For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m the first wife in this scenario. I was going to grow old with my husband, one kid, good jobs, stable home life, life was good. Until we hit our mid-40’s when our kid was in high school and an affair destroyed the marriage. My now XH had a vasectomy when our son was young as neither of us wanted any other kids.

Within a year of the divorce he had remarried, gotten himself a full time step-kid (the other dad wasn’t in the picture) and his new wife was pregnant- apparently they had to get medical intervention to help. That baby was born around the same time our son was graduating from high school.

My son loves his half-sibling, has no use for his step-sibling and his relationship with his dad is very superficial, through no fault or action of his own. When he’s home from college on breaks he’ll split his time between houses but his dad never makes time for him one on one. My son is only around a few weeks a year and his dad can’t take one evening to have dinner, or a few hours to take a walk. My XH visited him at school freshman year (with his new family) but hasn’t been since. I try to go at least once a semester, and I cover all of the “parents weekend” type events. I know my sons friends, his fraternity brothers and some of their parents. My XH is completely uninvolved by his choice and really has no interest in my son. He’s moved on and has a new life. I’m not keeping my son from his dad, I’ve never said a bad thing about him and our son thinks we divorced because we grew apart. I fully encourage their relationship and sit on the sidelines while he asks his dad to participate in his important events before me. I stand by ready to go when his dad says no.

My son knows he can’t count on anything in terms of inheritance from his dad and I’m doing everything I can to try and maximize my own estate for his benefit.

Who had the affair? Lots of parents don’t visit their kids in college. Mine never did except for a medical issue.

Just because your parents suck doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Why would you frequently visit? That is not normal.

See what happen when you have bad parents you don’t even know what is normal.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

At 50?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Do you know any 45 year old women giving birth?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

How does it not:
-additional heirs to your dad's estate, reducing your future share
-future estate also reduced by the education, college and overall cost of those children-- this affects grandchildren too since there will be more of them
-possible total disinheritance if the 2nd wive comes sole heir after he passes
-kids who may have better lives than you ever did bc he is wealthier now and also more available
-reduced loyalty since you are "done"
-dividing up the holidays
-stigma and reduced ability to attract desirable mate since one's parents are no longer married to each other
-graduations and weddings become occasions where you have to keep mom and step mom away from each other

It truly sucks.

+ 1000. All of these, with the caveat that you *might* have the option to divide the holidays (also possible that you will be basically be excluded/quietly uninvited from many holidays with the new family)

This. Big happy family except when it's "just 'our' family", in which case you'll be awkwardly disinvited. When you are invited, it'll be an annoying toddler scene and their marital tensions will be plain to see. Your dad will never, ever be allowed to visit you on a holiday unless the whole fam comes along. And even then, she won't be happy about it. Big happy family my ass.

More than likely dad would not be invited alone if mom were there so it’s usually a nonissue. But, toddlers are only toddlers for a year so deal.

Hi Miss 2nd Wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Because your kids are ALWAYS your kids, even when they are grown. How would you feel if your mom passed away and your dad started dating and married within a year. And, you know, this happens a lot. You might be happy for your dad. But you might also be very very upset that he forgot your mom within 12 months! Or concerned about your inheritence. Or worried that the wife is using him. Lots of things, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

A gazillion things wrong. Not to mention turning 25 when your dad is 75.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Okay, hon. Listen. What little inheritance they could have had went poof the moment you married. The moment you had a kid, there went a lot of his time and attention to his older children and his future grandchildren. Do you think he's going to be the grandfather he could have been if he didn't have more kids? Do you think they enjoy visiting him when his life revolves around toddlers, he's running out of money, your age-gap marriage awkwardness is on display, and he's old and exhausted? Come on. You can't do this to them and expect "big happy family". You need to open your eyes to how this plays out for them. You and he certainly do have the right to marry and have kids if you choose, but that doesn't mean you can ignore the consequences to other people and expect them to be happy about it. They're not in love with you like he is. You say you wanted a big family, but you only wanted it on your terms. They know perfectly well that their absence is the price of his marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:All these 2nd wives have no idea that if they die 1st their money will go to the adult children from his 1st marriage and only a portion will go to their own child.

Why would you assume that?

so you are cool with your retirement going to his kids if you die early due to cancer. All that money goes to your H, then passes to all his heirs.

That is what you want for your child? To share the money you earned your whole life to go to kids from his 1st marriage?

