Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real issue isn't the time table or number of hours put in by each parent. It's the lack of grace they're showing one another.

My spouse would have said to me, "I know this is your free time and you so deserve it, but I'm really struggling right now. Can you handle lunch and nap and then I'll do bedtime tonight?" or whatever. And I would have said, "Sure thing, sorry you're so tired. Come be Mommy's snuggle buddy, honey!"

More grace, more love, more joy. That's what it's all about.

My husband is always talking about the 90/10 rule, that we fixate on the 10% we think our spouse is slacking in instead of focusing on the 90% that's positive. But on the flip side, if we understand what bothers our spouse (our 10%) and work on it for them while also focusing on the positive (their 90%), everyone feels happy and seen and appreciated.

I do think it's important to carve out time for yourself, and your spouse should want that too. If he's taking advantage of you, then you should be able to say, "Hey, I feel like you're taking advantage of me. Don't you want me to have time to myself? Don't you see how hard I work?" But don't play games. I'm not going to stick around in any relationship that turns me into a petty, game-playing person. If that's who the relationship turns me into, then something is seriously wrong.

Yes to all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When do you guys spend time together as a family?

Sounds like op thinks her workouts and herself are much more important than her daughter or family time. What if he said he wasn’t feeling well, then woudl you have stepped up. I will never get tit for tat relationships. Prepare for divorce.

For a few hours one day a week? They are sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.

I'm not one of those people that comes on here to recommend divorce, but if this is how you truly feel, you should get out! Life is too short. If you have the financial means, you should really thinks seriously of moving on.

OP does seem to find taking care of her daughter unbearable. Her DH isn’t wrong on that. I’d argue he feels the same, but still.

You people are so dim.

I'm genuinely curious as to whether you have reading comprehension issues or you're truly just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Ha! I can see why you have trouble with your relationship.

I'm a private practice lawyer too and the sole earner supporting my family, and yes, even my job affords plenty of flexibility and "me time" during the day. You can't get out for 30 minutes of exercise during the day? You don't surf the internet for little breaks? Come on. Quit being a drama queen. Your life is so easy and you just want to argue with your DH in front of your daughter about 30 minutes of extra time you need to spend with her?

By the way, your DH sounds lame, too, so I'm not just blaming you.

I'm also a lawyer. I get up before the sun so I can work out. Who are these women getting 30 minutes of exercise during the day? I can't work out and then not shower - I'm all sweaty, which is kind of the point.

Yes I surf the internet for little break (or to post on DCUM) during the work day, but that's not remotely the same as getting time for a real workout or other activity in. Come on.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this thread so interesting. In most threads everyone likes on the husband that doesn’t do enough around the house, with the kids, etc. And all studies show this is the case, even more so when the woman is the breadwinner (like OP seems to be). For some reason , people have taken what appear to be legitimate complaints about the lack of a real partner and turned them into “bad mother who doesn’t deserve to have kids.” I don’t get it.

Sure, there is all kinds of advice about extending grace, not scorekeeping, etc, that would be excellent advice if the husband wasn’t a jackass, but it sounds like he is one. And the OP sounds like she is past the point of no return on this marriage. So what might have worked three years ago isn’t going to work now.

Once you are at the point where you wish your husband’s plane would crash on his biz trip so he never came home (which is what this sounds like), you really just need to find a divorce lawyer.

My marriage came back from that point. I know that's weird, but it did. My husband legitimately stepped up. The answer was my being far more selfish and willing to leave. And I'm a much more fun wife now that I sleep enough and go to the gym regularly and generally take care of myself, and he gets to enjoy that.

OP has not mentioned one redeeming quality about her husband at any point. It's all negative. It's hard to imagine what she saw in him in the first place. What is there to come back from?

All I can tell you is that my marriage was in, if anything, a worse place and it got better. And that it didn't get better because I got more accommodating.

Are you the person who keeps mentioning the pride, power, pleasure shtick? You still haven't said exactly what you did to turn things around. And I know my husband would die laughing if I told him he only did things that connected to those things. As if he derives that must joy from laundry, dishes, garbage, wiping butts.

I am not that person.
Relationship therapy was a big part of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wow to some posters on this thread.
As a former teacher I was often aghast at how little time/attention some parents gave their children. OP does not sound like that at all though. Shame on those who are trying to shame moms who need a few hours to themselves once a week.

My mom was one of those martyr types and it was completely unhealthy, she was absolutely miserable, and my parents ended up divorced.... but hey, at least we never had to have a babysitter, right?

Read again. OP got more than “a few hours” to herself. She’s upset that she’s getting 4.5 hours instead of 5 or wherever they agreed to with their rigid contract. She just CAN’T function without that bit of “her” time and thinks it’s unjust that her husband gets a bit of extra “him” time on one day. OP really doesn’t want to spend an additional half hour with her kid AND really doesn’t want her husband “winning” that prized extra alone time (like that poor kid is a chore). It’s petty and self centered. I bet OP was a bridezilla.

