AITA: Getting crap for not attending a Friday wedding because we have no childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were DH's sibling getting married, you should find child care. For his cousin, you're NTA.

If it's actually a child-free wedding and they expect people with kids to come from out of town, then the hosts should have arranged for a trusted childcare provider.

The same hosts who booked a 3pm Friday wedding? lol

Yeah, any inconvenience to their guests isn't a concern for them.

[Anonymous]

The AH here is actually your MIL because she’s the one who thinks it’s reasonable to treat you like BILs help.

This wedding invitation doesn’t work for you, so you decline. It’s not a summons, and if it was supremely important that you participate then your cousins would have either found a local childcare provider or invited children.

And that doesn’t mean cousins are TAH either! Just send regrets and enjoy the weekend.

[Anonymous]

1) OP never actually said it was a child free wedding
2) why does anyone have to spend the night? If OP’s DH and BIL want to go to the wedding, they could drive there leaving home at noon and leave the wedding at 6-7pm and be home by 8-9pm that night…wouldn’t be that hard for OP’s DH to drive there and back solo if he wants to attend this wedding. No one needs overnight childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP never actually said it was a child free wedding
2) why does anyone have to spend the night? If OP’s DH and BIL want to go to the wedding, they could drive there leaving home at noon and leave the wedding at 6-7pm and be home by 8-9pm that night…wouldn’t be that hard for OP’s DH to drive there and back solo if he wants to attend this wedding. No one needs overnight childcare

I don’t think it was overnight childcare. I think the kids would just need to stay at OP’s house overnight. Presumably her BIL would stay there too.
Alternatively, they could all stay near the wedding venue overnight and get a babysitter for the evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were DH's sibling getting married, you should find child care. For his cousin, you're NTA.

If it's actually a child-free wedding and they expect people with kids to come from out of town, then the hosts should have arranged for a trusted childcare provider.

The same hosts who booked a 3pm Friday wedding? lol

What is the probability these people know a trusted care provider? Where do you peoples live that there is easy access to trusted care providers? I and about 1 million other moms who live in this area will pay to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday or wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.

New poster here. There is something wrong with you.

I will remind you she has a 1yo and 3yo at home. Why do a marathon now? Why is that such a priority? This is the most confusing part of the story here for me.

There are many women who want to get into exercise after childbirth to try and get back into shape and to lose the weight that childbirth adds to many women's bodies.

Also, a woman who leaves the workforce to become a SAHM often needs something to do for themselves as a break from childcare. Exercise serves that role for many young mothers. So, they get their breaks from children and go out running. Then once it works well for them, they want to keep running and push themselves to achieve more. A marathon s a pipe dream for many people of any age and it becomes a goal to achieve. Why try for the marathon now? Because in 4-5 years when her children will be entering the school-age years, she may want to go back to work and so this 5 year window between birth and school-age is the optimal window for many women to do something like this. Once her children enter school and she returns to work and she gets tied up with chaufferring her children around to various activities and such, it may be harder to find the time to train as much as is needed and to have the time to go to the events.

It's not unusual for mothers to find time while they are SAH to do something like this for themselves.

It’s outrageous that it’s 2023 and this has to be explained to this throwback from 1950.

I think the confusion is actually around SAH mom culture from people used to dual working families. So probably the opposite of what you said.

What???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

It's inherently indulgent and self-involved.

.

That’s right granny. How dare a woman participate in a sport men have done forever. It requires training and travel that take her away from her family. How dare she ever do anything that doesn’t directly benefit her dh or dc. She needs to get back home and get in that kitchen.

Or are you the poster from a few years back who thought your dw was cheating on you while she was marathoning with a male friend?

I would find it selfish for a dad of kids those ages to do this also. That’s a lot of time spent away from spouse and kids that is just entirely for oneself. Very, very selfish for a parent of such young children to train for a marathon.

Are you the poster from a year or so ago with the biking dh who wouldn’t take vacations or do anything that would take him away from his biking. I recall the dh felt compelled to do long mileage trips and the wife had spent at least a decade of loneliness because he was always out riding.

If so, that’s different. Your dh had something else going on like an addiction and wasn’t committed to you. This marathon may be a one time thing for sil or a once a year thing. We don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday or wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.

New poster here. There is something wrong with you.

I will remind you she has a 1yo and 3yo at home. Why do a marathon now? Why is that such a priority? This is the most confusing part of the story here for me.

There are many women who want to get into exercise after childbirth to try and get back into shape and to lose the weight that childbirth adds to many women's bodies.

Also, a woman who leaves the workforce to become a SAHM often needs something to do for themselves as a break from childcare. Exercise serves that role for many young mothers. So, they get their breaks from children and go out running. Then once it works well for them, they want to keep running and push themselves to achieve more. A marathon s a pipe dream for many people of any age and it becomes a goal to achieve. Why try for the marathon now? Because in 4-5 years when her children will be entering the school-age years, she may want to go back to work and so this 5 year window between birth and school-age is the optimal window for many women to do something like this. Once her children enter school and she returns to work and she gets tied up with chaufferring her children around to various activities and such, it may be harder to find the time to train as much as is needed and to have the time to go to the events.