I have an estate plan. 66% goes into a self executing trust for my kids and 33% goes to my spouse. I sought legal help before we ever got married. My brother not my spouse is the executor of my trust for my kids. DH pays for our lifestyle though I also work. If he was saddled with lifetime alimony I never would have married him. If he stops being an attentive husband and father I’m out.

So your money goes to your kids and his money goes to all his kids.

That is exactly what people are saying.

The adult children should still get a portion of the h’s inheritance.

So if he dies, he did the same 66% goes to the kids and 30% to you?

I assume if he dies in that scenario the 66% would be divided among all his kids from both marriages, plus I would hope it would be less than 66% as we have young kids I need to raise and put through college. No matter what he does, I’ll be okay as I save all my earned income between my 401k, kids college accounts, and my brokerage account. It has to be this way. I have young kids and marrying him was a big risk.

You should have a life insurance policy to help raise your children. Have you not done that?

Sure but it’s something he controls. I control my income and I save it. It doesn’t matter that much in the scheme of things as he has plenty and can afford to fund our entire lifestyle and he does. I work for peace of mind.

So we agree his kids should get even amount of money should he die.

Honestly I don’t care. As long as he is a good husband and father to our kids then the rest doesn’t matter. He knows i won’t stick around if he fails us, and it would hurt him financially a lot more than me to divorce. Re estate planning, I’ve got things worked out so that my kids and I will be fine if he dies and our kids will be fine if we both die. If you focus on anything else you’ll drive yourself crazy and turn into someone you don’t want to become. Once our kids are adults and educated, I care a lot less. I want to leave most of my estate to a nonprofit that is close to my heart.

Sounds like you have a really awesome marriage. But at least you're acknowledging how the cookie crumbles here. The dad has to focus on the new wife and kids or she'll leave him. That's the bottom line. And dialing way, way back on his relationship with the older kids and his own grandchildren (the only grandchildren he'll live long enough to truly know), is the price of the second marriage-- that's what the new wife demands, even if she won't admit it. It's sometimes about money, but even if there's no money it's about time, energy, priorities, and focus. Which are in short supply when you've chosen to marry an old guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the first wife in this scenario. I was going to grow old with my husband, one kid, good jobs, stable home life, life was good. Until we hit our mid-40’s when our kid was in high school and an affair destroyed the marriage. My now XH had a vasectomy when our son was young as neither of us wanted any other kids.

Within a year of the divorce he had remarried, gotten himself a full time step-kid (the other dad wasn’t in the picture) and his new wife was pregnant- apparently they had to get medical intervention to help. That baby was born around the same time our son was graduating from high school.

My son loves his half-sibling, has no use for his step-sibling and his relationship with his dad is very superficial, through no fault or action of his own. When he’s home from college on breaks he’ll split his time between houses but his dad never makes time for him one on one. My son is only around a few weeks a year and his dad can’t take one evening to have dinner, or a few hours to take a walk. My XH visited him at school freshman year (with his new family) but hasn’t been since. I try to go at least once a semester, and I cover all of the “parents weekend” type events. I know my sons friends, his fraternity brothers and some of their parents. My XH is completely uninvolved by his choice and really has no interest in my son. He’s moved on and has a new life. I’m not keeping my son from his dad, I’ve never said a bad thing about him and our son thinks we divorced because we grew apart. I fully encourage their relationship and sit on the sidelines while he asks his dad to participate in his important events before me. I stand by ready to go when his dad says no.

My son knows he can’t count on anything in terms of inheritance from his dad and I’m doing everything I can to try and maximize my own estate for his benefit.

Thank you for sharing. You are doing the right thing, for the best interest of your son. Your XH should have spent more time with your son, but that is his choice and his actions will have consequences. Your son knows who is the better parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these 2nd wives have no idea that if they die 1st their money will go to the adult children from his 1st marriage and only a portion will go to their own child.

Why would you assume that?

so you are cool with your retirement going to his kids if you die early due to cancer. All that money goes to your H, then passes to all his heirs.

That is what you want for your child? To share the money you earned your whole life to go to kids from his 1st marriage?

I have an estate plan. 66% goes into a self executing trust for my kids and 33% goes to my spouse. I sought legal help before we ever got married. My brother not my spouse is the executor of my trust for my kids. DH pays for our lifestyle though I also work. If he was saddled with lifetime alimony I never would have married him. If he stops being an attentive husband and father I’m out.

So your money goes to your kids and his money goes to all his kids.

That is exactly what people are saying.

The adult children should still get a portion of the h’s inheritance.

