vulnerable. I’m sure you all think you married well- but disease addiction TBI, affair- anything can happen. Protect yourself and your kids- always.

Yes, and working women need to do this too. Think ahead about how you would manage the unimaginable - unfortunately I’ve personally experienced two friends losing their spouses unexpectedly. Even with a job, if you don’t have insurance or if you spend everything you bring in, this could be disastrous. Scary thing to think about but it’s true, so protect yourselves!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

Life happens. She could have gotten all that education and had an accident or other disability that forced her out of the workplace. The education is formative and beneficial regardless of what you do with it in the years to come.

As for other women in the workforce - only if that’s what they choose to do. It’s all about choices and freedom. You don’t owe other women a career.

But we do. and that kind of thinking is why/how women keep holding other women back. it's the war of which SAHM has it better, WOHM stepping on other women to get ahead instead of helping others achieve.

You dont need a college education to stay home. Save your parents the money and do your part to marry well.

You sound like the people on the college forum who won't pay for their kids' school unless they declare a STEM major. People are 17 and 18 years old when they choose a college. You really think they all know what they are doing with their entire lives?

By the way, since you raised it, who do you think all the well-to-do men are marrying? College educated women.

These doctors, lawyers, tech executives are not marrying uneducated women who didn’t go to college. They are reproducing with these women. DH is glad to have his ivy educated wife staying home to raise his children.

I mean, of course he is. It only benefits him. You are the one taking on all risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do what makes me happy and I'm happy for any other woman who gets to do what makes her happy, whether that is staying at home or having a career.

The only people who get worked up about this topic are those who are insecure with their own choice (or lack of choice, as the case may be).

Exactly. Hopefully most people can look back on their lives after raising their children and feel good about their choice.

+100. The people on here who get angry and say judgemental and mean spirited things about other women’s choices around work, family size, type of school, etc must feel really insecure or conflicted about their own choices and instead of grappling with that are externalizing.

I’m the one who sent my older kids to daycare. Although they turned out great and probably benefit from my being home with them now, I feel guilt from when they were babies and toddlers. With my first, my mom watched my baby when I went back to work. I worked long hours and couldn’t breastfeed as long as I wanted. I missed many milestones. I switched to a more manageable 40 hours but it was still a lot of time away. I switched to PT (30 hours) and that was a good balance between work and kids but I still felt like I didn’t spent as much quality time with the kids. PT, almost FT, was the worst because I had this supposedly flexible job but basically I had to do FT work in PT hours and because I could work from home, I often did the work throughout the day and I was working at night after the kids went to bed. I did not enjoy any of those working situations.

I am much happier not working.

I’ll never understand “I missed milestones”, did the kid stop taking steps the moment you walked in the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

Life happens. She could have gotten all that education and had an accident or other disability that forced her out of the workplace. The education is formative and beneficial regardless of what you do with it in the years to come.

As for other women in the workforce - only if that’s what they choose to do. It’s all about choices and freedom. You don’t owe other women a career.

But we do. and that kind of thinking is why/how women keep holding other women back. it's the war of which SAHM has it better, WOHM stepping on other women to get ahead instead of helping others achieve.

You dont need a college education to stay home. Save your parents the money and do your part to marry well.

You sound like the people on the college forum who won't pay for their kids' school unless they declare a STEM major. People are 17 and 18 years old when they choose a college. You really think they all know what they are doing with their entire lives?

By the way, since you raised it, who do you think all the well-to-do men are marrying? College educated women.

These doctors, lawyers, tech executives are not marrying uneducated women who didn’t go to college. They are reproducing with these women. DH is glad to have his ivy educated wife staying home to raise his children.

I mean, of course he is. It only benefits him. You are the one taking on all risk.

DP but how on earth would it “only” benefit him? Maybe she actually LIKES being with her kids more…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

Life happens. She could have gotten all that education and had an accident or other disability that forced her out of the workplace. The education is formative and beneficial regardless of what you do with it in the years to come.

As for other women in the workforce - only if that’s what they choose to do. It’s all about choices and freedom. You don’t owe other women a career.

But we do. and that kind of thinking is why/how women keep holding other women back. it's the war of which SAHM has it better, WOHM stepping on other women to get ahead instead of helping others achieve.

You dont need a college education to stay home. Save your parents the money and do your part to marry well.

You sound like the people on the college forum who won't pay for their kids' school unless they declare a STEM major. People are 17 and 18 years old when they choose a college. You really think they all know what they are doing with their entire lives?

By the way, since you raised it, who do you think all the well-to-do men are marrying? College educated women.

These doctors, lawyers, tech executives are not marrying uneducated women who didn’t go to college. They are reproducing with these women. DH is glad to have his ivy educated wife staying home to raise his children.

I mean, of course he is. It only benefits him. You are the one taking on all risk.

DP but how on earth would it “only” benefit him? Maybe she actually LIKES being with her kids more…

I think the PP you are replying to is one of the posters who see marriage as just transactional. Who hurt these people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only judge them when they have school aged kids (aka 5+ free hours per day 5 days a week) and they have plenty of time to cook/clean/rest, etc but they complain endlessly about how exhausted they are. Then I roll my eyes.

Sahp with young kids at home. I get it. It’s tiring.

Sahp with school aged kids who have a balanced productive life and don’t whine to working parents how hard their life is with the 25-30 free hours a week we don’t have…nope, you are annoying.

I have 3 kids at 3 different schools and I guess I technically have 25 hours of childfree time. I volunteer at all three of my kids’ school. I run all the errands I used to run after work or on weekends during the week so I am freed up in the afternoons and weekends. Between working out, volunteering, errands, laundry, cooking and cleaning, those 25 hours turns into like 5-10 hours of free time. There are so many snow days, sick days, doctor appointments, dentist appointments, teacher work days, breaks and summers. You don’t have as much free time as you would think.

Sure, but then you have more free time on the weekends with your family than those of us who work out of the home do—so we are doing the errands, laundry, cooking, cleaning, appointments etc. I’m not begrudging you your choices, I am happy for you and consider you a productive member of society (not that you need my validation, just saying) but please be mindful and don’t whine to a full time working parent how tired you are—you can opt out of the volunteering, you can take breaks in the middle of the day that we just can’t, you have more time to enjoy your kids on the weekends. I’m an exhausted teacher on my feet most of the day…. and I tutor over the summers so I don’t get summers off. But I did enjoy the heck out of those snow days we had!