It's not unusual for mothers to find time while they are SAH to do something like this for themselves.

It’s outrageous that it’s 2023 and this has to be explained to this throwback from 1950.

I think the confusion is actually around SAH mom culture from people used to dual working families. So probably the opposite of what you said.

What???

I would have assumed a mom with young kids would have returned to work first before training for a marathon. Just makes more sense based on my circles. So training for a marathon would have serious trade offs, just like it would for any full time working parent with very young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

Do. Not. Use. Care.com.

The sitters who are registered on that site have not been properly vetted at all.

Anyone can go online & call themselves a “professional” Nanny.
And lie about their education + experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have an odd dis-attachment to the process of raising kids. Such as, suggesting you hire a total stranger in some distant locale to mind your children for a whole day. Just go on the website, and pick someone. To mind the most precious in your life. That's just insanity. My kids are grown, and there is no way I would have ever left them with a total stranger I've met for a total of 10 minutes online or in person. Nope.

OP, stand your ground. You're a good momma.

Gag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really do not see why BIL is even coming. Hmmm fly alone with 2 small children to attend a cousin’s kid free wedding in the middle of nowhere, and no childcare options….sure, sign me right up? And all this for a cousin who planned a wedding at 3pm on a Friday? I mean…just no. I don’t understand why MIL/FIL seem to encouraging such a thing either.

The logical thing would be for BIL to stay HOME, op’s DH attends alone.

If BIL is determined to continue with this absurd plan, that is on him. Not your problem. My guess is he figured “wife is out of town, I’ll take the kids to visit family, who will do all the childcare for me so I can relax”. Pretty common.

Ha, totally 100% I bet that was what BIL was thinking. “Hey this will be easy.”

The BIL doesn’t strike me as this kind of guy. I know that these men exist. In fact, I am married to one. But this type of guy would just tell his wife that he’s going to the wedding and leave her to figure out childcare during the marathon.

The BIL seems like a guy who is used to taking care of his kids.

…by expecting his SIL to watch them.

No. He suggested that they get an Airbnb near the venue and split the cost of a sitter.

It was MIL who expected OP to stay home and watch all of the kids.

BIL thinking it’s easy to just find and trust a sitter in some random location shows that he’s clueless about childcare.

Seekingsitters.com

You’re welcome

Weird how all these drama llama mommas keep ignoring this every time it’s posted, instead continuing to shriek about “Care.com internet randos!!!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT believe that people are criticizing SIL for running a marathon. Geez, what’s wrong with you all? It is not self-indulgent of a mom of small kids to train for and run a marathon. It’s downright impressive. And she probably had this on the calendar way before this absurd 3pm on a Friday wedding.

I understand that BIL might be disappointed that he easy childcare plans aren’t working out the way he hoped, but the cousin (who planned this mid-week wedding in an out of the way location), the BIL and the MIL should work to arrange a sitter for BIL’s kids (*if* he still wants to come).

And no one should be criticizing OP for not wanting to go and not wanting to be a weekend nanny for four kids under 5.

Nothing impressive about a marathon at that stage of life. It is similar to buying a corvette during a mid-life crisis.

Congrats PP, as it turns out you are actually the biggest AH of this thread.

For pointing out the obvious?

It wasn’t “the obvious.” It was a stupid opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL’s wife should skip marathon.

Why? She probably started training for it way before these in laws decided to plan a wedding in the middle of the day on a Friday. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to run a marathon. I think it’s up to the BIL to figure out childcare — not on his wife to give up a long term goal.

It's inherently indulgent and self-involved.

.

That’s right granny. How dare a woman participate in a sport men have done forever. It requires training and travel that take her away from her family. How dare she ever do anything that doesn’t directly benefit her dh or dc. She needs to get back home and get in that kitchen.

Or are you the poster from a few years back who thought your dw was cheating on you while she was marathoning with a male friend?

I would find it selfish for a dad of kids those ages to do this also. That’s a lot of time spent away from spouse and kids that is just entirely for oneself. Very, very selfish for a parent of such young children to train for a marathon.

Cool story, martyr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were DH's sibling getting married, you should find child care. For his cousin, you're NTA.

If it's actually a child-free wedding and they expect people with kids to come from out of town, then the hosts should have arranged for a trusted childcare provider.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are definitely TA for not trying to solve this problem and find childcare. This is what care.com is for - you find someone vetted and trustworthy and pay a bit extra for one night. Or you could have asked your mom or one of your regular babysitters to take a day of PTO and paid extra for that - did you try that?

Honestly your whole vibe is that you don't care to attend and you didn't really try to figure this out. But blaming it on the wedding being childfree is dumb. Most events are childfree, and weddings are more important than most events.

OP, don’t take advice from someone who advocates leaving your kids with an internet stranger.