So if he dies, he did the same 66% goes to the kids and 30% to you?

I assume if he dies in that scenario the 66% would be divided among all his kids from both marriages, plus I would hope it would be less than 66% as we have young kids I need to raise and put through college. No matter what he does, I’ll be okay as I save all my earned income between my 401k, kids college accounts, and my brokerage account. It has to be this way. I have young kids and marrying him was a big risk.

You should have a life insurance policy to help raise your children. Have you not done that?

Sure but it’s something he controls. I control my income and I save it. It doesn’t matter that much in the scheme of things as he has plenty and can afford to fund our entire lifestyle and he does. I work for peace of mind.

So we agree his kids should get even amount of money should he die.

Honestly I don’t care. As long as he is a good husband and father to our kids then the rest doesn’t matter. He knows i won’t stick around if he fails us, and it would hurt him financially a lot more than me to divorce. Re estate planning, I’ve got things worked out so that my kids and I will be fine if he dies and our kids will be fine if we both die. If you focus on anything else you’ll drive yourself crazy and turn into someone you don’t want to become. Once our kids are adults and educated, I care a lot less. I want to leave most of my estate to a nonprofit that is close to my heart.

Okay, so think through how this impacts the ACOD. When dad is young-ish and healthy-ish, you're going to take up a huge proportion of his time and energy, leaving them with a lot less than they would have had. But if dad doesn't pass your performance review (and his performance largely depends on how much he's willing to ignore his adult kids and his grandkids), you'll dump him (keeping a lot of the money), and they'll be left caring for sad old broke dad alone. Can't you see what a bad deal this is for them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Do you know any 45 year old women giving birth?

Sure. I could have done it myself if I had wanted another kid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My SIL's father had a second family. Up and left them with their alcoholic mom. So they had 2 terrible parents.

He married some young girl, had 2 kids, sent them to private school and paid for their college.

My SIL's brother sued his dad in court for child support and college cost. He got a nice settlement and put a down payment on his house. Needless to say the 2nd wife has banned him from seeing his dad ever again.

My SIL wouldn't sue because she couldn't even stand to see his face in court.

Men can be such a wuss or the puss.

So, kid lied, never went to college and bought a house. You are not entitled to college so this is doubtful.

No he paid for college and had loans.

This makes no sense. Why did mom not pay?

She was an alcoholic on welfare. Can you not read?

The son got child support the father never paid for 15 years (he left when he was 3) all the money for college. Child support is money that goes to the child, he never paid so he was legally obligated to pay that. The father showed by how he treated his 2nd family that he believed a father should pay for college, that evidence had the judge rule… 15 years of child support and the same level of support for the college years (which was 100%) he’s lucky he got in state at UVA. That is what he paid for his 2nd set of children. Of course they went to fancy private colleges but he just got cost of going to UVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Older men who run out and start a second family are utter morons. We have a few friends who are the 2nd wife/mother and the level of delusion is unreal. Strained relations with the older kids, etc. I’d say in nearly all the cases the husbands are wealthy executives. The worst are guy where the kids are in college or beyond, then start over again with new babies. Wtf!

Those friends are now starting to go thru the divorce process. The first one just popped up out of nowhere, but I suspect we will see more.

I have two young kids now. I can’t even begin to imagine starting another family in my 50s, even with tons of money. I’m already tired and stretched for time now. I can’t even imagine being a 60 year old dad at Little League. WTF.

-Married dad in his 40s

You realize sometimes the wives cheat and leave for their ap so the dads have no say. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids. And men certainly have a say in that.

So, mom can move on and be with someone else and have more kids but dad should stay single and never have more kids to cater to his ex who cheated on him? There is nothing wrong with having more kids. Most married couples have more than one child.

Nobody is saying they can’t marry again, just that they shouldn’t have more kids. Mom CAN’T have more kids if she’s 40+, and dad is fully in control to choose not to as well. It’s not about “catering to his ex,” it’s about respect for his adult kids. Nobody has to “stay single.”

Yes, there is a lot wrong with having more kids.

Mom absolutely can have more kids. Nothing wrong with more kids.

Do you know any 45 year old women giving birth?

Sure. I could have done it myself if I had wanted another kid.

It’s like talking to a wall.

[Anonymous]

So many self centered people here. Me me me.... My reduced share of money, my reduced quality of time with dad, and my kids' reduced share of money from grandpa...

You are not entitled to anything. How about your father's life and happiness? You father has done his share of taking care of you. Are you going to take care of your father when he needs care?