+1 to me it's that it's a LOT of "me time" (esp if every weekend) and having his conversation in front of DD so it's clear neither parent wants to be with her. Having a sep conversation between adults afterward about how the schedule is working and repeated issues with DH etc would be different.

OP is just not that into being mom. Which is her prerogative. But let's not pretend that getting 5 hrs of time to yourself every wknd when you also work FT during the week is the mark of someone who really wants to spend time with their one child.

This nails it.

You see this all the time. Two selfish people can survive marriage because you can continue to be pretty selfish, especially if you are reasonably well off. But add a kid into the mix, and everything falls apart because you have to be so much less selfish. But also, come on, I'm not sure what OP's job is, but even jobs that require a lot of work still afford ample "me time" -- just not many hours in a row.

F you. I’m a lawyer. I kept my family single-handedly afloat when my husband lost his job. I still make more money. I am the source of health benefits. I work hard for my clients and I have busted my @ss to keep my family stable.

-op

Ha! I can see why you have trouble with your relationship.

I'm a private practice lawyer too and the sole earner supporting my family, and yes, even my job affords plenty of flexibility and "me time" during the day. You can't get out for 30 minutes of exercise during the day? You don't surf the internet for little breaks? Come on. Quit being a drama queen. Your life is so easy and you just want to argue with your DH in front of your daughter about 30 minutes of extra time you need to spend with her?

By the way, your DH sounds lame, too, so I'm not just blaming you.

I'm also a lawyer. I get up before the sun so I can work out. Who are these women getting 30 minutes of exercise during the day? I can't work out and then not shower - I'm all sweaty, which is kind of the point.

Yes I surf the internet for little break (or to post on DCUM) during the work day, but that's not remotely the same as getting time for a real workout or other activity in. Come on.

Right, it's hard to find multiple consecutive hours of free time during the working day, and if that's something a person NEEDS for mental health, then that's an extraordinary need and they should take extraordinary actions to get it, like getting up early. Once you have kids, the entitlement to that sort of free time goes out the window, and to act like you are being deprived of some need is overly dramatic. And yes, the little stretches of "me time" during a work day are significant, even if it's not enough time to do a full work and shower. OP needs to buck up.

Of course, the real reveal from OP's post above is that she's resentful for having had time as the sole earner and for being the breadwinner. She looks down on her husband and feels entitled to a full Saturday morning without having to interact with her daughter. Hard to have a scrap of sympathy for anyone but her daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could negotiate business deals with the people here who take OP’s screed and claims at face value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

"Need" - lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 is such a fun age! She could work out alongside you, you could bring her in a jogging stroller. Dang my 3 year olds helped me clean, bake, weed or just farted around the house on their own. Such a fun age.

OP, is your DD kind of high maintenance or mellow? Lunch could be cheerios, frozen fruit in yogurt, hard boiled eggs... nap is throw them in their crib with 40 board books and a white noise machine...

If DD has fussier needs, I could see that alone time being precious but Id rather build more positive time together vs avoiding her

3 is ... not a fun age. 3.5 gets fun, kind of. But 3 was a very tantrum-y, dramatic age for my generally easy kid.

Also, "working out with your kid" is something I dreamed of when I was a pregnant jogger, but LOL no. A nature walk, sure. But you are not going to get any real, vigorous exercise with a toddler in tow.

Also this is not the toddler forum, it's the relationship forum. OP is not looking for ideas on how to entertain her DD, she's looking for ideas about how to make her DH do his share of parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should have just said sure you can make lunch and put her down for a nap (once you’re dressed etc) if that means he’s taking care of dinner.

But I agree with the others that you’re really not sending a good message to your daughter when you hardly see her at all through the week and then don’t want to deal with her for a large chunk of the weekend too. I can imagine a SAHM needing most of a weekend day to herself but not someone who works a lot out of the home. Sorry. Maybe just think about what messages your daughter is getting.

What? No. I’ve been a SAHM until my kids all went to school. We never did anything remotely like this. We had occasional girls/guys nights, and we both got alone time when they slept. Weekends and evenings were for the family.

What’s your point? You didn’t need this. Other moms do.

I’m a SAHM and I take a full weekday off every week. It’s great.

My point is like wanted to be with my kids and didn’t view them as a burden. Presumably you didn’t have a tantrum if you weekday off got shortened or cancelled occasionally.

I would absolutely be pissed at my husband if he did what OP’s husband has done. 100%. And in fact in many ways I threw the ultimate “tantrum” over very similar behavior in that I quit my full time lawyer job. So I don’t think you want to play this game with me because when I was in OP’s shoes I had a very big reaction.